Can I work in a nursery after having 2 kids removed from my care when I was 20?

[booknerdxo]

Long post ahead!

Just a bit of a back story,

When I was 19 I had two kids that were removed from my care and I was in a really abusive relationship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t abuse or touch the kids, I just want to make that clear. He did the bare minimum when it came to being a dad to them, he was more concerned with drugs and whatever girl he could get with.
I put him first, I could not see clearly what was right in front of me, I was very young and stupid and I put him before my kids even when everyone including social services had basically told me to leave him.
We lost the kids after we had went for a walk and the police had stopped us to search us, as he was acting suspicious so they said. The police had said he smelt like weed and referred us to social services, we already had a social worker due to reports of his temper in public places. I left the kids to my mum, which I was advised to do by the social worker and we had gone through all these meetings, which he failed to attend with me, I was a wreck from losing the kids that I still stayed hooked on him. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my social worker at the time was the one to convince me to keep the baby when I had said I couldn’t do this with my two kids in care. She had hinted to get rid of him but I didn’t still I thought that he would change for us to get the kids back but I finally opened my eyes and asked for help to leave when he beat me 5 months pregnant in front of his friends. One of his friends called my social worker for me, got me out of the house and they had picked me up and put me in supported living which they had already had a flat waiting for me was just waiting for me to want to use it.
I went through depression and anxiety, I isolated myself for 2 months but one day I woke up and I was not going to let this man win. I had finally opened my eyes. I went out and got my unborn babies stuff ready for her, all new clothes, her furniture, everything she absolutely needed I had finally got her a month before I was due to have her. I asked for help to get counselling sorting and I saw my therapist for 2/3 years and it helped me so much.
The problem was, I was now 20 and I had my youngest DD home with me under a CPR and my older two were in foster care and we were in and out of court, I was undergoing assessments after assessments and the social worker didn’t think I’d cope with 3 kids and to be completely honest, which I didn’t admit at the time I was totally scared at the thought of having 3 kids on my own. 3 kids under the age of 4 at the age of 20. I just felt like I needed to fight for my kids, they had pushed for an adoption and I had helped pick a lovely family, we met a few times, on our own and with all the kids. It was then that I finally knew that giving this family my two children was the best choice for everyone. I now see my two kids every half term and regular video calls and letters as well We have such a great relationship with the parents as well. We are always included in absolutely everything they plan. I haven’t had social workers in 4 years now and I’m 7 years older, wiser and stronger. I’m a great mum to my DD who is now 6 and I’ve accepted the whole situation a very long time ago. I’m mentally okay, no more therapist, I’m just living a great life. I still stay in contact with my social worker, I meet her for lunch every so often to catch up, she played such an important part of my life and I couldn’t imagine us never seeing her again. The boyfriend at the time now has 11 kids with 4 different woman mine being the oldest.

Since I was a teenager, I have wanted to work with children in a nursery, it was my first job at 16 and I didn’t finish my apprenticeship due to getting pregnant a year in my placement and not thinking I could do both.

I have not tried to work in a nursery in over 10 years due to dealing with that and then being scared I couldn’t actually work with kids.

I’ve been offered a nursery position now, I’ve completed my police background check, two references and my medical form but now they are going to send it off to social services for vetting and I’m worried this will be what decides I can’t work there. The manager that done my interview and induction is confident that it won’t be a problem. But I can’t help be nervous. Does anyone have any advice or know anyone that’s had something similar?
My social worker that I still meet for lunch also said it shouldn’t be a problem and she was one of my references but I obviously am totally in my head with it

No judgement. I completely own up to my mistakes and I pay for it every single day. The kids are totally happy and thriving and they know who we are and the gists of what happened

OP you have made mistakes but have owned up & pulled yourself out of a very dark & sad situation. It's very rare people pull themselves out of this sort of cycle so you should be so proud of yourself! I'm proud of you 👏 as far as I know as long as your DBS check & references are fine you should be fine to work with children. Re the impact on adopted children nowadays there are risks that the children turn against you etc but there is also a chance of them growing up surrounded by love & support & they may be grateful for how thing's have ended up. In my view it is far more damaging to follow the old days of not telling children they are adopted until they find out when they are older & then everything they have ever know comes into question (I have experience of this). Wishing you so much luck xx

Would you be happy, in your new role, to report 19yr old you to social services? Do you recognise what the damage was to your children and why the action was taken? Do you agree with the action taken?

My biggest concern is that you would be sympathetic to parents like you aged 19, rather than rightly reporting them.

Being completely honest. If I heard one of my children's nursery carers had had two children removed from her due to putting them in harms way I would be concerned.

As a parent of a child at the nursery I wouldn't knows the in and outs of your circumstances (as they would rightly be none of my business), but it would leave me feeling uncomfortable as you need to be able to trust completely the decision making of both the carers and nursery management when they are looking after your child. I am surprised the nursery manager isn't considering this, if any parent finds out it will spread and could become awkward.

Hope it works out for you as it does sound like you have turned a very difficult start in life around as well as you could have in the circumstances.

@lunar1 raises a good point. Your oldest kids are still really young, how will they feel about you minding other people's kids all day when they have been repeatedly told you are unable to look after them? It may seem logical to an adult that you are a different person now but how would a kid feel? I think you need to very seriously consider the impact on them.

You and your experiences will be a fantastic asset to any early years nursery environment.

OP, well done on turning things around. It sounds as though you did the right thing allowing your two eldest children to be adopted. One thing I will say is that realistically, if word gets out that you've previously had children removed from your care, some parents will pull their kids from the nursery - especially if they don't know the full story. I don't think they should be judged for doing that - their priority is their own children's safety. An employer will take this into account while hiring you. But if it doesn't work out, I'm sure plenty of other places would be willing to hire you.

I think @LemonPeonies and @booknerdxo you are both right.

Op, so many people are defensive when it comes to this topic so kudos to you for taking full accountability and acknowledging this may still impact your kids. It’s a breath of fresh air.

I used to work with kids in care/ care leavers up to age 25 and they were so loyal to their bio parents. Many were people pleasers or went to the other extreme and challenged everything to test the “love” of their parents /social worker etc. You could see that it had impacted them in some way or other even if their foster or adoptive parents were great.

Often it didn’t hit them until they were a bit older how much their bio parents failed them. But I think a lot of the trauma could be avoided or at least lessened if more parents were like you and held their hands up fully , and answered their kids questions instead of the endless excuses and minimisations.

So many are gaslighted by their parents and even wider society telling them basically to shut up about their abandonment issues because at least they got “taken in by a nice family”.

But anyway, back to the topic of the thread - nah I don’t see this showing up on a disclosure check, I think you’ll be able to work in a nursery easily. I don’t see you as posing any risk to children. Good luck with this.

This is one of those situations where I know what the kind and morally right thing is to say, but the truth is that I would not want you caring for my children.

If you couldn't handle three of your own children not that long ago I don't see how you would be capable of looking after a large group of other people's children now.

My bio dad abandoned us and then when I was in my mid 20s, him and his second wife adopted two kids so I can empathise with you how you feel.

I used to work in childcare and did it for years. Unless you had children removed because you were actively abusive to them in some way, I think you are fine to work in childcare. I knew a lot of the staff took drugs on the weekends and got up to all kinds of things that as a parent to the nursery, you wouldn't like. But usually it didn't affect their capability to do their job to a normal standard. And the parents would never be aware of these things. You're not leaving your child with a Norland nanny, they're people with flaws and lives and families of their own in a low wage job. If you're choosing to put your child in a nursery then you have to have faith in it with the knowledge that you do not have the right to know personal background information about all the staff.

I think direct contact between birth parents is unusual, due to the risk of undermining stability of the adoptive placement, but yes fantastic if it's successful

Lunch with former social worker still seems inappropriate to me. I'd worry about professional boundaries, but yes good to have a positive working relationship

Precisely this.

@Apotofgold sorry you experienced similar.

I think it's great that the op has turned things around, but I really think the best interest of the existing children is being glossed over here.

Is he working in a nursery?

I HIGHLY doubt it.

No one is 'judging' OP and having magic double standards for him, this is a very specific scenario.

That's irrelevant, she's suffering because of the actions of an abusive man. She's picked her life up, but is still at risk of being kicked on the teeth from being the victim here. A man who has been a left to carry on with his life, fathering 11 children and presumably abusing more women without penalty.

But she simply isn't the victim. She was given every support in the world again and again by the authorities and turned it down, she choose to stay and give up her children willfully with all the options available because having him was more important to her.

The CHILDREN are the victim, they had no choice... she made countless bad choice which are why the children are the victims, thats the entire point.

Hi. I am an adopter and I know other adopters who work in education whose children have had to go back into care because of serious behaviour issues (threatening to kill their family, setting fires etc) and this has caused huge problems. There isn't a blanket ban as such but every case is looked at on its own merits.

I don't know what the nursery sector position is but anyway I did want to raise something - looking after young children could be incredibly triggering for you. You could end up overly attaching to children who remind you of yours for example. Or you might find you try to get too close to a child from an abusive situation.

When we adopted, we had massive issues with one of the workers at the morning nursery the girls attended. They were only there a few hours each week but this worker adored our younger daughter SO much and really crossed a lot of boundaries. Turned out she was dealing with a lot of trauma at the time and using our daughter as a way to deal with it.

My daughter now works in a nursery herself. The other staff don't know she is adopted. She was given a little girl ( with the same name and hair colour as her) who had just been placed with the couple who were going to adopt her as her key child. This was massively triggering to our daughter. The girl had been neglected similar to her and with similar results. She had to explain to her manager that it wasn't a good idea for her to be key worker here.

My daughter is often triggered by safeguarding issues, which crop up reasonably frequently. Just think about what you would do if you had a concern. Would you report at the drop of a hat or give a clearly struggling mother a chance?

So lots to think about to make sure you get it right if they do take you. You will be dealing with adopted children, fostered children, children under social services but still at home, domestic violence situations...you might try to "save" them sub consciously and get too close.

You will need to be very self aware and not be triggered.

It's well documented that it often takes abused women many attempts to leave their abusers. The abused's self esteem will have been destroyed and often there are mental health issues too .It's not easy to leave. It's not easy to give your children up, but it's the right thing to do if it means they will have a better life.
There's no way the OP should be penalised for being abused and getting her life back together. She is a victim too.

I have to experience of what you are describing but you haven't done anything illegal and I personally think you are incredibly brave to put your children first and better your life.

The childminders I have known were not in contact with the abuser. One hadn't seen him in years and had no idea where he was.
Both said Ofsted treated them as though they were the criminals. No understanding at all.

Given that it's OFSTED I can't say I'm surprised. Although it would seem plenty of MNers can't see how the OP is a victim too.

It's perfectly possible to see OP as both a victim and also as someone who is maybe not best placed to be working with children, especially wrt having a clear view of safeguarding and being able to set appropriate boundaries.

@OhshutupSimonyounobhead well she posted her life history on a public internet forum and asked for opinions. Now she's getting them. Who are you to censor anyone? OP is a grown woman who sounds alike she's been through a tough time. I'm sure she can handle a few negative comments and I'm sure she can understand why she's getting them.

Don't I dare minimise that?

I didn't minimise anything. I am more familiar with the dynamics of abusive relationships than you, perhaps.

You, however, seem to be blaming a teenager for damage inflicted upon her and her children, by a man.

As in, it's her fault for staying. It is incredibly hard to leave relationships like that. That's why so many women stay. That's why women go back again and again - because it becomes impossible to stay away, and even safer to stay or go back, because of the fear, or the loss of any self confidence, or the substance addiction, or all the other reasons. One thing that doesn't help women in these situations, is learning that other women will say things like "well I would have left him, if it was that bad, why didn't simply just leave, she hurt her children too, by staying."

"Don't you dare" you said to me.

You know nothing. Learn some compassion. Grow up.