Can I work in a nursery after having 2 kids removed from my care when I was 20?

[booknerdxo]

Long post ahead!

Just a bit of a back story,

When I was 19 I had two kids that were removed from my care and I was in a really abusive relationship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t abuse or touch the kids, I just want to make that clear. He did the bare minimum when it came to being a dad to them, he was more concerned with drugs and whatever girl he could get with.
I put him first, I could not see clearly what was right in front of me, I was very young and stupid and I put him before my kids even when everyone including social services had basically told me to leave him.
We lost the kids after we had went for a walk and the police had stopped us to search us, as he was acting suspicious so they said. The police had said he smelt like weed and referred us to social services, we already had a social worker due to reports of his temper in public places. I left the kids to my mum, which I was advised to do by the social worker and we had gone through all these meetings, which he failed to attend with me, I was a wreck from losing the kids that I still stayed hooked on him. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my social worker at the time was the one to convince me to keep the baby when I had said I couldn’t do this with my two kids in care. She had hinted to get rid of him but I didn’t still I thought that he would change for us to get the kids back but I finally opened my eyes and asked for help to leave when he beat me 5 months pregnant in front of his friends. One of his friends called my social worker for me, got me out of the house and they had picked me up and put me in supported living which they had already had a flat waiting for me was just waiting for me to want to use it.
I went through depression and anxiety, I isolated myself for 2 months but one day I woke up and I was not going to let this man win. I had finally opened my eyes. I went out and got my unborn babies stuff ready for her, all new clothes, her furniture, everything she absolutely needed I had finally got her a month before I was due to have her. I asked for help to get counselling sorting and I saw my therapist for 2/3 years and it helped me so much.
The problem was, I was now 20 and I had my youngest DD home with me under a CPR and my older two were in foster care and we were in and out of court, I was undergoing assessments after assessments and the social worker didn’t think I’d cope with 3 kids and to be completely honest, which I didn’t admit at the time I was totally scared at the thought of having 3 kids on my own. 3 kids under the age of 4 at the age of 20. I just felt like I needed to fight for my kids, they had pushed for an adoption and I had helped pick a lovely family, we met a few times, on our own and with all the kids. It was then that I finally knew that giving this family my two children was the best choice for everyone. I now see my two kids every half term and regular video calls and letters as well We have such a great relationship with the parents as well. We are always included in absolutely everything they plan. I haven’t had social workers in 4 years now and I’m 7 years older, wiser and stronger. I’m a great mum to my DD who is now 6 and I’ve accepted the whole situation a very long time ago. I’m mentally okay, no more therapist, I’m just living a great life. I still stay in contact with my social worker, I meet her for lunch every so often to catch up, she played such an important part of my life and I couldn’t imagine us never seeing her again. The boyfriend at the time now has 11 kids with 4 different woman mine being the oldest.

Since I was a teenager, I have wanted to work with children in a nursery, it was my first job at 16 and I didn’t finish my apprenticeship due to getting pregnant a year in my placement and not thinking I could do both.

I have not tried to work in a nursery in over 10 years due to dealing with that and then being scared I couldn’t actually work with kids.

I’ve been offered a nursery position now, I’ve completed my police background check, two references and my medical form but now they are going to send it off to social services for vetting and I’m worried this will be what decides I can’t work there. The manager that done my interview and induction is confident that it won’t be a problem. But I can’t help be nervous. Does anyone have any advice or know anyone that’s had something similar?
My social worker that I still meet for lunch also said it shouldn’t be a problem and she was one of my references but I obviously am totally in my head with it

No judgement. I completely own up to my mistakes and I pay for it every single day. The kids are totally happy and thriving and they know who we are and the gists of what happened

Harsh and unfair.

OP I am a social worker. Given the long period of time that has elapsed and the reflection you have done, I think this should not bar you, as long as you're open and honest in the application.

Well done on turning it all around op, thats absolutely massive and you should be very proud of yourself.

I doubt there would be any reason for you to be denied the position, the manager and your social worker have told you as much, and they would know better than anyone.

I will say that there was a woman with a similar past who worked at a nursery here and several parents withdrew their dc, so do be prepared for some potential backlash if you live in the same area.

Coming at it from a slightly different angle, but I would advise you to be 100% sure that you want to to this job and that it's not going to undo any of the positive changes you have made in your life.

My experience is of having post natal depression after the birth of my second child. It took a long time to get better from, but after 2 years of therapy I felt as though I was fine. I trained as a postnatal doula as I wanted to help out other families, but what I didn't expect is that doing the work was really triggering for me. I was able to give to those children that I was looking after something that I wasn't able to give to my own child because I was so in the grips of PND. It was deeply upsetting. It set me back a lot and I don't work in that field now.

I don't want to put a dampener on your plans, but please do consider the impact on you of this sort of work given your history.

(sorry that I haven't answered your actual question!)

This - and it’s for this reason that I’d also be a bit reluctant if it were my kids in OP’s care.

It sounds harsh, and OP it genuinely sounds like you’ve changed things for the better, but I’d still struggle to trust someone who’d made so many poor decisions about the care of children before sorting things out.

Why??

Did you read the whole post or are you just being really nasty?

OP has described a really difficult time in her life and detailed the effort she has put into herself to make positive changes.

People are allowed to make mistakes and learn from them you know, it's called life.

For everyone that had replied with such nice words of encouragement, honestly thank you.

You could have just typed out the last sentence as OP didn't ask for nor need your judgment. Must be nice up there on your high horse.

@Boidont
I hope not, I would be extremely uncomfortable if I found out nursery had allowed you to care for my son.

Why? I'm not saying I agree or disagree with you, I'm interested in how you formed that opinion.

Through my work, I know a bloke when he was young took heroin. I re.ember him as a teenager and the geoup he associated with.He turned his live around and now works on a specialised team in child protection, having worked his way up through different social services departments. He has been clean for well over 30 years. He has a lovely family a d spends his time with his wife and kids and playing cricket.

I worked with a woman when I used to work with autistic children who used to be a prostitute. She doesn't shout about it, obviously. She was dealt a horrific early life and her family are well known in our town. ( not in a good way) With the help of being removed from her family, social services support she eventually went to uni and did amazing.

Many staff that you will come across in nurseries or schools will have a past. It doesn't make them a bad person or a person that can't be trusted. Nearly everyone is not the same person they were 10 or 20 years ago.

I don't think she was asking for views on her behaviour ten years ago was she?

I'm not a legal expert but if your nursery and ex social worker both know what happened and think its fine, it should be. Ethically you sound like you've absolutely earnt the right to pursue your preferred career and live a happy and fulfilled life.

Oh my goodness, I just want to give you a hug.

You've lived through absolute Hell, and you made a brave, utterly selfless, and unimaginably painful decision agreeing to your older children's adoption. And all barely out of childhood yourself.

I wouldn't judge someone staying in an abusive relationship because I know about them. I know when it's dangerous to leave and I know it's sometimes safer to stay.

If anyone imagines their nursery workers are all Mary Fucking Poppins, then get your kids out of there and look after them yourselves, because real, actual humans are flawed and make mistakes and deal with impossible personal situations, and those are the people looking after your children. Alongside the occasional MFP.

I think go for it, if your manager etc thinks it's not a problem, then it isn't.

Well you'll just have to wait and see.
If the nursery manager and the social worker that provided the reference are optimistic then there's no reason you shouldn't be.
I do think you're sharing this hoping for some kind of absolution.
My advice would be to not over share your past other than what is legally required.
People may be sympathetic to your face but you're going to be judged no doubt about it.
Just be realistic and protect your privacy ( & the privacy of your oldest two ).

To have gone through that, to have taken and engaged with an awful lot of therapy, and no doubt support in raising a child, and to have turned your life around, shows a great strength of character and probably a deeper insight into child development and parenting than a great number of people have.

this is why many people who have had alot of help go on to work in a way to give back and help others.

I would not have a problem, and hope your application is successful

It's a good think you'd never know about anything like this then isn't it?

Well you would never know would you…..this could be your child’s keyworker and no one would tell you….you don’t have a right to know

congratulations OP on your job offer ….I wish you well

You sound amazing OP - I'd be a million percent happy to have someone just like you looking after my DC in nursery.

Please don't let the negativity from a few posters knock you. It wasn't "too little, too late", it was just enough, just in time.

I don't know the answer to your question, although I don't see why not. I just wanted to say well done on turning your life around, it can't have been easy. Let us know how you get on.

But you would never know your kids were in the care of someone withOPs history…..it’s not your busines….you wouldn’t be told

I do not know if this would show up on your check as it doesn't seem as if you have committed a criminal offence, but I think a job working with children would be most unsuitable for you in every way. That isn't a judgement it's just common sense given your history,

I'm definitely not looking for absolution, none of you are handling my application so none of yous can tell me for sure.
I was looking for words of encouragement, advice, what other people think.
The kids privacy is protected just fine. No one knows us, where we live, what our names are and there is probably 101 people just similar to our situation

I’m aware that I wouldn’t know about the OP’s track record of caring for children. Not sure why so many people keep focusing on that. Is that supposed to automatically make it a good thing?

What an ignorant comment

You sound wonderful and you never know—your experience with foster care, open adoption, and complex sibling situations might make you invaluable to the staff and families at the nursery.

I’m a nursery teacher and I have worked with a colleague like you for about 5 years now. Except her situation wasn’t as long ago as yours. I can say in the beginning quite a few colleagues thought it questionable, but now she is one of us and is doing a great job

But, there were situations in the beginning you could tell she was triggered.
I don’t agree at all with the poster who said you may even be more suitable for it though

Good luck op, well done for turnlng your life
around.

Honestly, I hope so. I have a very different view to the first poster. It sounds like you have had to grow up fast and are probably older and wiser than most people your age. It would have been bloody hard to let your older two be adopted - but you found the strength because it was the best thing for them and that’s not only admirable but someone putting children’s interests ahead of their own is what people want in a childcare scenario.

The decision making part of a child’s brain is not fully mature until 25. Yes you made a mistake but you turned your life around and well done you. I hope you continue to go from strength to strength