Can I work in a nursery after having 2 kids removed from my care when I was 20?

[booknerdxo]

Long post ahead!

Just a bit of a back story,

When I was 19 I had two kids that were removed from my care and I was in a really abusive relationship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t abuse or touch the kids, I just want to make that clear. He did the bare minimum when it came to being a dad to them, he was more concerned with drugs and whatever girl he could get with.
I put him first, I could not see clearly what was right in front of me, I was very young and stupid and I put him before my kids even when everyone including social services had basically told me to leave him.
We lost the kids after we had went for a walk and the police had stopped us to search us, as he was acting suspicious so they said. The police had said he smelt like weed and referred us to social services, we already had a social worker due to reports of his temper in public places. I left the kids to my mum, which I was advised to do by the social worker and we had gone through all these meetings, which he failed to attend with me, I was a wreck from losing the kids that I still stayed hooked on him. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my social worker at the time was the one to convince me to keep the baby when I had said I couldn’t do this with my two kids in care. She had hinted to get rid of him but I didn’t still I thought that he would change for us to get the kids back but I finally opened my eyes and asked for help to leave when he beat me 5 months pregnant in front of his friends. One of his friends called my social worker for me, got me out of the house and they had picked me up and put me in supported living which they had already had a flat waiting for me was just waiting for me to want to use it.
I went through depression and anxiety, I isolated myself for 2 months but one day I woke up and I was not going to let this man win. I had finally opened my eyes. I went out and got my unborn babies stuff ready for her, all new clothes, her furniture, everything she absolutely needed I had finally got her a month before I was due to have her. I asked for help to get counselling sorting and I saw my therapist for 2/3 years and it helped me so much.
The problem was, I was now 20 and I had my youngest DD home with me under a CPR and my older two were in foster care and we were in and out of court, I was undergoing assessments after assessments and the social worker didn’t think I’d cope with 3 kids and to be completely honest, which I didn’t admit at the time I was totally scared at the thought of having 3 kids on my own. 3 kids under the age of 4 at the age of 20. I just felt like I needed to fight for my kids, they had pushed for an adoption and I had helped pick a lovely family, we met a few times, on our own and with all the kids. It was then that I finally knew that giving this family my two children was the best choice for everyone. I now see my two kids every half term and regular video calls and letters as well We have such a great relationship with the parents as well. We are always included in absolutely everything they plan. I haven’t had social workers in 4 years now and I’m 7 years older, wiser and stronger. I’m a great mum to my DD who is now 6 and I’ve accepted the whole situation a very long time ago. I’m mentally okay, no more therapist, I’m just living a great life. I still stay in contact with my social worker, I meet her for lunch every so often to catch up, she played such an important part of my life and I couldn’t imagine us never seeing her again. The boyfriend at the time now has 11 kids with 4 different woman mine being the oldest.

Since I was a teenager, I have wanted to work with children in a nursery, it was my first job at 16 and I didn’t finish my apprenticeship due to getting pregnant a year in my placement and not thinking I could do both.

I have not tried to work in a nursery in over 10 years due to dealing with that and then being scared I couldn’t actually work with kids.

I’ve been offered a nursery position now, I’ve completed my police background check, two references and my medical form but now they are going to send it off to social services for vetting and I’m worried this will be what decides I can’t work there. The manager that done my interview and induction is confident that it won’t be a problem. But I can’t help be nervous. Does anyone have any advice or know anyone that’s had something similar?
My social worker that I still meet for lunch also said it shouldn’t be a problem and she was one of my references but I obviously am totally in my head with it

No judgement. I completely own up to my mistakes and I pay for it every single day. The kids are totally happy and thriving and they know who we are and the gists of what happened

Have you thought about training courses to help raise your awareness of child development milestones, trauma, attachment, adverse childhood experiences? I know you said you have lived through them but you can only see it from your perspective (as parent/adult), you need to empathise with children who have experienced traumatic experiences to fully appreciate the life long effect it will have on them.
I agree with another poster who said you might be triggered by things working in a nursery, I work in children’s services and I would personally advise against it, although on paper there will be nothing stopping you. It might be trickier than you think.

I'm sure that the opinions of the nursery manager and your former social worker are the most relevant ones, and if they think this is no problem then I don't suppose it will be.

But... have you considered, or has anyone talked to you about, why you want to do this and whether it's the best thing for you?

On the one hand, I can imagine that looking after small children might be quite traumatic, and bring up some really difficult issues for you, having kind of messed things up with your eldest two and missed out on their childhood as a result. On the other hand, perhaps it might be healling - to be able to provide care for that age group in a way you know you failed to do first time round - a kind of redo, albeit with other people's children. But then again, would that be a good reason to do a job - the nursery children aren't there to fix your wounds.

Not saying any of this is the case, but given the circumstances, I think before embarking on a career in childcare you should really closely examine your reasons and feelings and the possible pitfalls with someone who can prompt you to consider difficult feelings and support you while you do (counsellor, therapist, your old social worker, for instance).

But I wish you luck and I'm sorry for what you and your kids have been through.

She didn't hurt her children, she was in an abusive relationship - she was the victim ffs.

We don’t know this from the post. Of course OP’s children were hurt by her staying in that abusive relationship with drugs and aggression. They were certainly victims too. And still are in a way. Don’t you dare minimize that.

I have no advice but just wanted to add my voice to those saying well done for turning your life around.

What do you think of is going to do that might put your child at risk? Given that she has a 6 year old at home with her and I'll bet her parenting of that DD has had more scrutiny than many teachers / nursery teachers have and still has her kid, it's not like she's repeating the patterns. She never laid her hands on the kids, she didn't exploit them in any way, she wasn't taking drugs, she wasn't watching someone else intentionally harm them (obviously the lifestyle was harmful and obviously op wasn't a good Mom to those kids initially). What do you think she'd do to your kids?

I can tell you the reasons why the parents withdrew their kids from the nursery around here if you're interested.

They felt that the staff member didn't feel she would put their kids first as she hadn't put her own kids first.

They felt if she was vulnerable enough to put a man before her own kids that potentially another man could groom her into all sorts of behaviour involving their kids too.

They felt that the staff member had shown a lack of judgement when she was in a position of responsibility, and didn't want a repeat involving their kids.

They felt that her standards of caring for her own dc were low and that would carry through to the nursery setting.

It wasn't fair to the lady who had turned her life around, but I think it's understandable that parents don't want their kids looked after by anyone they are uncomfortable with.

This shouldn't effect the op having the job, but it could potentially effect parents choosing the nursery.

Why is it unsuitable?

I mean take Maxine Carr.

She worked in a school, she did not kill/touch any child herself, she was warned again and again over the years about her fiances behavior but made a bad choice to defend an abusive man repetitively.

She was known to be quite liked by the kids at school, not a bad teacher and has since had her own kids and raised them with as far as the public no know abusive incidences.

However do you think the public would come together to be supportive of her to go back to teaching or caring for their kids?

She 'just' made a bad choice despite countless warnings (wasn't unaware she CHOOSE to stand by him), shes was young and has grown up, she has not hurt the kids she has now etc... must just forgive and forget then.

If the well meaning bollocks on this thread was actually true in real life then she would be teaching away at a school not in witness protection for fear of public lynching.

I mean I doubt you would get lynched or anything Maxine is an extremely famous case but Maxine didn't even have her own kids to protect. I do think the issue is if you couldn't even put your OWN children first over an abuser again and again and again and again to the point that the state had to remove children from your care because you are not a suitable care giver in the choices you make. Then how is anyone knowing that suppose to trust you to make good choices with their kids that you have less of a connection too?

But how would a parent know.?

Hi OP. It’s my understanding that it is not social services decision whether you work in the nursery or not, all they will do is provide any relevant information to the nursery. The fact that your children have been on child protection plans would have/ should have already shown up on your enhanced DBS check anyway, as the police are always invited to those meetings. Ultimately once the nursery manager is in receipt of all the of the information, it will be up to them if they employ you or not. So if you have been honest with them and they are telling you it won’t be a problem, I wouldn’t worry about it

The parents here knew because it was all the same area and people talk.

I'm not sure if the op is in the same area or not.

I echo that.

Op, you have done really well.

When you start the job (I'm hoping you will), don't tell your colleagues anything about your earlier problems. It's enough that the nursery manager knows. Keep your personal business private.

I wish you success in the future.

We do know that from the post. The OP said her ex never directly abused them to clarify that she didn’t allow them to be physically or sexually abused.

but I don’t think OP is saying they haven’t been damaged or hurt by it. I don’t think pps are minimising anything. They are pointing out the reasons why OP may not have been in a fit state to protect them from the abuse, but she wasn’t the source of that abuse.

OP I think you’ve done a great job in turning things around. You should listen to your social worker- she’s a professional who is far more aware of the situation and background than any of us on mumsnet. If she says this is right for you, then she knows you well.

I don’t think posters talking about how this may be ‘triggering’ realise that professionals who have worked with you for years will have considered these things already.

As long as you're open and honest I think you stand a good chance of being able to take up this role.

If it goes well would you consider working for Homestart or some kind of family support service that supports women and children who are going through the child protection system? Peer support from parents who have survived the system and gone on to parent successfully can be really powerful.

My post isn’t about what’s been done or hasn’t been done to kids, or whether something specific would happen to mine. I’m purely focusing on OP’s decision making history and what that suggests about how she prioritises people’s needs under difficult/stressful circumstances.

Like others have said, I wouldn’t necessarily know that history as a nursery parent. But equally, she wouldn’t know how I’d feel about having her as a carer - and those would be my honest feelings.

If your DBS is clear there is no legal restriction and it sounds like you've been open with the manager of the nursery.

Private lives should be kept out of working lives as much as possible. You will have a chance to see how you find the role before going into an apprenticeship. Working with other people's children feels very different to looking after your own and you are never alone with the children, there will always be colleagues along side you.

This might not be the norm in your area but I know all my kids carers pretty well. Over time we’ve naturally developed relationships on drop offs and pickups, as you do, but they’ve also been my kids babysitters from time to time which has meant lots of opportunities for small talk and general chit chat about our families and careers.

And the man gets to walk away with little judgement.
The OP and her children were victims of abuse.

For sure. He has 11 kids mine being the oldest and every single woman has had social services involvement. Not denying the part I played though

must be a local thing……we all use family for babysitting…..don’t know anyone who has ever asked a nursery worker…….we only have 2 nurseries where I live….both are council run……I knew one ladys family as she was local……didn’t know the rest beyond their names…..it was the deputy head who saw everyone in and out each day……no chitchat as such……very professional

You’ve done everything else. Your former social worker, who’s known you a long time and seen how you’ve changed your life, has supported your application.
All I can suggest is you’re always 100% honest. No need to run yourself down but always answer any questions from your employer or SS honestly.

In a lot of ways you are in a good position to work with children as you’ve seen the very worst of how life can be, maybe you’ll be more open to parents who are in a difficult place. Take it slowly, take every training opportunity and good luck for the future.

I know of people who are allowed to work in a nursery despite their own children being on CP plans (for better or worse) so I am sure you’ll be fine

Everyone has their own past and background. You’ve done no harm to your children, so I don’t see any issue with you getting a job at a nursery.

@booknerdxo - firstly, congratulations for being such a strong woman and for managing to turn your life around. It sounds like there won't be a problem with the nursery job and it's good that you told the Interviewing Manager the truth. So fingers crossed that all will be well

I do second several other posters on here that you should not tell your co-workers about what happened in the past, for your own sake and for that of your 6year old. Lots of people on here very understanding - but also a number who are being very judgemental and some very much with a 'holier than thou' attitude. That will be true of opinions out in the bigger world too.

If you MUST say something to co-workers, at some point, then just say you were very young and had to give up 2 babies for adoption ( but you still see them from time to time)

Good Luck with the job

"She didn't hurt her children, she was in an abusive relationship - she was the victim ffs."

I've seen Ofsted suspend and revoke childminders' registrations because they were victims of historical domestic abuse. I don't know if it applies to nursery workers.