Can I work in a nursery after having 2 kids removed from my care when I was 20?

[booknerdxo]

Long post ahead!

Just a bit of a back story,

When I was 19 I had two kids that were removed from my care and I was in a really abusive relationship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t abuse or touch the kids, I just want to make that clear. He did the bare minimum when it came to being a dad to them, he was more concerned with drugs and whatever girl he could get with.
I put him first, I could not see clearly what was right in front of me, I was very young and stupid and I put him before my kids even when everyone including social services had basically told me to leave him.
We lost the kids after we had went for a walk and the police had stopped us to search us, as he was acting suspicious so they said. The police had said he smelt like weed and referred us to social services, we already had a social worker due to reports of his temper in public places. I left the kids to my mum, which I was advised to do by the social worker and we had gone through all these meetings, which he failed to attend with me, I was a wreck from losing the kids that I still stayed hooked on him. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my social worker at the time was the one to convince me to keep the baby when I had said I couldn’t do this with my two kids in care. She had hinted to get rid of him but I didn’t still I thought that he would change for us to get the kids back but I finally opened my eyes and asked for help to leave when he beat me 5 months pregnant in front of his friends. One of his friends called my social worker for me, got me out of the house and they had picked me up and put me in supported living which they had already had a flat waiting for me was just waiting for me to want to use it.
I went through depression and anxiety, I isolated myself for 2 months but one day I woke up and I was not going to let this man win. I had finally opened my eyes. I went out and got my unborn babies stuff ready for her, all new clothes, her furniture, everything she absolutely needed I had finally got her a month before I was due to have her. I asked for help to get counselling sorting and I saw my therapist for 2/3 years and it helped me so much.
The problem was, I was now 20 and I had my youngest DD home with me under a CPR and my older two were in foster care and we were in and out of court, I was undergoing assessments after assessments and the social worker didn’t think I’d cope with 3 kids and to be completely honest, which I didn’t admit at the time I was totally scared at the thought of having 3 kids on my own. 3 kids under the age of 4 at the age of 20. I just felt like I needed to fight for my kids, they had pushed for an adoption and I had helped pick a lovely family, we met a few times, on our own and with all the kids. It was then that I finally knew that giving this family my two children was the best choice for everyone. I now see my two kids every half term and regular video calls and letters as well We have such a great relationship with the parents as well. We are always included in absolutely everything they plan. I haven’t had social workers in 4 years now and I’m 7 years older, wiser and stronger. I’m a great mum to my DD who is now 6 and I’ve accepted the whole situation a very long time ago. I’m mentally okay, no more therapist, I’m just living a great life. I still stay in contact with my social worker, I meet her for lunch every so often to catch up, she played such an important part of my life and I couldn’t imagine us never seeing her again. The boyfriend at the time now has 11 kids with 4 different woman mine being the oldest.

Since I was a teenager, I have wanted to work with children in a nursery, it was my first job at 16 and I didn’t finish my apprenticeship due to getting pregnant a year in my placement and not thinking I could do both.

I have not tried to work in a nursery in over 10 years due to dealing with that and then being scared I couldn’t actually work with kids.

I’ve been offered a nursery position now, I’ve completed my police background check, two references and my medical form but now they are going to send it off to social services for vetting and I’m worried this will be what decides I can’t work there. The manager that done my interview and induction is confident that it won’t be a problem. But I can’t help be nervous. Does anyone have any advice or know anyone that’s had something similar?
My social worker that I still meet for lunch also said it shouldn’t be a problem and she was one of my references but I obviously am totally in my head with it

No judgement. I completely own up to my mistakes and I pay for it every single day. The kids are totally happy and thriving and they know who we are and the gists of what happened

I would have a tink about how your oldest children might feel as they get older about this choice. They were separated from their sibling, who you are raising. To add to that, looking after other children for a job, personally I think that's too much to put on them.

My circumstances are different, but I was very much abandoned by my dad. Through extended family I know that he does a lot of fundraising for deprived families where he lives. He's amazing apparently, but I still grew up abandoned by my day, and never shook the feeling that other people's children were more important. That broke me as much as anything in his choices.

Why do you want to work with kids OP? What is it about this particular line of work that attracts you? Have you given thought to the challenges it could present for you? Not in terms of getting the job, but in performing it.

Your OP reads very unevenly, like a script you haven't adapted. There's a lot of hyperfocus on matters that aren't really relevant to where you are now and other huge aspects are glossed over.

Quite often the way we frame our stories, and the things we leave out of them, can tell us more about ourselves than merely following the line of events. I wonder if it might be useful for you to consider this.

Hi OP well done for looking after yourself.
I actually have no idea why it's even being sent off to social services for vetting?
You've not done anything that would go on dbs form.
You will get the job.

I think you eventually did the right thing but unfortunately too little, too late. You should have put your children first from the beginning and I feel sorry for the 2 children who are growing up seeing their mum keeping one child but not them, they'll have a lot of trauma to deal with.

In regards to working in a nursery, if you have the skills then go for it.

@LemonPeonies fixed your post for you, as this is all thats relevant really given what the OP asked

You've done so well! You should be really proud x

I actually think you are quite inspiring and can’t see any issues with you working in a nursery.
Good luck with everything and please come back and update us!

I think it's fine. You were so young when you had your children. I was 29 when I had my first.

I have actually known this happen. But the childminder was apparently letting her ex visit her home long after she'd claimed she'd broken up with him. Obviously her home was the place where her business was located so an obvious safeguarding risk.
She claimed the ex was uninvited, I don't know the truth, but if so she'd lost her business because he'd carried on persecuting her.

Thank you so much! And I definitely will

I actually think your lived experience could be really useful in a nursery setting when it comes to supporting families going through difficult times. You will be in a better position than most to understand some of the struggles

If your social worker thinks it will be OK then I would be guided by that. Your children were put up for adoption primarily because of their abusive father and your relationship with him. You didn't abuse them and did not have your youngest taken from your sole care. You sound like you have really turned your life around, see your past clearly and take full responsibility for your failings with your oldest children. Good luck.

I don’t have any professional advice etc but I just wanted to say - you had a tough start and maybe you made decisions that you wouldn’t have made today, but what’s done is done and you ultimately did put your children first. I wouldn’t have any issue with you working with my children and I wish you the absolute best of luck.

I’m a teacher and in schools they have sometimes asked whether your own child has even been subject to a CP plan I don’t know if nurseries do this though

@AAudreyHorne I didn’t get my reply deleted, I stand by my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️
Like another person said, Maxine Carr comes to mind.
You’re also listening to one side of the story, personally I expect they’re more layers to it. Regardless, not wanting my child looked after by someone who doesn’t have care of 2 out of 3 of her children I think is reasonable, and this is the most mumsnet response I’ve ever seen lol. If it was a man you’d all be clutching your pearls!

If the circumstances were irrelevant why would the OP have included them? Of course it's relevant for a Job looking after other's children if your own have been removed due to your lack of safeguarding and protecting them.

Just to say well done, OP. You are truly an inspiration. Not many posts bring tears to my eyes but yours did. I hope you get the nursery job.💐

How utterly arrogant to say that you have fixed someones post for them by crossing over their words.

I can’t answer your question. But I did want to say huge kudos to you for turning things around. You should feel proud of what you have achieved

It sounds like you've had so much trauma and it must have been really difficult for you. I'm so pleased you've turned things around.
I honestly don't think there would be any employment issues. DBS covers criminal activities. If you've not been charged or prosecuted for a criminal offence then it would come up clear.
Your issues with DV and your children were not crimes. You have no need to worry on that front and you don't need to tell people about that unless you want to.
Good luck and I wish you the best in your new job x

Ikr! Must have hit a nerve

Not on me. But yet again, arrogant.

I meant to the person who crossed my words out 🤣

With a clean Enhanced DBS it shouldn't be a problem for you to work in a nursery. I don't think you have to declare social services involvement so does sound a bit odd them wanting to speak with social services, maybe it flagged something like a caution or a warning even if no convictions.

On paper I would feel quite uncomfortable with somebody who didn't have parental responsibility for their children looking after mine. As harsh as that sounds I can only relate it to when police officers backgrounds are brought up after they've committed a crime and everybody's asked why on earth they were allowed to do that job and be in a position of power when it was known they had a conflicting background. Nobody can truly know from a post on Mumsnet but you do also sound like you have turned things around, so on the other hand, I would like to think you get a chance to do the job you've always wanted to if you can prove you're able to do it well.

Ah I see. 😂 Sorry. Thought you were the besserwisser.

We are doing people a massive disservice if we start to say we don’t trust that people can turn their lives around. What motivation is there for people to get themselves out of the horrible positions they are in if we then hold that against them for life?

the OP has seemingly been honest with everyone involved about her past, she isn’t trying to hide anything. She has worked hard to transform her life and that included making that hard decision that for all involved the eldest two would be better living elsewhere. Would a single parent struggling with 3 under four really have benefited anyone?