Really upset by teen comment about Christmas

[lurchersforever]

He's 17. Not materialistic and very difficult to buy for. Doesn't really like 'stuff', no interest in fashion/clothes etc or the latest tech. I tend to spend on experiences - he likes theatre, sport but traditionally has done that with ex, though ex has cooled on it recently. Likes books. Usually says he wants nothing. Younger brother (15) is a bit easier -collects vinyl by his favourite artists, likes 'merch' connected to them etc.

I probably spend around £200-£300 each on them, but that will include everything - Xmas Eve boxes, stockings, advent calendars etc. There have been years when it has been considerably more for bikes, ipads, gaming laptops, but these have been rare and not recent as they have what they need.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really, but I suppose compared to some I don't really spend that much. Family is small and the vast majority of what they get comes from me.

Next year we are going to the USA, which will cost a lot more than our usual European holidays. DS2 was the driving force behind this and ds1 took some persuading but is now happy with what we have planned and looking forward to it. Tonight I happened to make my 'cutting back' comment and linked it to going to USA he said 'It wasn't my idea to go there,' and then added 'You already have cut back and have for years.' I asked what he meant and he repeated it basically. I asked how he'd describe our Christmases and he said 'low-key,' which I suppose is true but I also thought they were special and he never asks for a lot or expresses disappointment. In fact, the only times I have sensed and disappointment from him at Christmas is when I've got him stuff I can tell he hasn't really wanted and he feels bad.

Anyway, I was upset and he was angry and frustrated with me and said he can't say anything. I just feel like he thinks our Christmases are crappy. It's blown over now and I won't mention it again to him but I feel rubbish now.

The cutting back comments are pointless and would be annoying.

He's hard work - no interest in learning to drive for environmental reasons, no interest in latest tech
How is that 'hard work'? Only because you feel compelled to spend all this money on him.
He sounds like a nice, conscientious, academic and unmaterialistic chap. Imagine he was a boy racer who had no interest in learning and just always wanted the latest iPhone? You sound really negative about him - and about Christmas. As his mum you should be making it more upbeat and fun instead of moaning.

your teen might have heard ‘don’t ask for anything’ when you said ‘we’re cutting back’, so feels like he can’t asked for what he wants, so hasn’t, leaving him feeling disappointed.

Hey, a few posts have been a but negative - I think it's completely reasonable to set expectations around Xmas when there's social media nonsense about spending a fortune and redecorating for Xmas etc. Too many people get into debt or go broke for some "amazing" Xmas experience that is instagrammable.

I'll be managing my child's expectations as she grows up!

Sounds to me like your lad is just being a teen, influenced by online imagery of Xmas and being a little bit mean to you. Therefore you're completely reasonable to be upset. Perhaps try that old mumsnet chestnut "did you mean to be rude?" If he says it again.

Try and emphasis how Xmas is about family and love, not materialism.

Good luck!

It may not be a grand announcement, but every year you ‘open’ thoughts of Christmas by saying it’s not going to be as good as the year before. Why do you do this?

I'll be managing my child's expectations as she grows up!

There's managing expectations and then there's being a downer. The former is fine but when you make the same comments every year about "cutting back" it starts to get a bit depressing.

You can have a good Christmas and be festive etc. without spending a lot of money or drawing attention to it constantly.

I know right, what a horrible thing to write about your own kid and for no reason.

What makes you think you know what every 17-year old generally get, need or want?
How odd to think younger children get more.

There are many expensive things a 17-year old can get for Christmas. £200 wouldn’t get far.

Your way of living and thinking is not the only way, it seems this might come as a surprise to you.

Reading back through your posts, you are trying to keep creating the young child’s exciting Christmas — which is entirely centred on the present pile — for teens, who are much better at appreciating it as an event, and who are well aware that a small number of well chosen presents is infinitely preferable to a large pile of stuff bought for its own sake. And there’s nothing wrong with a low key Christmas.

It feels as if the person most influenced by Instagram visions of Christmas is you.

What presents do your children buy you and each other?

Blimey you're getting a hard time, OP! Sounds like you have lovely Christmases and I can quite understand why with working full time, you are starting to think about things now.

I would try not to let the comment hurt you. My teen kids have friends whose Christmases I couldn't possibly compete with - Jo Malone as stocking presents, that sort of thing, and of course nowadays they put it all on snapchat etc so everyone knows what everyone else gets. We've never had Christmases like that - I spend around what you spend. Our Christmases would definitely be 'low key' compared to a lot of DC's friends. Well, tough!

You sound like a lovely thoughtful mum. Don't beat yourself up. Your boys will be fine.

This.

I don't see how being uninterested in cars and tech s "hard work."

If he's into history there is no shortage of books and other materials (videos, calendars, games, museum memberships, walking tours, maps, etc) that could reflect his interests. Just as a start.

Same if he has environmental concerns. Myriad possibilities.

Seriously, just because it's hard to think of what to buy someone for Christmas doesn't make them a bad person or 'hard work'. How lovely that he's so content and ungrasping.

Christmas is like the rest of the year, in the sense that kids get what their parents can afford. It's just at Christmas there's this weird expectation that it all be the same. Teenagers understand why other people get multiple holidays a year and expensive tech, it's the same at Christmas, especially post father Christmas years.

OP, what you do sounds very generous. You spend £600 on gifts alone, and have your own traditions. Some families spend far less (my child is much younger but I'll be spending around £150), others spend far more (the telescope from a PP that costs more than my whole Christmas combined). It depends on what you can afford, doesn't it?

I agree with comment above that's the mistake was framing this as cutting back. You've sent the message that the Christmas they get isn't the Christmas you wanted for them, and it preemptively sends the message that their Christmas isn't very good. Reframe it as you will give them the absolute best Christmas you can, while being realistic about what that means for your family. They'll get it!

By the way, I am like your DS1. I hate stuff, I only like books and some specific clothing or jewellery, but my family absolutely love gifts and gift giving. I know it's hard for them because they feel like they're missing me out. But really I always enjoy Christmas and I enjoy being gifted these things, but for me Christmas really isn't about the stuff.

I always say 'I am cutting back this year,' and then don't really,

I sometimes do this - not a big thing but to manage expectations occasional comment and frankly usually intend to. This year have no choice - money is tighter than ever which our teens are aware of.

I did grow up with parents who did financial guilt tripping with everything - but as an adult can see it was because they were under huge financial worry and stress - though they kept lights on and food on table it was a huge worry for them. My teens sometimes have to wait for items sometimes things that aren't hugely expensive - till payday or credit card goes into next month and sometimes I have to wait months for things for myself - that is just life though I try to be more matter of fact about it.

As for why I'm thinking about Christmas shopping now - because I can't afford to do it all in December . We even start picking up some of the longer lasting food items now. Christmas tends to be putting away physical items - summer holiday is saving money every month rather than it coming out of one or two pay packets.

Teenagers and Christmas can be hard - they think they are too old for many traditions but still want to do others.

I would suggest being much more firm about presents wanted though - be clear money can't be wasted this year or ever from now on - he doesn't believe in FC/Santa so he can clearly tell you what he wants - not telling you and acting upset when he doesn't get it it fucking annoying behavior.

Talk of financial restraints does tend to get my teens to think what they actually want and to tell me now - so I can get it over next few months- last minute expensive items I just can't swing though mine are lucky there birthdays are spring summer so they can get things then - they have found this out the hard way though despite me being upfront.

Also does he do any shopping for others - mine start at 16 give them money but does help them understand costs bit more.

Everyone does Christmas differently - and there are a lot of people on here much richer than me. I'd suggest better communication with him at 17 about what he values at Christmas and what he wants.

my mum ruined christmas every year for me, it was either stress or the comment every year about cutting back and oh were only doing something small this year. even if it was the same every year, it was always ruined. i stopped looking forward to december and wished it would just pass

Do those who are saying £200 is a lot have teenagers? It's only enough to buy 1 pair of trainers and a nice hoody. Plus some lynx and socks for their stocking.

We spend about this BTW but most of their friends get way more.

Periodically throughout my childhood my parents would sit us down and tell us they were ‘cutting back’ for a while so we couldn’t spend any money, except they only ever spent money on themselves anyway, everything we had was from charity shops, it just felt really shit, why announce it?

I can see if he’d asked for something that cost £££ and you had to explain that you couldn’t afford it, but if it comes out of nowhere it’s just depressing.

I'm surprised all posters saying the got financial guilty tripping at Christmas and it ruined it for them - I got it all year - with extra at Christmas, birthdays and summer holidays.

They didn't love us any less it really was huge stress they were under - could they have handle it better not sure 80s industrial midlands with main worker job under constant threat was a stressful place to be.

No one likes a ''Cut back'' comment- That's just a killjoy comment.
£300 each is loads.

Maybe by low key he means not too many people. He probably said it without thinking.

Perhaps that is another way forward.

I have £300 to spend on both of you - and x on rest of budget - so what are our priorities.

I think this is a non issue. You told him for years, every year, that you were cutting back. Why wouldn't he believe that to be true if it's what you said?

Also it wasn't his choice to go on holiday. Holidays are nice but it wasn't overly an interest if his in the first place.

I think you're missing the point of the cutting back responses. It's not about the money or gifts, it's the attitude that Christmas is a bit of a burden, and they are the cause of that burden! They may not consciously make that connection but it's there. And I still don't see why you say it - managing expectations? You say he doesn't expect much anyway. It seems to have become a tradition in itself - oh here's mum with her annual 'cutting back' comment, better not ask for XYZ then.
My late DH used to do this in a different way - not the cutting back part, but I love Christmas and when I would start chatting about decorating etc he would automatically start saying it was too much pressure (I wasn't asking him to do anything) and I made him feel guilty he wasn't as enthusiastic. Which in turn made me feel guilty for loving it and brought my mood down. If he had just rolled his eyes (metaphorically) and said 'yes dear sounds great' that would have been better and I could go on my merry way.
So next time Christmas comes up, speak with enthusiasm about what you will be doing rather than a 'steady on temper your expectations' dampener. The gifts are only one part of it but cutting back comments seem to blanket the whole joy of the holiday.

I'd find it hurtful too. But to be fair on him low key is hardly a big insult, he might even be using your language.

🤣 “ go on my merry way!” 🧑‍🎄🎄🔔