Would you have a child by yourself if you had a lot of money?

[lounellie]

As I approach my mid/late 30s, I am starting to ask myself what I really want regarding motherhood.

I think the chances of finding a man who is suitable to be a good life partner and father in the next few years are slim, so among other options I am asking myself if solo motherhood might be an option for me.

I have a very stable good job that pays very well and is quite flexible, so I have lots of disposable income. I live abroad so no family around to help unfortunately, but lots of lovely friends.

In these circumstances, would you have a baby by yourself?

Thanks for your thoughts!

Yes, I would.

I ended up a single parent anyway, so I wouldn't discount it on that basis.

If I'd not met anyone yes I suspect I would have done, I think the urge would have trumped all else. But realistically I don't think it's great for the child.

Yes I would. I’d work out a detailed budget. Do you have family in another country who might stay and help from time to time? If you have close family back home you may end up wanting to move back to be near them. Something about children can make you crave family relationships (assuming you have family).

I had a baby with someone who became abusive during the pregnancy and left when DC was one. It was much easier to be a single parent than with a poor DP. I did have family, but not nearby. I went back to work 3 days a week and paid for help. You need to make sure you've got rock solid childcare arrangements. Would you use a donor or find a friend or use a coparenting website? Would you and the child live permanently abroad? Do any of your friends have children? At a minimum, get a fertility check and freeze some eggs. Good luck! I wish I had done it alone in the first place!

Go for it. You will do fine.

I would, personally, as I knew I always wanted children.

I would use the disposable income to buy in help- regular cleaner, online shopping, possibly a part time nanny for one afternoon a week for some time when you know you’ll not be disturbed (I had babies with silent reflux who cried a huge amount and couldn’t be put down, so would have needed a few hours just to decompress).

Single parenthood is hard work as you have to juggle work and house and child without anyone else to help. Trying to work when you have been up all night with a restless baby is hard.

I've been a single parent to four children since the youngest was 2yo and she is now 15yo. I wouldn't recommend it but I know that sometimes the want of a child isn't always based on what might be the easy choice!

Yes, definitely. The early days would be hard and I would draft in help, either family or a night nurse in the first 3 months, just so you have someone to hold the baby so you can sleep. But parenting a child is not at all impossible solo, lots of people do it and very well. The people I know who struggled, struggled because they were coping with a relationship breakdown at the same time as having a new baby. If you go into it with the expectation of solo parenting, it’s very different.

I did, I wouldn’t say I had a lot of money, I had enough to pay the bills etc and to keep us going.

If I could support myself alone, yes, I would have certainly considered it.

I did - I wasn’t on a huge salary but I had decent savings and did a lot of calculations about finances and how I would manage in all sorts of scenarios. I turned 36 and realised that I didn’t mind about being single but not having a child (or at least trying) really did upset me. It took a while, but I have an amazing daughter who is almost six. Happy to answer any questions if you want to send me a message.

Just a warning, you will get people on here who will be outraged and say it is incredibly abusive to bring a child into the world with no father. Maybe I am lucky, but no one in the real world has said anything like it to me, even people I expected to be shocked have been incredibly welcoming,

110%

Definitely.

I don't think single parenthood is so much the issue, but I do wonder the emotional impact of not knowing one half of your family? The feeling your father was just supplying sperm and not seeking to be a father. The potential identity uncertainty. For some people it would be no issue, but I think it would be for some. (Just to add I did say I'd probably do it because I do think the urge would override rationality and I would live in hope).

Obviously it would be preferable to how many situations turn out eg abuse, but the difference is it's a situation of your doing as opposed to something that happens.

Have you got other support, siblings/mum? I don’t think it’s always just physical support but also mental support, someone to talk to especially when they are small and you are self doubting constantly.

I'd have two! Seriously, I think one-to-one can get a bit intense with some personalities.

Three of you will be a lovely family unit. Go for it.

I wouldnt, unless I had an extremely close and supportive relationship with extended family.

Not so much for the practicalities (childcare when I needed to work, socialise, etc) but to share the emotional and psychological pressures involved with nurturing a child. It is so intense at the best of times. The connection between parent and child is the petri dish in which their psyche develops. That creates such a challenging sense of responsibility for getting things right, and it is hard on both the parent and the child if it is not shared with at least one deeply involved other adult (and/or with another child, which might be a less likely presence if the mum has no partner).

Of course that one/one situation often develops because of what life throws at you - relationship breakdown, etc - and children can thrive with it. But I wouldn't take it on voluntarily.

No because it is about a child not 'I want a child!' like having one is like a new handbag

Definitely not. I know some people do a great job being lone parents but I don't think it's ethical to actually plan a baby that will not have one their parents there from day 1.

Being a parent is also a huge responsibility and I think it's far more enjoyable to have the other parent to share the load with.

I wouldn’t have ever chosen single parenthood, obviously it happens as out of many peoples control and just circumstances.

Not in a million years. It’s an extremely selfish thing to do. What happens if you have a serious illness? You aren’t thinking this through at all.

I wouldn’t personally have chosen it, no. Its a lonely life for you, and sad for a child not to know their father.

I know plenty of women end up doing it alone anyway ( mother was a single parent after a disaster it’s marriage to my father), but I wouldn’t knowingly put myself or a child in that position.

Well I am which is why I said I am considering that option alongside others. I am just thinking about it, not rushing into any decisions.

You sound like a strong capable individual, able to weigh up pros and cons so 100% go for it. The doubters on here do have some valid points. In an ideal world we would all have amazing partners and live happily ever after.

In the real world unfortunately no guarantees. I brought 4 kids up alone bar a couple of years, my greatest achievement and they are all stable professional adults now who say they wouldn't have had it any other way.
Good luck.

Having children generally is a selfish thing to do.

Many end as single parents, or worse- in dysfunctional relationships- and tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone.

I think much better to go in eyes open and work out the costs etc but yes I would have done it alone.