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Original poster

Would you have a child by yourself if you had a lot of money?

109 replies

lounellie · 28/09/2024 09:24

As I approach my mid/late 30s, I am starting to ask myself what I really want regarding motherhood.

I think the chances of finding a man who is suitable to be a good life partner and father in the next few years are slim, so among other options I am asking myself if solo motherhood might be an option for me.

I have a very stable good job that pays very well and is quite flexible, so I have lots of disposable income. I live abroad so no family around to help unfortunately, but lots of lovely friends.

In these circumstances, would you have a baby by yourself?

Thanks for your thoughts!

OP posts:
Autumn38 · 29/09/2024 08:13

Yes if I had lots of money. Do you have enough that you could pay for help at night in the early days?

id factor in support like a doula, night nurse, newborn nanny etc. also ad hoc babysitters as little one gets older.

if you can afford that then yes I’d go for it! (You’d actually be in a better position than me in some ways as I can imagine having a professional in the early days would actually be way better than me and my equally clueless DH muddling along! 😂)

Leafstamp · 29/09/2024 08:20

Knowing what I know about being a parent, I wouldn’t. I value the input of my husband (my children’s father so much), and by that I mean mainly emotional input, though of course practical and more.

I also think my children have had an immeasurably better childhood for having had him closely involved in their lives.

I would consider co-parenting with someone, if I knew a man in a similar boat who was a decent person and who wanted to father a child. But relive bring a baby into the world not knowing their father, I don’t think that’s fair, personally.

Aussieland · 29/09/2024 08:21

Edingril · 28/09/2024 09:47

No because it is about a child not 'I want a child!' like having one is like a new handbag

And yet literally the only reason really that anyone has a child is because they want one…

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Mydogisaknob · 29/09/2024 08:25

No because I would never use donor sperm and intentionally deprive a child of a father.

ChocolateLemsip · 29/09/2024 08:26

I don't think it's selfish but I wouldn't do it knowing what I do about how hard parenting is. Friends aren't family.

Lengokengo · 29/09/2024 08:31

I had a friend who was a single mother already and did exactly this. Her DH had left her when her first baby was 3 months. She always wanted 2, and after several years it was clear she wasn’t going to meet anyone else, so she had a second child by herself. But. She knew what she was getting into, knew that she was suited to motherhood, ha a well paying job and could afford a live in au pair. Also was living where she grew up, so had a big support network. It was absolutely right for her.
I however, would not have done it, as it would not have been right for me. I am not particularly suited to motherhood ( despite being one) have very little support network and need time to myself, which I wouldn’t get at all. You have to work out what would work for your personality and circumstances.

Beezknees · 29/09/2024 08:39

No.

I will never think purposely depriving a child of a father is the right thing to do. Sometimes it can't be helped (my ex refuses to see DS) but I'd never do it knowing full well there would be no father.

Spacecowboys · 29/09/2024 08:40

No I wouldn’t. Having a present, involved father is better than doing it alone. There are single parents out there smashing life but very few actively chose it. It will be harder, even with plenty of money.

Sillybollocks · 29/09/2024 08:42

I have considered it but what put me off was not really having close family and my sibling and spouse not wanting children, so it wouldn't really be fair for them to have to take mine in if anything happened to me. I have a close friend who offered, proactively to do so, but she lives abroad and it would be complicated so I expect my sibling would feel a sense of responsibility still.

I don't think it's 'selfish' in principle. They have access to info about the father now plus I think some agree to contact later on (I don't know the full law on this). Also some fathers are absent since conception and people wouldn't choose not to have been born

However I would consider what support you will have both day to day and in case you are taken seriously ill or, I hate to say it, but your child is orphaned. Is there family at home who could take it in? I know it seems morbid but it was a consideration for me.

Halfemptyhalfling · 29/09/2024 08:50

Yes I would, even if I would struggle for money. Some things are more important and YOLO

Lemanoir · 29/09/2024 08:52

I would have, but now I have a child with my husband I dread the thought of something happening to him that means I would have to parent alone.

i get so much support from him and our daughter gets a completely different relationship from him. They are always messing about, playing games together in a completely different was to how I interact with her. It’s a joy to watch their relationship.

One thing you would really need to consider is the child’s next of kin. What’s the plan if you die? Personally this never crossed my mind until we had a newborn and were doing our wills. It still haunts me now, as we don’t have a great plan (parents in their 80s, siblings in different countries). But it’s really important consideration for a solo parent.

CottonbudQueen · 29/09/2024 08:54

Hell yes

Realist2022 · 29/09/2024 09:03

I did and don't regret it for a moment. I always knew what I was getting in (so far as anyone does that has a child) and knew that I could offer a loving, stable environment. Knowingly being a single parent is different from becoming a single parent through other means and that is reflected in the child's experience as well. Go for it.

Oganesson118 · 29/09/2024 09:05

Absolutely not, especially not with zero family support around me.

Cas112 · 29/09/2024 10:05

Before I had a child I would say yes

After having a child. Their is no way I would do this alone

DancingLions · 29/09/2024 10:33

When I read on here all the downfalls of having a man involved, I’m glad I did it alone! Biggest for me is when the couple breaks up and dad wants 50/50. I would not have been happy not having my kids for half the week. Or the women who stay in shitty relationships because of the kids. Or just the potential arguments on how they’re raised.

Yes when you do it alone it’s all on you but there are plus points to that. It isn’t all negative.

Having family around isn’t a guarantee of support. I have a mum but she was never involved. I couldn’t ever count on her. My DC are adults now and have zero relationship with her. To be blunt, she’s not a very nice person.

On the topic of leaving them “orphaned” I did used to worry about that but ultimately childhood is quite short, relatively speaking. You’re only mid 30s and presumably in good health. I don’t see that as a reason to not do it.

Colinfromaccounts · 29/09/2024 10:39

I wouldn’t because I’ve seen the issues that can come from not knowing half of yourself. But that’s just my personal opinion.

Original poster
lounellie · 29/09/2024 10:41

Cas112 · 29/09/2024 10:05

Before I had a child I would say yes

After having a child. Their is no way I would do this alone

I hear this a lot and it really makes me think. I don't have an irresistible maternal instinct, so I think I could be happy also without children.

I think if I was more desperate for children it would be easier to face the hardship that solo motherhood inevitably brings.

Thank you for your thoughts Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
lounellie · 29/09/2024 10:43

For those who asked, I am very close to my parents, sister and nephew but they all live back home and I live a short flight away from them (or a 6 hours train ride). We talk every day and I am sure they would try to support me if I had a baby but of course the distance would be a big factor.

OP posts:
ChocolateLemsip · 29/09/2024 11:05

@lounellie if you think you could be happy without kids I definitely wouldn't . It is so insanely hard without close regular family support (never mind without a partner). But that's just me.

Overthebow · 29/09/2024 11:08

How much is a lot of money? Enough to get a nanny, regular babysitter for time out and cleaner/housekeeper as well as being able to save for DCs future then yes. If not then no.

ChannelLightVessel · 29/09/2024 11:14

You need to think carefully about the ‘what ifs’. I know someone whose daughter did this. At the time, she had a well-paid teaching job in London. Her DD, now 6, has ASD, and she has had to give up her job, move back to her hometown, and her DF is now supporting her financially. I’m sure neither she nor her wider family regret the existence of her DD, but her decision to go it alone has put a significant strain on all of them. Of course couples don’t necessarily cope well with what life throws at them, but it is usually easier for two, rather than one.

Original poster
lounellie · 29/09/2024 11:18

Overthebow · 29/09/2024 11:08

How much is a lot of money? Enough to get a nanny, regular babysitter for time out and cleaner/housekeeper as well as being able to save for DCs future then yes. If not then no.

I'd say enough for full time childcare and babysitters yes. I currently save around 4k a month, so I'd of course save much much less but I think it would be enough to cover a lot of extra expenses. I could also live more frugally than I do now and spend less on frivolous stuff. It would be a very different lifestyle of course.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 29/09/2024 11:21

Yes I would.

I had ds in my 20's in a stable relationship where we were getting married (ds was a surprise beforehand!). Not masses of money but financially manageable.

I was a Lp by the time he was 13 months old due to adultery (him not me!) and very glad we weren't married by then.

I've raised ds alone, he's also disabled and money hasn't been great at times.

I'm not sure prior to this my answer would have been the same. But I've seen through raising ds, and through watching firmed get divorced whilst kids are in teens or being left because pregnant - that love and ability to provide matter much more than so much if the other stuff we use to get sold was necessary in a child's life.

AgileGreenSeal · 29/09/2024 11:24

No. I was a ‘not by choice’ single mum of four whose ages ranged from 11 to 2 (now grown up with their own children) when our household became 1 parent.

Ideally I think children should be raised in a family with a mum and a dad. Obviously life isn’t always ideal, but I wouldn’t actively choose to do anything else.