End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

Respectfully, this sounds a bit ‘little house on the prairie’ like.

You need to instil some independence in your girls - your 11 year old is old enough to put herself to bed, i’m assuming she’s in year 7 now? She also shouldn’t be coming to find you if she can’t sleep, it’s not fair on either of you - you’ve been there and done that for years!

Yes it's early, but frankly I'm far more surprised by the fact you still have settling routines for them at that age! Pretty sure mine were happily just going to bed unassisted from when they were about 9.

Thank you yes I did look this up earlier this evening. I do think the sleep they need is at the upper ends of the scale.
Me too! I like to be in bed by 9:30 / 10:00.

Dd12 goes to bed at 9.30 weekdays gets up at 7, 10/10.30 on weekends and gets up at different times. DS 16 goes into his bed at 10.30 (on the rare occasion he’s socialising in the living room) he doesn’t go to sleep until good knows what time… gets up about 11/12 on days off or weekend.

Doesn't your 11 year old want some privacy in the bath?? Stories for an 11 and 14 year old sounds wild unless there are additional needs

This sounds absolutely shit for your children.
They don't need toddlers bedtimes and overbearing parents.

“I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading…DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45.”

OP you are such a good Mum. 🥺

Can you be my Mum?

No 11 year old goes to bed at 7.30pm..Why don't you want to spend time with your children?

You’d think so wouldn’t you, but not quite yet! Won’t be long, I don’t think, and I do make sure to ensure he’s ok with me coming in. Still quite happy to wander round naked but I think it was about this age his brother suddenly wanted privacy.

Yeah. I am blown away that they have a bedtime routine at that age!

Mine were taking themselves off to bed far younger than that. DD is 13 for a atleast 2 years she has gone upstairs early and gone to sleep when she is ready. Or other times she will stay downstairs with me and I will give her a nudge when I can see she is sleepy. Sometimes she is asleep by half seven if she had PE that day, other times its 10. She always manages to get up just fine.

It’s absolutely not that I don’t want to spend time with them. I think I’ve just become stuck on sleep being the most important thing.

You don’t need to get him on board just tell him it’s insanity and it needs to stop. If he insists he’s being totally unreasonable and I think potentially damaging to your children. Your oldest could be away at university in 4 years. How are you teaching her any independence if she still needs to colour with her mum at bedtime 😵‍💫😵‍💫

But your youngest isn’t sleeping is she, so it’s a total waste of time 😵‍💫

With my 3 we do our chatting about the day over family dinner time. We also chat if they are helping with cooking dinner.

If any of them want to talk about things more eg if they are having friendship issues then we’ll often do that at bedtime, but it’s not a set time to chat every night, I think they would find that a bit intrusive. I let them choose when they want to talk.

Also I would not have time to do 30 mins every night with each of them!

Tbh my 6.5 year old is up by 07:30 most mornings and often not asleep til half 8/9. 2 or 3 days a week she has classes that go on til just gone 7. We read a bedtime story then bath, cuddles and she's allowed to read in bed until she's ready to sleep. Your routine sounds very overbaring for kids who are teens/preteens OP and the bedtime is crazy early. I'd just say that the rule is that they must be in their room with no screens say 8:30 and no coming downstairs/disturbing anyone.

What time do they go to bed when they have friends to stay?

Or when they go to sleepovers?

They are acting like toddlers because the bedtime routine you are using would be for this age group. At 11 and 14 they don't need mum sitting with them and battling for your attention clearly they are not tired if this performance is going on for hours.
Can they try sitting downstairs and reading, colouring or listen to a podcast on headphones then head up at 8.30/9ish? I wouldn't be going into rooms beyond saying goodnight it sounds like they get hyped up starting arguments which is not going to help settling down to sleep

my kids are 12 and 9. I aim to send the 9 year old up at about 7.45 and she has 15 mins to read before bed. Although, it usually ends up being more like 8.15-30. She puts Alexa on a 15 min timer playing relaxing music while she reads. I’m not with her for this. The 12 year old has to have lights out by 9.30 on a school night but it’s more like 10-10.30 weekends. He does not entertain reading (sadly) but he tends to chill in his room watching telly or on his game for about an hour before bed.

I think it’s a good idea to switch up the routine and give them independence to go up to their rooms by themselves, read by themselves and go to bed a bit later than the current bedtime

At 11 mine was knackered from school and went to bed at 7.30pm. At 14 it's 8.30/9pm.
I put music on for him. It worked well for us. You could try an audiobook.

My 2yr old and 4yr old go to bed at 7 and our 6yr old goes to bed at 8....
Why don't you spend 8-9 doing a family activity... board game etc. Then the kids get themselves to bed.

This may be your problem.

You go to bed early as you have identified this as what you need. You have then had the logical thought that as you are the parent your child needs to go much earlier than you. But they are not you and may not need as much sleep as you. You are not allowing them to identify what they need. You say that they are at the higher end of the scale but is that fact or just your take on it?

They need to self regulate and you are not allowing them to learn their own needs and limitations regarding sleep. Yes they might be foul for a few days but it wont last long and they will have learned an important lesson about themselves.

OP your DH really needs to relax. Why is he sending teens and tweens to bed at 7.30?

At 14 you shouldn't really be involved in bedtime other than to tell them go to sleep if they are still up when you go to bed. I like to be in bed at 10.30 and my teens think it's hilarious to tuck me in. How do you think your kids will learn any self-regulation if you are still tucking them in.

I think that families often have some form of downtime together in the evening. So the need for sitting reading together, listening to podcasts, chatting etc. sounds very normal. I don't think that it needs to be part of a bedtime routine and could be a lot more optional. Eg you and dd could read in the lounge and she leaves when she's tired. Or you're available to chat downstairs if they want.

Blimey. When I was 14, I worked 3 nights a week waitressing in a restaurant!

You're either babying them, or just don't want them around. By the sounds of it, your dh in particular can't wait to get them away for the night. Pretty sad. No wonder they don't socialise if they're in bed that early.