End of my rope with bedtime for DDs 11 and 14

[BadBedtimeCrew]

I really value sleep and think it is so important that they go to bed at a decent hour, but somehow bedtime with my 2 daughters now takes longer than it did when they were little. We need a reset and I’m interested to know how it works for other people.

I’ll go up with the 11 year old at about 7:30. We’ll sometimes listen to a podcast while doing some colouring, or we’ll both sit quietly reading. It’s lights out at 8:00. Ideally then I’ll go downstairs for a bit, but she will often appear several times wanting to be put back to bed saying she can’t sleep. For reference, DH thinks lights out at anything past 7:30 is too late, and when I’m not around, DD11 does go to bed without drama at 7:30 although she says that she lies awake for ages.

DD14 is quite good at taking herself up to bed but also likes me to sit with her reading for a while, often about 8:15 to 8:45. She turns her light out when she’s tired, but it’s never past 9:00. It has been as early as 7:30 recently - knackered from start of school year shenanigans. The 11 yo will often disrupt this reading time asking to be put back to bed, and it’s not unusual for me to still be dealing with the 11 yo even after the 14 yo has turned her light out.

The fannying around with DD11 invariably eats into the time with DD14. Worse, they keep playing off against each other about the amount of time i spend with each of them at bedtime even if that time is spent arguing, or consoling an upset, hormonal teenager. Three nights this week it’s descended into arguments. Not great for winding down and drifting off.

i think they just need to put themselves to bed but I suppose I also have a bit of sadness about not spending this time with them, which is daft, as II honestly feel that spending this time with each of them is creating the problem.

So what do you do with your 11 and 14 yo DCs for bedtime?

Do you have the same issues with the younger one on a weekend when you have later bedtime?

Going to bed too early will just result in them not being tired enough for a proper sleep. I think it's wild that you put your 11 year old to bed! The thought of still having to do a bedtime routine in 9 years fills me with dread!

That’s really early. I’d expect 9/10pm at those ages

Could you hold a family meeting and present the problem as one for you all to solve together without blame? Really about the current situation and the issue with it you'd like to solve together. Listen to their ideas and write them down, alongside your own and your DH's. Then together, choose ones you're willing to consider / accept, and cross out those ones anyone absolutely hates.

You all need to be open to hearing each other though - I have a feeling your DH may struggle with this...

Mine didn’t even have bedtimes at that age. We all sort of rolled upstairs together about 9pm-9.30pm. On quite a few nights they had extra curriculars until 9pm anyway and then have dinner and then bed. I’d say in general they were asleep by 10-10.30 but 11pm not unheard of. From secondary school we really didn’t have bedtimes anymore. We’d taught them good habits earlier and they knew to go to sleep when ready. Both get up at 6am for school and often on weekends.

@yipyipyipp We have plenty of those the rest of the time. DS doesn't like bedtime stories - he wants to be reading the book which is much easier early in the evening when he doesn't get frustrated because he's getting tired. I always give him a kiss but he's never wanted a cuddle unless he's sick. Horses for courses isn't it? He'd just tell me to go away if I tried to give him cuddles or bedtime stories.

Echo others you shouldn’t be taking 11 yo upstairs at 7:30!!!!

I went to bed at 8pm a
when 8 yo and 9pm when I was 9yo. And then by 10 as a teenager

Sorry OP. These times are really ridiculous . Lying in bed at 7:30 / 8pm at 11 years old awake for hours, not tired, just lying there thinking of things you'd rather be doing 🙊 There's something about that that feels miserable. I think you might be babying them both and it is detrimental to their development, independence, learning to self regulate etc. I'd suggest you put it to them they go up to their rooms around 9pm to go to bed (or earlier if they want). The younger one will be far happier and more settled, feel grown up with a sense of control over her life! Probably time for a bedtime routine that is more flexible and independent. Good luck.

But it's up to them to learn to self regulate.

Ask them what time they think bedtime should be. Let them have a shot at the weekend. They'll figure it out. Once they've tasted a bit of freedom, they'll probably choose to go up a bit earlier

Lol my dd14 has activities until 9.30pm three times a week! She is up at 7am. What the heck is wrong with you OP, your kids must be embarrassed to be sent to bed so early

This is my plan. I just need to figure out what the new routine is and get DH on board.

7.30! My just 12 year old was just starting his sports training at 7.30 last night. He goes to bed 10-10.30pm, looks tired and readily agrees it is bedtime.

No it doesn't have to be at that time, but equally it's ok to be at that time, is it not?

It usually is in our house, as before bedtime is a whirlwind of homework and dinner and cleaning up and the DC playing together or with friends.

I do agree that an hour each is a lot. We do about 15 minutes.

When he 'has' to look after them (for what, ten minutes?), their father sends them to bed to the extreme of lights out by 7.30pm? So more like 6pm?

He doesn't like them much, does he?

Unless they're needed up to help with milking at 4, he's about 3 hours or 120 years behind the times.

Why would he not be on board ? Your current routine isn’t working.

This sounds like a good approach.

Yeah too early. I mean my dd drives me a bit mad at bedtime but she’s normally in bed around 8.30-9 and 10 at weekends. She’s 11

My toddlers routine is upstairs for bath time 7.30, normally in bed for 8 and asleep by 8.15-30.

Op your 11 year is messing around as they tired, you would feel the same if some put you to bed early. Look up average times per age on number of hours of sleep there’s lots of guidance.

Your 11 year old might need 10 hours sleep so getting up at 7am would be 9pm

Christ OP, my parents were considered strict and my curfew for coming in at the weekends was 11pm when I was 14. I'd sneak out again afterwards to go clubbing 🤣

I know kids these days are much more sheltered, but I think you need to loosen up on the bedtimes for the 14 year old especially.

Doesn't your husband want any time with the girls?

I also have an 11 and a 14 year old and I know a bit about what you mean - both of ours still have “stories” though actually it’s really just 20-30 mins of 1-1 time with each of them at bedtime, sometimes reading but more often just chatting about their day and whatever’s on their minds. It is valuable, I think, but it’s a right pain in the backside of one parent or other is out and the other has to do both stories! The 11 year old goes up about 8/8.30 to the bath, and we often do stories in the bath. He then hangs out in his room reading or playing and then turns his light out about 9.45/10 - normally asleep around 10.30. The 14 year old heads up to the bath about 9/9.30 and then we go and do his story at about 10pm - he also reads or writes or listens to music in his room. He turns his light out at about 11 and is normally asleep by 11.45/12. One habit we are having to get out of is not going to sleep before we are sure he is asleep - going to have to let go of that now I think!

I'm probably on the stricter side and my 14 year old has to turn their light out by 9.30 during the week. They have to be up very early though.

But I think you need to include your children in agreeing the new routine, not just force it on them.

In 4 years time your eldest will be an adult …. By 14 she needs to be regulating her own sleep.

I don't think it's your responsibility to figure out a new routine. You really don't need a routine at those ages (unless there are additional needs of course like with my daughter). It's often much better not to have a set routine with young adults so they can learn how to take care of themselves. They could be out in the world in a few years (the older one of course!) and she needs to know how to work out for herself if she's tired or hungry or whatever.

I don't understand why you're putting the 11 year old to bed. My dd10 just goes off to bed when I tell her to, I rarely go up to her room. If she comes down I tell her to go away lol (obv not if there's something wrong) dd10 is in bed between 8 and 8.30. My 15 year old I just trust to yo to sleep when she's tired, which she is mostly anyway!

I don't spend time with my teens after around 7. They just go to their rooms and do stuff, sometime reading.

I think the issue may be giving your 11 year old way too much attention!