18 year old wants to take a year off to do.... nothing

[losenotloose]

This is what ds1 wants to do. How would you feel about it? Me and dh have told him he needs to be in education or working, a year off to hang out in his room smoking weed is not ok. He thinks we are being unreasonable and should leave him to it. He makes a small amount of money selling stuff on eBay.

That's just not true.

we will have to disagree then

Often people who use weed heavily are self-medicating. He needs to find purpose in his life, something to be a success at. It doesn't really matter what it is, volunteering at an animal shelter, homeless charity, something that serves something other than himself.

@losenotloose

I can feel your stress and annoyance in your posts and I totally don't blame you.

My eldest is nearly 30 now but it remember vividly him at that age sitting on a sun lounger in the garden one July and telling me he's decided he isn't going back to college for a second year of a course and is planning a year out.

My firm response was simply to let me know what date BEFORE September that he would be vacating the house ready to be an adult and feed and look after himself as I wouldn't be financially paying for him to have a year out.

Either finish the course or get a full
Time job. No arguing or discussing it.

I told him this was going to be the swift kick up the ass that he needed to stop monging around and sort his shit out.

There was never any discussion about it at all

I hate weed. It ruined my marriage. Yet when I was a student I did try it a fair amount of times.

But, if I was in your position I'd stop him smoking in the house. It's gross.

If he's struggling to find his path then some time out of education is understandable. Or never go back to education.
Probably needs just a part time job?

My ethos is they need to be either learning or earning.

I know I grew up in a very different era (70s) but my parents response to this would have been "Wouldn't we all" 😆

And what happens when he can't pay his way? Throwing him out is not a solution. Well, I mean technically it is...but only one a fool would consider.

Do you really think that a young person addicted to weed is going to give d se the housing and a job? No that's not going to happen. That will just aliens him from his family and push him further in to drug culture.

@losenotloose I've not got any answers, but I have had a teen with severe depression and anxiety who struggled to leave the house/socialise so I can understand to some extent your concerns. You have to be there and support them (and the hardest bit try to understand why they feel/act as they do). You don't have to agree with their actions, but understanding what is behind it does help.

I don't know if you've already tried your access drug misuser services help for young people, if not, if you access the Frank website you can search for help in your area. The hardest part is getting the young person to engage and want to stop, your GP might be able to help or signpost you to services who will help you come up with strategies for managing and starting to change/challenge his behaviour in a positive way.

I hope you find a way through this that works well for all of you

Selling your own possessions and keeping the money is fine and anyone can do that.

But if he is buying items specifically to sell on at a profit, that is trading and he needs to register as self-employed, and do tax returns if he makes more than £1,000 a year. He wouldn't need to pay any tax on low earnings, but it is definitely self-employment all the same, and he could get fined if he doesn't register.

How can he afford to buy weed to smoke daily with no income for a year? Oh, yeah 'selling stuff on eBay'. He must think you're daft to agree to this.

He could at least pretend he's going to look at volunteering or at least he should work part time. Even if it's delivering stuff on a push bike.

So yeah, of course it sounds like an awful plan and should be thoroughly discouraged.

Inactivity is a dangerous 1 way street.

Then I don't see how you are going to stop his plans for the next year (rest of life unless he leaves long enough to get someone pregnant and move into hers to mooch of her)

Your child is a drug addict by your own admission but you think now he's 18 he'll just go out and get a job and change miraculously because you want him to.

You must feel rotten that he’s not making the most of himself.
Maybe stop pushing against him so much?
“If you want to smoke weed. It has to be in the garden not stinking up our house”
”if you want a year out, then find a way to make rent and cover your personal costs” (look up local house share costs & charge him that in rent)
List a few household chores he’ll also need to do as houseshares don’t come with a maid.
If he doesn’t agree to these terms, then he’s an adult & is welcome to move out and make his own house rules
Then remind him that if in the future he changes his mind and wants to go back to education, you’ll support him to do that.

Hopefully this is a temporary set back.

A little surprised your asking this now. He would have finished doing A levels in June and we are now in mid-Sepember. Surely this should have been discussed months ago. I'd start by giving him a list of jobs/chores to do each week.
Did he fail his A levels/not get grades for Uni?

He certainly has the attitude of a weed smoker! I think you've got the right attitude, he either works or studies.

If he takes a year of, you will be writing this exact same post in a year but worse because then he will be depressed and probably agoraphobic on top. And mh services in this country are shocking so don't expect much from them when things get worse which they will if he doesn't start turning this round. He's at a crossroads clearly he has zero self esteem or confidence a job would give him both of these even if it's just part time.

My answer would be no and I'd start charging him rent. Like hell would I be accept or subsidise an adult to doss at home smoking weed.

The problem you have is he will probably sign upto a course and just not go.

Weed is the reason why he's so unmotivated to do anything. That's all he can think about.

I do absolutely understand the reasons why alot if replies on here are saying 'no way' either get a job or stay in education. BUT, if he's 18 then he's just spent 14 years in full time education, probably loafs of home work, possibly school clubs etc. Maybe he is just tired and needs a break. School is intense and life is hard. Kids are struggling with mental health because of the pressure of it all. Maybe more of them should have a small break between the intensity of growing up and the absolute monotony of adult hood. He will probably never get another chance to just chill, waste a year etc. By the time my 2 ds have finished 14 years of school, if one or both say to me 'mum, I'm tired. I need a break before becoming a full time working adult for the next 50 years' then thats cool with me.

If he wants a break then travel, volunteer or something, anything. Sitting in your bedroom for a year smoking weed, isolating himseld frrom the world isn't having a break it's how people end up with serious mental illness

He will need to fund this "doing nothing" - rent paid to you, and money for food and bills.

If he really is addicted to weed then he needs help. What a worry for you.

Lots of people smoke weird and have kids and careers. He still needs to crack on with being an adult so time to move out and get a job.

A couple of suggestions re the drugs - follow up on the local drug service if they don't phone you back, they have seen it all before and are very experienced in dealing with teenagers & also try speaking to https://addictionfamilysupport.org.uk/#support

they are excellent and very supportive for a parent in your situation.

Good luck. The last few years seem to have been hard for young people but your DS is lucky to have a parent who cares about him.

Oh come on. It's school. It's not being sent down the mines. It's not some kind of relentless merciless slog. Nobody needs a year to do fuck all. Two weeks, maybe, if they're genuinely run down. A year of doing nothing doesn't make anybody feel good. It makes them isolated and directionless and lacking in motivation to do anything.

If my child wants to live at home she has to be in education or work. If she is in work, she pays rent or saves the equivalent amount.

if she is ill, active participation in treatment could count towards some of those hours.

if she has mental health issues I have and will in the future pay for her to access mental health support.

what I will never accept is languishing.