18 year old wants to take a year off to do.... nothing

[losenotloose]

This is what ds1 wants to do. How would you feel about it? Me and dh have told him he needs to be in education or working, a year off to hang out in his room smoking weed is not ok. He thinks we are being unreasonable and should leave him to it. He makes a small amount of money selling stuff on eBay.

That's his choice. Let him do whatever he likes......as long as he is paying his rent, food etc.

At least £500 per month.

The weed is the problem, not you OP. Don't internalise the guilt and support him to get help for his addiction. I wouldn't kick him out as he will very likely spiral. This reads to me like a real fork in the road - he needs to get clean and get a job, not the opposite.

Total sympathy to you and no blame - can you call a drug support line? I think there was one called Dave.

Most people here are (rightly) focusing on the weed, but even without that, I'd still think it was a terrible idea. Through my work I meet young and youngish people, mostly men, who never quite got round to launching their adult lives. And one year becomes two and then ten, and their confidence takes a hit because their peers have jobs/homes/families and they're still living with their parents, unemployed, and mum (it's always mum) is still cooking their meals and washing their clothes. I have to meet quite a few of them online, because they no longer leave the house.

What I'm trying to say is that your very best opportunity to address this is now, and that's going to involve some extremely tough love. It's incredibly hard for you, I know, but this year off from real life absolutely must not happen.

Sorry, it was Frank, not Dave

https://www.talktofrank.com/get-help/find-support-near-you

You stop enabling him.

No weed in the house. No nice birthday presents like driving lessons (you'll pay for rehab).

Not in education, then he pays rent and a share of the utilities. He buys his own food.

You change the WiFi password so he can't access the internet to waste away playing online games whilst on weed.

He won't stop/engage with addiction support unless he has no other choice.

Every "kindness" you show keeps him in the grasp of addiction.

If he says he will leave, you have to let him. That will be heartbreaking and very scary.

But the fact is that if nothing changes then neither will he.

He doesn't really want a year off. He's checking out of life/responsibility/adulting completely.

Do you think after 12 months "off" he's going to pull himself together or rather will that year further cement his addiction?

If you allow this, he is never ever going back to work again! Don't allow it. If he gives up work, kick him out. Say he's welcome back when he's ready to start working again and paying rent. You're going to have to be cruel to be kind here. He'll end up a hermit with no cash or future!

What has he been doing up to now? Has he just left school / college?

Is your son fairly shy OP?

Sorry just to add OP it's a bloody horrible situation to be in.

It's also really, really hard to navigate because to help him you're going to have to resist a lot of paternal instincts to support/provide/care for him.

Addiction is really cruel. For the person but perhaps more so for their loved ones.

It doesn't mean you've been a poor parent, addiction doesn't discriminate.

Well he needs to be paying board then doesn't he.

it's horrendous when they fall down the weed abyss.

op what has he done for the post year?

because that rather drives the options available for the next year

every single penny he makes from his little ebaying job needs to be handed over to you

So its strange to think his upbringing has absolutely nothing to do with whats going on? So what you always worked. Its the time you aren't working that counts.

Controversial opinion but this sounds like a typical 18 yo boy to me. My husband took a year off after school - sat around unemployed, smoked weed and played video games. I hated it at the time, I had always worked part-time, didn't smoke, paid my parents keep etc.
After a year he went to uni, got a first class degree and now earns three times what I do.

Anyone talking about rehab for cannabis hasn't a clue what they're talking about

Honestly OP, you have my sympathy. Ignore the blame posts, not everything is down to the parents, children make their own choices.

You need to decide if tough love is needed, or even wanted. You can’t make him stop, but kicking him out won’t help. Speak to a drug helpline or charity, surely there must be something out there.

My family have a history of substance abuse and I’m convinced it’s due to hiding from life, blocking out the anxiety. I’d go supportive first if you can.

I don't know how you force him to get a job or study. He's happy to spend his own money on weed and assuming you will carry on providing him with a home, food and warmth. I'm guessing you don't want to change the locks and make him homeless but perhaps you can make life less comfortable unless he starts to make some kind of contribution? Maybe change the WiFi password, stop doing his laundry or cooking for him?

Yes, but you can make it clear that if he doesn't stop, then he moves out. Give him 3 months notice to see him stop or significantly reduce and if not give him a letter to take to the council to say that you're evicting him. Let him see what the real world is like.

You’re a cock if you think everything is the parents. Let’s hope you never have a problem with your child. Good luck.

If he never leaves the house then stop his smoking in the house. Perhaps it won’t be quite as fun when he has to leave his room and go outside in the coming autumn months.
Id tell him he needs to start paying rent. Nothing massive maybe £50 a week or something. I can’t see his temu thing making enough to support both.

Sorry, I can't respond to every post! I contacted the GP in June and they basically said he's an adult so there's nothing you can do. I contacted a drug charity on Wednesday and was told someone would call me back. They haven't so far. I absolutely don't think taking a year off would help, I want him to start doing things to get him out of this hole. I don't do his washing anymore or anything in his room but still cook his dinner as I'm cooking for the family. he did amazing in his GCSEs but less so in a levels but he did manage to pass them all. Thank you for the supportive messages 🙏, it's very easy to judge if you haven't been through it yourself.

How will he pay you rent if he doesn't have a job?

Because now he's 18 and no longer in education, he needs to pay rent.

Unless he's getting his own place.....??

He's doing it because he likes it. He doesn't want to stop. I doubt he's depressed or that there are underlying reasons for him smoking.

He's testing the boundaries op

My grandson did this and I know other youngsters who also have. My grandson hated his last few years at school (some of it during lockdown) and he explained that he needed a break. He stuck at it though and finished school with good A level results.
He did some shifts in a bar during his gap year.
He is 20 now and recently started a modern apprenticeship in electrical design.
I truly believe he needed that time to think about what he really wanted to do and get his head straight.
I wish your son good luck in his future.

I'm starting to agree with this. I did worry he's depressed etc but I just think he likes doing nothing and being high. I think he will be depressed if he carries on as he'll realise he has no life and has been left behind. He does have friends but only goes out about once a week. Not sure of his future plans as we've told him there's no way he's dossing for a year!