18 year old wants to take a year off to do.... nothing

[losenotloose]

This is what ds1 wants to do. How would you feel about it? Me and dh have told him he needs to be in education or working, a year off to hang out in his room smoking weed is not ok. He thinks we are being unreasonable and should leave him to it. He makes a small amount of money selling stuff on eBay.

tell him to move out.
give him a month's notice, then change the locks.

What are his options OP? Does he have A-levels or equivalent? Is he academic or does he struggle academically? Is he interested in uni? It sounds like he's a bit lost tbh.

Personally I would stop focussing on the weed as if you could have an impact on him smoking then you already would have by now. What he needs is a plan to get him going somewhere. A year doing completely nothing isn't acceptable unless he has a deferred place for uni all set up for next year, then I might be quite so concerned. If he doesn't then he needs to start thinking about what he wants to do as the longer you're unemployed the more difficult it's going to be to get a job.

If you haven't already tried it then i'd stop fighting him on anything, and start talking to him about some ideas for the future. I would start looking around all over the place at college courses, uni courses, online courses, Princes Trust, anything that might catch his interest.

He can have a working holiday abroad in Canada - tons of jobs available - construction, call centres, bar work etc etc

And

Weed is legal!!!

If he sees it as legal, it might not be as appealing?

I'd be charging rent if not in full time education

Totally with you on this op! Keep strong!

I think you have to try and convince him that he won't feel any better, mentally or physically, or more ready to face the realities of life, after a year effectively resting in the comforts of home, not extending himself in any way, or learning new skills or disciplines, and basically indulging in an "extended adolescence" courtesy of the bank of mum and dad.

I would insist he works PT and combines that with studying or volunteering and/or a physical activity.

And of course it's zero tolerance on any weed in the home or outside it.

It's tough op and you won't be popular but push the "I love you too much to let you waste all of your skills and considerable talents like this" narrative.

I would take a day off work, or two afternoons, and totally devote them entirely to him. Take him out to lunch. Visit libraries and employment centres and volunteer hubs. Get a sense of what he wants to do and be! Reach out to friends and contacts to ask if he can tag along at their place of work for a day or so. Even take him away for a weekend and give him a taste of adult freedoms and visit somewhere he wants to go or has shown an interest in.

Good luck.

He's actually very clever, really good GCSEs, just scraped a levels as he didn't make an effort. Doesn't want to go to uni which I fully support, I think he needs a break from education. He doesn't want to work! Wants to find a way to make money some other way, hence the eBay selling. But it's obviously unsustainable and unrealistic.

Ha! That made me smile.

Your post would be hard to read for anyone with a child with addiction.
Addiction is not caused by parents, some wonderful fabulous engaged parents have children with addiction issues.
Why not give OP the benefit of the doubt and assume they have raised their son well - and then if you have anything helpful to add, you could then add it.

Don't worry op. He's just lost his way temporarily. Many young lads do. He's obviously bright. Encourage the entrepreneurship!

Does he want a free year to expand the business?

Sometimes boys do get weary of academic pursuits at his age and need a break! Is there anyway locally that does a PT business studies module or a course for young entrepreneurs?

wrong thread

Anyone talking about rehab for cannabis hasn't a clue what they're talking about

What does this mean? Plenty of people go to rehab for cannabis addiction.

I would pay and send him to rehabilitation.
If he wouldn't go I would let him go work it out himself. A year more on weed doing nothing won't benefit him.

Nope. Slippery slope to the rest of his life being that way. He needs structure, routine, healthier habits. Tell him he needs to get a job, pay you rent and board or he needs to move out. Tough love is needed and a long chat. Cannabis ruins lives.

I think you're wise to sense this wouldn't be good for him.

If he isn't working or going to school, I'd sit him down and tell him he'll need to move out. You and dad will help him sign on for jobseekers and pay the first month's rent on a room share somewhere.

If/when he wants to start some sort of course or apprenticeship, he's welcome to move back home. But otherwise, you aren't willing to financially support an adult doing nothing.

Hard no. Anybody who is not studying full time or working full time and who doesn't obey the basic rules of the house, like say no drugs, moves out and funds themselves.

All that weed must stink up the house. Could go on a daily (or even twice daily) weed-raid and keep purging it from the house? At some point he'll run out of money and will have to do something else.

Stop the weed now. You and husband has allowed unreasanable behaviours to be allowed at your home and soon you won’t have a usless 18 year old, you’ll have a useless 35 year old parasite.

No chance! During my gap year I was planning on a part-time job and some fun, but my parents sat me down and said it was a full-time job or back to education.
I felt they were being unfair at the time, but looking back, I realise they weren’t.

Why not, if he can afford it?

It sounds like it's something you'd like to do yourself.

I don't have an opinion on it either way but I'm curious as to why you think he shouldn't do it, if "we'd all like to".

All I can say is that one year will turn in to two etc etc. I’m the only one in my family working my siblings don’t my mum can’t… I’ve worked since I was 16.

Absolutely not, he either works or is in education, or moves out

Also I would stop all packages coming to the house for him.

I know you said you have talked about his weed smoking? But have you also had the addiction talk?
My ex ended up homeless, unemployed and estranged from his family because he would/could not stop.

What about contacting the GP about this? Or adult social services? I am just spitballing here, but I hope there is some kind of intervention possible for your son, because his situation is concerning.

I think the most important part is that you do not enable his addiction if you can at all help it.

Ok, so he generates enough income to pay for his drugs. Is it enough to pay you rent? I would not be letting him smoke weed in the house. People don't appear to be prosecuted for it, but it is illegal.

Good at GCSEs but fell flat at A Levels - have you ever seen the typical profile of a clever student with the inattentive type ADHD? There would be other signs but the lack of motivation or follow through on any kind of plan, over-reliance on quick sources of dopamine like the eBay selling, video games and drugs, they all fit into the profile as well.

Of course that won't help if he's happy with how he is and doesn't want to change. But if he gets frustrated with himself then you may wish to look into it.

Interesting. I'm not the OP but I have personal experience of this and it matches up.