18 year old wants to take a year off to do.... nothing

[losenotloose]

This is what ds1 wants to do. How would you feel about it? Me and dh have told him he needs to be in education or working, a year off to hang out in his room smoking weed is not ok. He thinks we are being unreasonable and should leave him to it. He makes a small amount of money selling stuff on eBay.

He is 18 yo. He can find a place of his own.

your first, second and third concern needs to be your son’s drug addiction

Is there someone else apart from you who he would listen to more? A male role model perhaps? It’s just takes a couple if sentences to resonate and change his perspective

fgs

he is a teen boy with a drug addiction

what has he been doing for the past year?

I hear you. I don't mean to sound holier than thou. He will say "Everyone else is allowed to take weed". So I wanted to reassure you that we are not all allowing it.

Continuing with weed would be non negotiable for me - 100% not acceptable if he wants to live at home.
What are his long term plans - what qualifications does he have/plan on getting?
Doing nothing constructive - a no

Weed is one of the worst drugs to kill motivation and you’re not doing him any favours for letting him smoke it under your roof.

You cannot allow this to happen. If he wants to move out and have that lifestyle at 18 he can crack on.

I worry every day. I hate weed. I want him to stop. It's basically the cause of so many problems. It is my first, second and third concern. Doesn't mean I can make him stop. I've tried. I've stopped all money, flushed weed down the toilet. I want him to get a job so he's got something else to focus on

Does he have a plan for after the year?

My son said he wanted a year between school and higher education, which was agreed, so he deferred his place. But I said he had to do SOMETHING, whether travel or job, so that when he went for a career type job / uni he had something reasonable to say as to what he had done in that time.

6 months of gaming later, I got after him a bit and said if he didn't get a paid job, he would have to do some volunteering. He got a paid job. It's done him the world of good and he has saved a load of money for when he starts later this month.

So if he has a plan for what is happening after the year, then taking a year out isn't so bad - although to my knowledge my son doesn't smoke, I would struggle to allow him spending a year getting stoned.

What help is he getting for his drug addiction?

he needs professional support

and that will cost you

Christ no.
How have you brought him up to even think thats acceptable?

If he wants help I would support him all the way.

A year off smoking weed? Not in my house.

He can do whatever he wants if he supports himself, but not under your roof. Somehow I doubt that he can afford a year off with rent, utilities, food, travel etc.................

Well he doesn't want to stop. You can't force someone to stop if they don't want to. We've talked, shouted, argued. We discuss it all the bloody time

He needs to address the reason that smoking weed is so appealing to him. If someone was drinking every day in their room on their own it would be problematic.
This is just the same, but I suspect that there is a reason that he is seeking out the escapism. Is he anxious? Unhappy? Was he doing A levels last year? How did they go? Does he have any friends at all? What does he say he will do after his year out?

Tell him he will need to start contributing to household costs, so will need to work.

That should wake him up. 🙄

What are his friends like? Anyone else he might listen to, a counsellor, an older sibling, a teacher, someone?

I wouldn't throw him out though.

so… you’d just kick him out?

No way! My son is on his 2nd year of A levels with a part time job. He doesn't want to go to uni (that's fine) & is talking about apprenticeships (great) but told me today he 'might take a year off' my reply? Absolutely fine but you will be working full time & paying £50 rent per week. This is not negotiable. His dad & I work extremely hard & I believe we've set a good example but there is/seems to be a bit of a lack of responsibility with some young people. I'm sure the weed smoking makes the idleness worse. Sending a big hug & I'm sure with support & firm boundaries your boy will snap out of this xx

op i see from your other thread you bought him a dozen driving lessons for his birthday and he whinged at you that crap presents

a) he should not be behind the wheel
b) why on earth are you giving him this opportunity when he’s giving you nothing in return?

I find responses like this really strange. What can I say to that? I have no idea where he got this idea from. Me and dh have always worked.

@losenotloose I really feel for you, what a difficult position to be in. I'm sure you're really worried about him and desperate to help him get on with his life.
I know very little about addiction but I do know it's not your fault and you can't cure it, it has to be him. I think if it were me (and who knows some day it might be an issue with my ds) I'd probably contact a professional, perhaps a charity or counsellor who deals with addiction and the fallout from it. Maybe someone who can help and support you with finding out the best way for you to get through this.
I think it's a really hard situation and I really hope your DS and you get through it.

Sometimes kids can go off the rails despite having great parents and role models.
I think you need to contact a professional. No idea how much that costs.