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Original poster

Mother in law. Wrong?

136 replies

melodyxc · 10/09/2024 13:47

I've been with my partner for 3 years now, he had a long term gf before me which my mother in law seemed to adore and that’s fine.. she’s a grown woman.

but yday she posted a happy birthday post of the said ex on her Facebook.. I just found it strange that since the whole time I’ve been with her son she’s never done it before so why suddenly now?

we have two children together and she’s posted my son once (he’s 5 months old) I didn’t want to think much of it but as we all know postpartum your mind can think some odd thoughts…

does anyone find this odd?
my partner rang his mum straight away saying he wasn’t happy about it and how that’s not ok for me to see
but I think to myself why all of a sudden is she back in the picture?

OP posts:
Ddoglover · 10/09/2024 17:40

I agree with you OP, it's weird. It doesn't sound like you'd have been bothered if she'd messaged the ex directly, or put a happy birthday post on the ex's page. But why would she make a post about her son's ex-girlfriend's birthday?! Unless she does the same for all of her Facebook friends, and what you've said in your follow up messages, it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Moonshine5 · 10/09/2024 17:45

OP @melodyxc
She's not your MIL if you're not married, she's your partner's mum and your children's grandma.

Original poster
melodyxc · 10/09/2024 17:46

Moonshine5 · 10/09/2024 17:45

OP @melodyxc
She's not your MIL if you're not married, she's your partner's mum and your children's grandma.

Easier to type

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 10/09/2024 17:48

But it's not an accurate representation of your relationship. And you don't sound like your friends.

CookieMonster28 · 10/09/2024 17:56

God some of you commenting should be embarrassed!! Why the need to be unnecessarily bitchy to a 25 year old woman? Calling her immature etc. I'd rather be immature than a bitch!

I'll say it again OP - your feelings are valid, I'd be the same and good for your man for having your back!

permanently · 10/09/2024 18:00

OP my MIL wanted my ex husband to marry his ex fiancé and therefore never took to me. It was very hurtful. All because I hadn't gone to private school! Husband never stood up for me. I'm more educated than the lot of them. I'm glad your husband is giving your feelings a voice. Though don't sweat the small stuff. Listen to that song xx

Jeezitneverends · 10/09/2024 18:02

melodyxc · 10/09/2024 13:51

It wasn’t a happy birthday on said ex’s wall post.. it was a dedicated happy birthday post on her own Facebook

Show quote history

So what? Stop creating drama where there’s none

ABirdsEyeView · 10/09/2024 18:36

I think for me it might depend on why they split, as to whether it's reasonable behaviour. If her son was at fault/behaved badly, then maybe this is her way of letting his ex know that she didn't condone his behaviour/ still thinks well of her. This wouldn't be any reflection on you as a person at all imo.

OTOH, if ex dumped your partner, then it would be disloyal to her son, to actively promote contact with his ex.

I fully understand in-laws keeping in contact with exes when there are children involved or when it was a long marriage and it's their relative who behaved badly. But in the normal course of things, assuming no one has done anything terrible and it's just a relationship that didn't work out, in-laws should imo follow the lead of their son/daughter and (kindly) leave the ex in the past, if their son/daughter has moved in and is no longer friends themselves with the ex.

I can see why you are hurt and why your partner considers this up he disloyal to him and unhelpful to you.

Lampzade · 10/09/2024 18:44

I think it is a bit strange tbh. She should have sent her a birthday card in the post
Op, have you had issues with her lately?

Imperrysmum · 10/09/2024 18:48

Id go NC for this 😂 bye bye!

SwiftiesVSLestat · 10/09/2024 18:51

So you didn’t tell your dp you were upset. So did you correct him when he used your feelings (that he made up) to berate his mother for no reason.

You aren’t feeling insecure.

It doesn’t bother you that his mum is still friends with her.

I am failing to see what possible problem you could have with your Mil.

Imperrysmum · 10/09/2024 18:55

nextdoornightmares · 10/09/2024 16:12

Don't really see the need for her to post that tbh. Seems very odd especially if it's not something she would normally do and especially not if she doesn't do it when it's your birthday. Sounds like she needs to let go of the past and you shouldn't concern yourself with her obsession with your partner's ex. For his 30th birthday, my partner's mum presented him with a huge frame of a collage of photos of "everyone who was important in his life". We had been together about 6 months and it was clearly a serious relationship. There must have been about 50 photos and I didn't feature in a single one. Even the dead family dogs were there 🤣 Oh and we had 3 children in 3 and a half years but on mumsnet a relationship isn't considered serious unless you've been together about 5 years 😂

Edited

Omg that sounds bloody boiling 😂 has she improved?

petproject · 10/09/2024 18:59

I'm with you OP, it's definitely rude and unnecessary - It could have been done in a private chat

Original poster
melodyxc · 10/09/2024 19:04

SwiftiesVSLestat · 10/09/2024 18:51

So you didn’t tell your dp you were upset. So did you correct him when he used your feelings (that he made up) to berate his mother for no reason.

You aren’t feeling insecure.

It doesn’t bother you that his mum is still friends with her.

I am failing to see what possible problem you could have with your Mil.

My partner seen it as disrespectful to me and weird so he spoke about this to his mother.
thats out of my hands if that’s how he felt about the situation.

no problem as such but I’ve always felt distance from his mum towards me and also the fact that our first child looks exactly like my partner and she loves her so much always posts her on her fb but my son looks exactly like me and nothing like his dad and she has no interest in him.

so it just had me thinking that’s all

OP posts:
SwiftiesVSLestat · 10/09/2024 19:38

melodyxc · 10/09/2024 19:04

My partner seen it as disrespectful to me and weird so he spoke about this to his mother.
thats out of my hands if that’s how he felt about the situation.

no problem as such but I’ve always felt distance from his mum towards me and also the fact that our first child looks exactly like my partner and she loves her so much always posts her on her fb but my son looks exactly like me and nothing like his dad and she has no interest in him.

so it just had me thinking that’s all

Show quote history

Ok, but you said that he told his mum it wasn’t ok for you to see that. He doesn’t decide what is or isn’t ok for his mum to posts or what is ok for you to see.

Either you were bothered, or your dp decided you wouldn’t be happy about it and used that to tell his mum off. Even though he didn’t have a clue about how you feel about it.

I can’t answer about the rest. Maybe she is showing favouritism over your children. Maybe she doesn’t want to get close to another of her son’s partners in case you split up. Maybe you just don’t gel with her. Maybe a mix of it all.

But her posting happy birthday about the ex isn’t really connected to whether she favours one of your children over the other. If she does that’s probably the issue to come concentrate on. Not her posts about someone’s birthday. The ex really doesn’t matter. Don’t get it anymore head space.

Lets be honest, if she posted about the ex to have some sort of dig at you or make a point, your Dp played right into her hands.

nextdoornightmares · 11/09/2024 12:13

Imperrysmum · 10/09/2024 18:55

Omg that sounds bloody boiling 😂 has she improved?

Show quote history

For the most part. I think she realised I was there to stay after I got pregnant. Although one of the first comments she made was to ask was it his and then to say "oh it just goes from bad to worse" when told it was actually twins 😂 She's not been too bad since then really to be fair.

hideawayforever · 11/09/2024 12:25

so strange of her to do that, it's like she's out to cause trouble, why didn't she just send her a private message saying happy birthday if she wanted to, not make a big show putting it on her own Facebook.... definitely trying to cause trouble there.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/09/2024 20:59

melodyxc · 10/09/2024 19:04

My partner seen it as disrespectful to me and weird so he spoke about this to his mother.
thats out of my hands if that’s how he felt about the situation.

no problem as such but I’ve always felt distance from his mum towards me and also the fact that our first child looks exactly like my partner and she loves her so much always posts her on her fb but my son looks exactly like me and nothing like his dad and she has no interest in him.

so it just had me thinking that’s all

Show quote history

Op the less interest in the second child is quite common tbh even my own parent is less involved with our 2nd. First grandchild there is all the fanfare and more time spent with them and more bonding the second one doesn't seem to get a look in! (Although he is still totally loved by both sets of grandparents)

HobbyHorse30 · 14/09/2024 08:19

Given your furious replies to other posters OP, it’s clear you’re not open to being told you’re overreacting. It comes off as pretty immature (“if my man wants to defend me…” was a particular highlight), and aggressive. Also, I’m not sure why your partner told his mum that it’s not okay to post that for you to see. That’s odd behaviour given that you’ve gone to great lengths to explain that it’s fine for him mum to like who she likes as a grown woman. Are you made of glass and your fragile little person is going to shatter if you’re so much as reminded that your partner had a life before you? He’s overreacted massively.

Alwaysinamood · 14/09/2024 08:27

I’ll be honest as I have a friend in a similar situation. The mother prefers and likes the ex and wishes she was still with her son . Thats the long and short of it 🙈

RosesAndHellebores · 14/09/2024 08:36

@melodyxc shortly before ds's engagement was announced, his gf's mother sent me a Facebook request. I did not accept it. I did ask gf to let her know that my Facebook friends are a very small group of people with whom I share a common interest and that I didn't really "do" Facebook.

I am not friends on Facebook with either of my dc - there are boundaries. I also don't think I'd want photographs of young children (mine or others') put on Facebook for all to search and see.

My DC who both teach are very mindful about social media. I think everyone should be.

pictoosh · 14/09/2024 08:48

Actually think your description of how she is with your kids, favouring one over the other, reveals a lot more about her than the birthday post.

The birthday post has hit hard because of the distant feeling and the favouritism. That isn't immediately obvious in the opening post. That's why some think you're being dramatic.

There are a few bitchy nasty posts on here. Questioning your relationship timeline, heaping scorn...you didn't ask for anyone's opinion on that. Try to ignore those posts. Their issue, not yours.

Lemonadeand · 14/09/2024 09:00

That would annoy me too. But your partner has had a word with her about it and clearly agrees with you so I don’t see what else can be done really.

Noseybookworm · 14/09/2024 10:11

How bizarre that you and your partner think you have the right to police his mother's Facebook posts! She can wish whoever she likes a Happy Birthday 🙄 sounds like you both need to grow up!

Hughs · 14/09/2024 11:29

I get it OP. This reminds me of my MiL who when I went round for dinner to meet her for the first time, seated me opposite a photo of now DH's first wedding. It was a bit awkward and I thought she would be embarrassed when she realised - my parents would have moved that photo so as not to make a guest in their home feel uncomfortable.

Turned out she had moved it - into that position, it usually lived in another room entirely. So she had deliberately seated me opposite his first wedding photo 🤦‍♀️

I didn't go there again for several years.