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Original poster

Son off to uni next wee, not getting himself sorted

116 replies

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:35

Ds is 20. His uni is 250 miles away. He has had bad mh and basically done nothing for the last two years since finishing college. Signed off work on UC, three younger siblings all of whom have sen for a bit of background.

As he has been planning uni for a long time he has been in no rush or under pressure as he had his amazing grades already in the bag.

But.... he is going next week. We have bern to ikea to buy his kit for his room and kitchen. It's all over the living room floor. Unpacked. Dh threw half of it in a packing box so we could move about. About half of his wardrobe is dirty and laying on the bathroom floor ( this is very unlike him, but we went on holiday without him and he went full feral and never picked them up). I haven't seen him do any washing for a week. He must have more dirty than clean clothes. This isn't new for him. Normally he washes and his kit and help out half the time. No clothes packed.

No mention of how is going to get by financially but he will get a full loan. He wants a parental contribution but no conversation about that yet.

I have had a gental word, dh has been a bit more direct.

I'm torn between letting him figure it out, taking his dirty washing with him and him packing just before he leaves.

Part of me wants to.pack the bloody ikea stuff for him and do his washing.

But he isn't 18. He is grown adult man.

If I don't wash it by say Wednesday it won't to dry to take to uni. Darenth post in AIBU as It will go off topic.

He is a lazy git. Do I do a few hours slog to help him have a smoother time or do I leave him to it, as I normally do. Is this the wrong week to pick this battle?

OP posts:
teenmaw · 06/09/2024 16:38

Of leave him to it, as you say he's a capable adult and needs to understand the buck stops with him. I just say, when you're ready to get organised give me a shout
Of you need help.

Devilsmommy · 06/09/2024 16:39

I'd be making him do it with me chivvying him along. Does he not realise how soon it's going to be and how long it's all going to take? Sounds like he needs sitting down and talking to, to make sure he understands you're not going to do it all for him but you will help where you can

MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay · 06/09/2024 16:39

Depends, do you think it's down to his mental health or is he just being lazy? Going to university is going to be a bit of a shock to him if he's been at home doing nothing for 2 years. Is he going to be able to cope there alone? Is he overwhelmed?

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/09/2024 16:40

Does he actually want to go?

EngineEngineNumber9 · 06/09/2024 16:41

“Bad mental health” could cover a range of issues. Is he depressed? Is he getting help?

Edited to add I was like this despite getting straight As and heading to law at a good university. By year 2 I was struggling massively, became suicidal and dropped out. Later diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD.

FionnulaTheCooler · 06/09/2024 16:41

He takes the dirty washing with him and learns the hard way if he doesn't do it he won't have clean clothes. It's a rite of passage.

Ted27 · 06/09/2024 16:42

Honestly ?
Wrong time to pick a battle.
You say he's had mental health issues- maybe he isn't a lazy got, maybe he is feeling overwhelmed, or worried about going, how he will cope.
My son is going off for his second year next week. He has done a lot himself but he seems to have run out of steam. He has ASD.
Maybe a conversation about how he's feeling, if he wants some help rather than just nagging

Rainbows89 · 06/09/2024 16:42

It sounds like executive dysfunction due to his mental health probably.

his mental health must have been quite significant for him to be signed off for 2 years?

calling him a lazy git won’t help

I would give him a hand and at least get him started

Flossyts · 06/09/2024 16:43

Sounds like a life lesson has landed on his lap. Leave him to it 😂

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:46

MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay · 06/09/2024 16:39

Depends, do you think it's down to his mental health or is he just being lazy? Going to university is going to be a bit of a shock to him if he's been at home doing nothing for 2 years. Is he going to be able to cope there alone? Is he overwhelmed?

He is fairly chipper right now. He is on so much steraline but has slightly lowered his dose. I don't this is his MH, I think he is dillusional about how long it's going to take. There's no chance to just pop back to get things.

He has spent time really picking the uni, the course. But yes he is in for a major shock. He is looking forward to a future he hasn't seen a point to life until this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2024 16:46

A very frank conversation is in order, and I'd be telling him it's his responsibility to get his things together.

Fushia123 · 06/09/2024 16:48

Sounds as though he needs a bit of help. He will be gone soon and there is no need to make the last week more stressful than it need be. That’s the advice I gave myself anyway.
Make a time to sit down together and make a list/lists.
My DH did all of our DD washing and ironing and left them hung up on hangers ready to be packed. One less thing for the household to feel intense about and it worked. Not what we normally do but it helped.
Put things you think he may need on a table for him to chose what he wants to take.
Its a stressful time for young people and helping like this isn’t pandering to their every need - just caring when they don’t realise they need it.

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:49

Flossyts · 06/09/2024 16:43

Sounds like a life lesson has landed on his lap. Leave him to it 😂

This is my overwhelming feeling too. I can see myself packing his entire dirty wardrobe for him to wash at uni. He is always saying "it's not a big deal mum" no big deal ds, just wash it when ever, no rush my love 🤣 or survive with no pants, who cares about that level of detail

OP posts:
aramox1 · 06/09/2024 16:52

Has he hooked up with new coursemates on social media etc yet? That might help. I'd probably tell him to bring the laundry down and do it now, for starters (since you need the machine too!) and make him pack the stuff up a bit (so you can plan how to pack the car!). Hope he gets on ok.

Original poster
DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:53

Part of me thinks he will be gone in 7 days. Just get him out the door happy. I was also thinking about folding his floordrobe and just washing what looks obvs dirty. Part of me thinks how will he cope at uni?

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 06/09/2024 16:54

I would leave him to sort it.

Peridot1 · 06/09/2024 16:54

I think I’d help. In fact I know I would as I do far too much for DS!

But I tend to chip away at it. So I’d say ‘right to get your washing done and dry we need to do it today so go and get it and we can start’. Then I’d gently chivvy about getting stuff packed another day.

I think sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming and I know I find it easier to break tasks down and get them done bit by bit. But often I don’t and I procrastinate and it ends up a massive big task and completely overwhelming.

AdoraBell · 06/09/2024 16:55

As he says it’s not a big deal he will be able to deal with it,

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 17:00

I had to deal with almost all practical and administrative matters without parental help from at least age 12. So my perspective would be:

Do sit him down and talk about the finances. What’s his loan, what are his costs, and what if anything will you be able to contribute. Don’t let him go off without discussing this, or it will all go wrong quickly.

Do help him work out how he is going to get registered with a new GP and make sure he doesn’t run out of his medication.

Don’t wash his clothes or pack his bags. If he has to go with a black bag full of washing so be it, it won’t do him any harm. Are you dropping him off? Stick the Ikea stuff in the boot and let him sort it at the other end.

You said he had good grades so I assume you’re not worried about him going to classes and doing his assignments? Albeit that it doesn’t sound like he’d cope with any part-time work on top.

Flossyts · 06/09/2024 17:01

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 06/09/2024 17:00

I had to deal with almost all practical and administrative matters without parental help from at least age 12. So my perspective would be:

Do sit him down and talk about the finances. What’s his loan, what are his costs, and what if anything will you be able to contribute. Don’t let him go off without discussing this, or it will all go wrong quickly.

Do help him work out how he is going to get registered with a new GP and make sure he doesn’t run out of his medication.

Don’t wash his clothes or pack his bags. If he has to go with a black bag full of washing so be it, it won’t do him any harm. Are you dropping him off? Stick the Ikea stuff in the boot and let him sort it at the other end.

You said he had good grades so I assume you’re not worried about him going to classes and doing his assignments? Albeit that it doesn’t sound like he’d cope with any part-time work on top.

This is solid advice in my opinion

deveronvalley · 06/09/2024 17:02

I was so disorganised for uni, had spent all my money, my mum said we’re giving you a lift to the train station then you’re on your own. Panic! I didn’t even have money for the fare, met my friend at the station who lent me some as I was getting on the train. Got to Glasgow with a rucksack half full of mostly useless stuff, got on the underground, got off at the wrong stop, walked miles in searing heat with no real idea where I was going (1996, no internet!) Eventually found my halls and got sorted. I was pretty resentful when I saw the other students being driven to the door and helped in with their stuff by lovely parents. Now I realise my parents did me a favour. Time to grow up!!

ExquisiteEmelda · 06/09/2024 17:02

Am I the only one who feels sorry for him? Going to uni can be very daunting, add into that his mh issues and I think he needs a bit of help. Can’t you help him with his washing and some of the packing so it’s not so overwhelming?

LostittoBostik · 06/09/2024 17:04

He isn't 18, but he also hasn't left home yet and had those two years of independent maturation.

Not washing your clothes until there's none left and then having to do six loads in a day is classic student behaviour.

As a parent, I can see this is exasperating but I think you need to just let him get on with it tbh.

Potentialmadcatlady · 06/09/2024 17:05

I would body double him to get everything sorted so it he gets off to a good start.. plenty of Time to learn full independence next semester

mondaytosunday · 06/09/2024 17:08

How's his relationship with his Dad? So instead of telling him he needs to get his butt in gear, how about your DH says to your son 'last weekend before you leave, let's get your stuff sorted! If we do it together it will be quicker'. And it might be just the time for your son to talk to him about any concerns or whatever - just the two of them going through it all, maybe thinking about when he'd take him to footie practise as a kid, that funny but disastrous holiday you guys went on, the time he burned the dinner - you know, bonding!
He may be 20 but it's a huge step and not doing the packing is him putting off the reality of it.