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Original poster

Son off to uni next wee, not getting himself sorted

116 replies

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:35

Ds is 20. His uni is 250 miles away. He has had bad mh and basically done nothing for the last two years since finishing college. Signed off work on UC, three younger siblings all of whom have sen for a bit of background.

As he has been planning uni for a long time he has been in no rush or under pressure as he had his amazing grades already in the bag.

But.... he is going next week. We have bern to ikea to buy his kit for his room and kitchen. It's all over the living room floor. Unpacked. Dh threw half of it in a packing box so we could move about. About half of his wardrobe is dirty and laying on the bathroom floor ( this is very unlike him, but we went on holiday without him and he went full feral and never picked them up). I haven't seen him do any washing for a week. He must have more dirty than clean clothes. This isn't new for him. Normally he washes and his kit and help out half the time. No clothes packed.

No mention of how is going to get by financially but he will get a full loan. He wants a parental contribution but no conversation about that yet.

I have had a gental word, dh has been a bit more direct.

I'm torn between letting him figure it out, taking his dirty washing with him and him packing just before he leaves.

Part of me wants to.pack the bloody ikea stuff for him and do his washing.

But he isn't 18. He is grown adult man.

If I don't wash it by say Wednesday it won't to dry to take to uni. Darenth post in AIBU as It will go off topic.

He is a lazy git. Do I do a few hours slog to help him have a smoother time or do I leave him to it, as I normally do. Is this the wrong week to pick this battle?

OP posts:

Miyagi99 · 06/09/2024 17:15

I think I’d be worried about his mental health status at this time, it takes a lot of resilience to cope with uni life for the first time, no matter how old you are.

FiveTreeHill · 06/09/2024 17:15

deveronvalley · 06/09/2024 17:02

I was so disorganised for uni, had spent all my money, my mum said we’re giving you a lift to the train station then you’re on your own. Panic! I didn’t even have money for the fare, met my friend at the station who lent me some as I was getting on the train. Got to Glasgow with a rucksack half full of mostly useless stuff, got on the underground, got off at the wrong stop, walked miles in searing heat with no real idea where I was going (1996, no internet!) Eventually found my halls and got sorted. I was pretty resentful when I saw the other students being driven to the door and helped in with their stuff by lovely parents. Now I realise my parents did me a favour. Time to grow up!!

Do you really think you wouldn't have grown up without that?

When I was at uni the people who thrived were not those without parental support.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 17:20

I'm taking him. We have talked about him either getting a coach halfway when he comes home mid year or flying but it's just been "we need to look into that". I have said multiple times that if he is feeling crap and needs me I can't just go up there and then. He knows that. He knows he either needs to fly or wait till the weekend.

He will cope academically as he is extremely bright. Too bright. But he was a persistent school refuser who got top grades by doing close to zero. I have told him that won't wash at uni. He knows what grade he has to get in year one or he is off the course. If he flunks, he flunks.

Uni know about his mh issues but he said they cant give him assistance. He is awaiting a pip desision for his mh. All of that has been done by him, he hasn't wanted to involve me.

He has said he won't be working part time. I'm hoping that at some point he will change his mind on that but I'm not going to push him.

I have folded his clothes in the bathroom. I have decided to wash his undies while I ponder to wash the rest as he will just take his brothers ( what do you do when all your pants are dirty?? Find someone else's!)

OP posts:

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 17:22

Miyagi99 · 06/09/2024 17:15

I think I’d be worried about his mental health status at this time, it takes a lot of resilience to cope with uni life for the first time, no matter how old you are.

I'm always worried about his MH. Fortunately we are very close so he will tell me as he alwayvdoes when he is rock bottom. He is doing the best he has in years right now. But not good time to decrease his meds.

OP posts:

Miyagi99 · 06/09/2024 17:28

@DyslexicPoster oh I wasn’t suggesting you weren’t, I was just thinking him not helping himself smacks a bit of depression. I think I would help him this week (not do it for him) as he’ll be gone soon. Good luck!

BlankRoad · 06/09/2024 17:28

I would help him @DyslexicPoster .

I don't think this is time for tough love, show him some soft love - there is plenty of time for the former. I would do everything in your power to increase the chances of him making a good start at uni.

Mum5net · 06/09/2024 17:29

OP, freed from the people at his old school this is a fresh start with a new tribe. If he refused school it was probably because of the people not the academics.
i would be optimistic that he will thrive but if he arrives with everything dirty, he is at a social disadvantage. It’s sunny right now. Tell him you will wash everything and he can sort and fold and take it from there …

focacciamuffin · 06/09/2024 17:34

ExquisiteEmelda · 06/09/2024 17:02

Am I the only one who feels sorry for him? Going to uni can be very daunting, add into that his mh issues and I think he needs a bit of help. Can’t you help him with his washing and some of the packing so it’s not so overwhelming?

No, you aren’t.

Firenzeflower · 06/09/2024 17:37

Just wash it and get him started. After that he’s on his own.
After all his struggles it’s really good that he’s got himself on a course.
With mine I got them into the accommodation in the first year with clean clothes and a food shop. Then they were on their own. Unless they needed me which they never did.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2024 17:40

His first visit at uni will be to the laundry . No b ig deal. You can go with him. Watch him work out how to do it and be there in case of need .

Beautiful3 · 06/09/2024 17:58

It's a big change going to university, especially if he has mental health issues. I'd be inclined to do his washing for him, so he's not stressed at the last minute.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 06/09/2024 17:59

Parental contribution at 20 ? Sod that. He would be getting a job if he was mine.

Original poster

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 18:08

There is laundry in his flats so he o ly needs to go to the basement. It's been tipping it down here for the last three days so no chance to bung it on the line. If it had been I'd be inclined to just do it. But if it needs drying it's more of a Ballache. Let's see if he makes a start this weekend.

OP posts:

rockingbird · 06/09/2024 18:11

ExquisiteEmelda · 06/09/2024 17:02

Was thinking the very same! Poor lad needs a hand. I'd be helping him sort it all out and pack it with him. He has MH issues which will no doubt cause more problems if you 'leave him to it' why would you 🤷🏼‍♀️ if it was my son I'd be doing everything I could to help him with such a huge trasition.

RunnerDown · 06/09/2024 18:18

I would do his washing and help him out without another thought. When he gets to uni he will quickly have to learn to do these things himself. But do you really want his first week there to be about sorting out his washing rather than meeting new friends, socialising and doing all the admin stuff he will have to do.
His procrastination might be related to mixed feelings about the move. He may really want to go but still have major underlying concerns about how different his life will be.
You will feel so sad to see him go. Why not spoil him a bit before he does. It will help both of you

Rory17384949 · 06/09/2024 18:19

Leave him to it. He can stuff his dirty/damp clothes in bin liners if needs be. He will just have to find the laundry room if he arrives with dirty stuff.
Tell him a time you're leaving and that he needs to be packed by then

Adventurerno24 · 06/09/2024 18:26

I'm not a panderer, but I would literally do everything for him to get him ready. Id get those clothes washed, dried, and packed in a suitcase. I'd pack his kitchenware etc in boxes. I would do everything! This is going to be huge for him and he is floundering. Why bring more stress on the whole family?

Adventurerno24 · 06/09/2024 18:28

Leave him to it. He can stuff his dirty/damp clothes in bin liners if needs be. He will just have to find the laundry room if he arrives with dirty stuff

Imagine this actually being your reality?? Fucking hell!! What a miserable way to be! Arriving at uni with bin bags full of dirty clothes!! Jesus!

YeahComeOnThen · 06/09/2024 18:43

@DyslexicPoster

Personally I'd be coddling him along, it's a big step for him.

even when they're being all chilled & it's fine Mum, eye rolling on the outside.

id just get his washing done for him, pack up the kitchen stuff & other bits you've bought for him.

then encourage/help him with his other bits, make sure he's packed chargers etc.

yes it's 'babying' but if that's what he needs to take this step then so be it.

He might even need to quit & try again later.🤷🏻‍♀️

it doesn't matter that others are different, he can only be him. If he quits & doesn't want to try again next year, so be it. He'll find another way through life.

He's your little boy, no matter how old he is, his MH is fragile & he needs you.

YeahComeOnThen · 06/09/2024 18:44

Adventurerno24 · 06/09/2024 18:26

@Adventurerno24

if I'd only waited 5 mins, I could have just said ^^this!

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/09/2024 18:46

I think you definitely need to have a talk with him about finances so you know you're all on the same page. I presume he hasn't had to do much budgeting living at home. For the rest, one conversation about washing - is he going to do it/does he want help (if you're willing). Another similar about packing .

After that, you either get involved because that is less stressful for you than watching from the sidelines or you leave him to it entirely. Make sure he knows exactly when you're leaving (ie Wednesday at 08.25 not just Wednesday morning).

Grmumpy · 06/09/2024 18:48

I’d wash the stuff at home and know he’ll have to sort himself out later

MuggleMe · 06/09/2024 18:51

He'll have plenty of life lessons once he gets to uni, making the first couple of weeks a bit smoother is well worth it.

But I'd not be the laundry fairy, you get started and demand his cooperation.

Daleksatemyshed · 06/09/2024 18:59

I'd be inclined to help him sort things but it would be help, not me doing everything while he watched. Get him off to a clean start, he'll soon find out the laundry doesn't do itself

UnbeatenMum · 06/09/2024 19:00

I do think you should approach him about money and not wait for him to come to you. Presumably you have an idea about what you can afford or are prepared to fund.

Personally I would be supporting with the washing/packing if he's finding things a bit overwhelming. You mention he was a school refuser, there's lots of SEN in the family, he struggled with his mental health so I wouldn't rule out executive function difficulties.

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