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Original poster

Son off to uni next wee, not getting himself sorted

116 replies

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:35

Ds is 20. His uni is 250 miles away. He has had bad mh and basically done nothing for the last two years since finishing college. Signed off work on UC, three younger siblings all of whom have sen for a bit of background.

As he has been planning uni for a long time he has been in no rush or under pressure as he had his amazing grades already in the bag.

But.... he is going next week. We have bern to ikea to buy his kit for his room and kitchen. It's all over the living room floor. Unpacked. Dh threw half of it in a packing box so we could move about. About half of his wardrobe is dirty and laying on the bathroom floor ( this is very unlike him, but we went on holiday without him and he went full feral and never picked them up). I haven't seen him do any washing for a week. He must have more dirty than clean clothes. This isn't new for him. Normally he washes and his kit and help out half the time. No clothes packed.

No mention of how is going to get by financially but he will get a full loan. He wants a parental contribution but no conversation about that yet.

I have had a gental word, dh has been a bit more direct.

I'm torn between letting him figure it out, taking his dirty washing with him and him packing just before he leaves.

Part of me wants to.pack the bloody ikea stuff for him and do his washing.

But he isn't 18. He is grown adult man.

If I don't wash it by say Wednesday it won't to dry to take to uni. Darenth post in AIBU as It will go off topic.

He is a lazy git. Do I do a few hours slog to help him have a smoother time or do I leave him to it, as I normally do. Is this the wrong week to pick this battle?

OP posts:

crumpet · 08/09/2024 03:14

WriterOfWrongs · 08/09/2024 02:17

OP, being blunt, as the mother of a young person who has SEND, had MH issues in the past, had to have a year out for health reasons and who is about to start university next week, I'm horrified reading this. Your son's MH has been so bad that he's had two years 'off' doing nothing signed off work, and before that he was school refusing and yet:

-he's going to a university over a 4 hour drive away so can't come home or you get to him for support easily
-the university have said they can't do anything to support his MH
-you hadn't talked through how he'll finance himself and whether he can
-he's taken an understandable turn for the worse in the run-up to going and you're referring to him as lazy and saying "to be 20 again and so laid back"

NONE of this sounds like a supportive setup for him, none of it, in fact it sounds a recipe for disaster. How on earth haven't you pushed him about the university saying they can't do anything to support his MH? After having toured a large number of university open days speaking the disability and well being departments that most universities do a lot to support students with MH issues. They have to - a lot of students suffer from mental health problems and anxiety and depression can qualify as disabilities (which your son's definitely will do by the sound of it) so universities are legally bound to make accommodations. And some of them really, really want to help.

You and your DH need to give yourselves a metaphorical slap and face reality: which is that your son might be an adult man, but he's currently not able to function like one and indeed hasn't since becoming one several years ago, and so it's pointless and tbh cruel to expect him to be able to suddenly act like one.

You need to help him get ready and to prepare financially and emotionally. You need to encourage him to speak to disability services. Or perhaps even do a google and have a look at their website yourself. Pull your own finger out, literally.

I agree with this

WriterOfWrongs · 08/09/2024 03:31

SotiredIcanttthinkstraight · 08/09/2024 03:05

Oh gosh that’s so sad and awful but I knew there was some test case requiring unis to make reasonable provision. Others more knowledgeable may hopefully come along and tell us if this is actually happening in reality. My dds both have good counselling services at their unis as it happens, although one of them is very over-subscribed .

Show quote history

The case had two strands to it.

One was the that the university was ruled to have failed to undertake its duty to make reasonable adjustments if a student has a diagnosed disability, as the student concerned did (depression). That is non-negotiable and is a duty on all universities and school and workplaces - it's set by the Equality Act.

The other strand is that the deceased student's family argued the university had a general duty of care and it was negligent in not showing her care. That is what you're thinking of specifically. The court ruled that there was no such duty. There has since been a petition to create a statutory duty of care for universities to have for it's 18+ students, in the same way it has a statutory duty of care for its employees and under 18 year old students. The government didn't create such a statutory duty of care, but it has urged universities to sign up to the University Mental Health Charter. I'm not sure exactly what is in it, but the focus from what I understand is on trying to prevent student suicide.

From my & my DC's recent discussions with many university disability and wellbeing departments, mental health is something that many universities are take seriously. There are special accommodations for depression and anxiety that are similar to those students with autism and/or ADHD can get (my child qualifies for the latter two, so that was our main focus), eg a university mentor and extensions for essays. Some universities are much better at how they support certain disabilities are others, which is why IMO it's imperative that if you have a disability and/or mental health issue you choose your university carefully: provision, environment, general attitude towards pastoral care, closeness to home etc.

WriterOfWrongs · 08/09/2024 03:37

Sorry lots of typos, I have ADHD myself, am tired, and feeling rather impassioned about this (if you can't tell ) and tying quickly without reading back properly.

SotiredIcanttthinkstraight · 08/09/2024 03:45

WriterOfWrongs · 08/09/2024 03:37

Sorry lots of typos, I have ADHD myself, am tired, and feeling rather impassioned about this (if you can't tell ) and tying quickly without reading back properly.

Not at all that’s really useful info. Hope you sleep!

HoppityBun · 08/09/2024 03:53

He’s not a lazy git! He’s got ADHD, he’s got poor mental health, he’s facing the completely unknown and his parents are just sitting back and watching him crash.

AlwaysFreezing · 08/09/2024 03:53

In his head, all he has to do is pack. And he has days to get that done. And then some spare days to get anything he he is missing.

He doesn't have a job, a family to marshall, a dental appointment, a food shop to do, insurance to renew and the electrician coming on Wednesday and return to sports club runs, and the associated additional laundry. Plus the beds to change, parent pay to to top up, the bathroom to clean etc etc like you have, in the same amount of time.

You can see why he's relaxed, wouldn't it be lovely to have just that to do?! It's different perspectives. I'd be tryi g to help him see that if he wants you to help, you have limited time available in which to do it and leaving it all super late means you're less likely to be able to help. He might be OK with that and he might surprise you.

I wouldn't put up with it all in the living room, not packed, lying around, in the way. That's not cool, it's pretty selfish and I'd be unhappy about that.

BoreOffAboutYerChickensEmma · 08/09/2024 04:06

Could he help pack by writing up an inventory of what he has so that he can a) feel more in control of the change if he can see a list of things he has and b) use the inventory to pack to come home at the end of the year / term?

My lounge floor is full of stuff being packed slowly for DS to go to uni next weekend.

SotiredIcanttthinkstraight · 08/09/2024 04:14

HoppityBun · 08/09/2024 03:53

He’s not a lazy git! He’s got ADHD, he’s got poor mental health, he’s facing the completely unknown and his parents are just sitting back and watching him crash.

Where does the op say he has ADHD? If she has I have missed it!

Of course that would have an impact on executive function etc as does untreated depression. But op says her da is on ADs and is doing better now than he has in many previous years.

And she has come on here asking for advice and support so I dont feel that she deserves criticism for not caring sufficiently! When you live with someone and are so close to them, especially an uncommunicative young man, it is difficult to work out what to do for the best sometimes, as you can’t see the wood for the trees!

HelenWheels · 08/09/2024 04:22

i would absolutely do his washing, no question.

HoppityBun · 08/09/2024 04:23

SotiredIcanttthinkstraight · 08/09/2024 04:14

Where does the op say he has ADHD? If she has I have missed it!

Of course that would have an impact on executive function etc as does untreated depression. But op says her da is on ADs and is doing better now than he has in many previous years.

Show quote history

You’re right. OP doesn’t say he’s got ADHD. She’s right. He’s just a lazy git.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:25

Let him do it himself. If he doesn't do it, he deals with the consequences.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:27

Ted27 · 06/09/2024 16:42

Honestly ?
Wrong time to pick a battle.
You say he's had mental health issues- maybe he isn't a lazy got, maybe he is feeling overwhelmed, or worried about going, how he will cope.
My son is going off for his second year next week. He has done a lot himself but he seems to have run out of steam. He has ASD.
Maybe a conversation about how he's feeling, if he wants some help rather than just nagging

She's already tried that as has her husband. I say leave him to it. It's not the end of the world if he has to go with a case of dirty clothes. He will have to sort his own laundry out at Uni anyway. Nagging is pointless.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:30

DyslexicPoster · 06/09/2024 16:49

This is my overwhelming feeling too. I can see myself packing his entire dirty wardrobe for him to wash at uni. He is always saying "it's not a big deal mum" no big deal ds, just wash it when ever, no rush my love 🤣 or survive with no pants, who cares about that level of detail

Show quote history

Why would you do his packing? His laundry, his packing, his responsibility. He'll soon learn how to do it.

KeyBored · 08/09/2024 04:32

Sertraline?

When my DS was on that, he said he felt detached from deadlines as if they applied to some other, worried person, not to him.

It wasn't the best antidepressant for him with a very busy uni course (he did end up repeating a year).

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:36

OP, why oh why are you washing a 20 year olds underwear for him?
If he doesn't do it himself, what's the worst that could happen? I don't think you are helping him in the long run.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:39

rockingbird · 06/09/2024 18:11

Was thinking the very same! Poor lad needs a hand. I'd be helping him sort it all out and pack it with him. He has MH issues which will no doubt cause more problems if you 'leave him to it' why would you 🤷🏼‍♀️ if it was my son I'd be doing everything I could to help him with such a huge trasition.

Show quote history

OP has said he is very "chipper" about it and doesn't think it's urgent. Let him sort his own clothes out. He's 20.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:41

Adventurerno24 · 06/09/2024 18:28

Leave him to it. He can stuff his dirty/damp clothes in bin liners if needs be. He will just have to find the laundry room if he arrives with dirty stuff

Imagine this actually being your reality?? Fucking hell!! What a miserable way to be! Arriving at uni with bin bags full of dirty clothes!! Jesus!

But it would be the lad's choice to do that. He is perfectly capable of doing his own washing. He has chosen to leave things until the last minute. Let him get on with it. It's only dirty clothes, it's not abuse.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:42

"I'm not a panderer but I would literally do everything for him.."
OK.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:46

miaoweeee · 06/09/2024 19:33

He is your son. Do you love him? Do you even like him? Why would you let him struggle even more so than he already is?!

Don't listen to all the people telling you they wouldn't lift a finger or support their child emotionally anymore once they turn 18.

They're lying.

They probably have toddlers and think they have it tougher. Wait til they get to where you are. A bit like the people that say no kids at their wedding, and then they have kids themselves and can't believe they aren't invited.

Help your son out. Your other children have SEN. He has 'mental health' struggles. He probably has additional needs too and is overwhelmed. Don't make it even more difficult for him.

NOBODY has said they would not support their child "emotionally". Don't be so dishonest.
Some people are merely saying let him sort his own laundry out.

glitches78 · 08/09/2024 04:48

Just do it for him. It's a big adjustment going off to uni and one he'll be more worried about than he's letting on. I just sent ds off to year two with clean clothes. You don't want him to be the smelly kid with dirty clothes who turned up on day 1.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:50

DyslexicPoster · 07/09/2024 23:52

Been out for dinner tonight. Had the chat. He is in no rush, said his head is empty and unless it's pressing he isn't thinking about it. I told him to put everything in the wash and I will dry it for him. He was agreed to pack together... three days before he goes. That leaves an abundance of time ( 2 days) to get anything else he needs ( including more clothes) I have said I'm more than happy to help. So watch this space. He is going to get his cleaning stuff on Wednesday like bleach from boots 🤣 that will be his first reality check.

What I do if nothing is washed I'm not sure but I'm leaning to just washing it.

Not the best timing to die on this hill. To be 20 again and so laid back. He has unpacked the box dh packed as it's not to his standards so that's back on the living room floor. We have gone from go slow to reverse

Bloody hell! He unpacked the box your husband packed for him? Bwahahahaha, the cheeky git!

As far as his stuff and his laundry goes, I say leave him to it. He has demonstrated that he knows how it likes things done. I bet he does all his laundry the day before and all will be well.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 04:53

TheHateIsNotGood · 08/09/2024 01:34

Just. Get. Him. Ready. And. Prepared. Now is not the time for 'this and that', it's time to help him fly the nest, not mentally-wrestle about the effing washing.

Correct. Which is why he should do his own laundry.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 05:00

HoppityBun · 08/09/2024 03:53

He’s not a lazy git! He’s got ADHD, he’s got poor mental health, he’s facing the completely unknown and his parents are just sitting back and watching him crash.

That is bollocks.

I'm not saying he's a lazy git. I think he sees the laundry and packing as less urgent than his parents do, and he has a legitimate point of view there.

But his mum has described his mood as "chipper" at the moment. And she has talked to him and offered to help. And his dad has already packed a box which the lad has unpacked because it wan't done to his liking!
How, exactly, are his parents "sitting back and watching him crash"?

There is zero evidence for that.

NonsuchCastle · 08/09/2024 05:03

AlwaysFreezing · 08/09/2024 03:53

In his head, all he has to do is pack. And he has days to get that done. And then some spare days to get anything he he is missing.

I wouldn't put up with it all in the living room, not packed, lying around, in the way. That's not cool, it's pretty selfish and I'd be unhappy about that.

I agree with all this. It's classic: Mum wants everything done a week in advance (with the best of intentions), son can't see the problem and plans to do it the day before. Different perspectives.

HelenWheels · 08/09/2024 05:03

he is about to leave home, it is the least you can do op
what is the point of making things even more difficult when you dont have to

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