Son off to uni next wee, not getting himself sorted

[DyslexicPoster]

Ds is 20. His uni is 250 miles away. He has had bad mh and basically done nothing for the last two years since finishing college. Signed off work on UC, three younger siblings all of whom have sen for a bit of background.

As he has been planning uni for a long time he has been in no rush or under pressure as he had his amazing grades already in the bag.

But.... he is going next week. We have bern to ikea to buy his kit for his room and kitchen. It's all over the living room floor. Unpacked. Dh threw half of it in a packing box so we could move about. About half of his wardrobe is dirty and laying on the bathroom floor ( this is very unlike him, but we went on holiday without him and he went full feral and never picked them up). I haven't seen him do any washing for a week. He must have more dirty than clean clothes. This isn't new for him. Normally he washes and his kit and help out half the time. No clothes packed.

No mention of how is going to get by financially but he will get a full loan. He wants a parental contribution but no conversation about that yet.

I have had a gental word, dh has been a bit more direct.

I'm torn between letting him figure it out, taking his dirty washing with him and him packing just before he leaves.

Part of me wants to.pack the bloody ikea stuff for him and do his washing.

But he isn't 18. He is grown adult man.

If I don't wash it by say Wednesday it won't to dry to take to uni. Darenth post in AIBU as It will go off topic.

He is a lazy git. Do I do a few hours slog to help him have a smoother time or do I leave him to it, as I normally do. Is this the wrong week to pick this battle?

Where is the love ?

Except he's not a 7-year old smelly, dirty kid who has no control over his laundry.
He's 20 and he is obviously leaving doing his laundry until the last minute. His choice.

The "least she can do"? Is HE stressing about his laundry? No, he isn't.
He's 20. If he wants to leave sorting his clothes out until the last minute, let him.
He left packing for a month-long transatlantic trip until the day before. This is how he does packing. The day before. He's not stressed about it.
Pandering and nagging does no good for anyone.
It's not abusive to not do your 20 year old's laundry, especially when he hasn't even asked mum to do it.

well i would and those saying they wouldnt are more than likely lying.

Why are they "more than likely lying"? Because they wouldn't do what you would do? Not everyone is the same, you know.
And why would they lie? What would be the motivation?
You sound a bit silly, I'm afraid.

no i am not silly
i am an experienced parent,
two of my dc have been to uni and survived.
i certainly helped them
why ever not?
if he goes he will be gone for some time

As he's struggling with his mental health I'd probably help but try not to take over. So I'd ask if he wants me to wash some stuff etc.

More importantly I'd make sure he leaves on a positive note knowing he has your guys support if he needs it

Oh fhs, the op would t be posting if she didn’t care!

Sometimes, depending on circumstances, not leaping in and doing the washing is the more loving thing to do when someone is struggling. It depends on the individual.

Not saying whether that is the case here or not but the lad has to stand on his own feet very soon.

I would wash and pack for him and send him off - he'll have to fend for himself soon enough. I absolutely hate packing to go away on holiday, so I can see why it could be completely overwhelming for him to have to pack everything he needs for uni.

If you leave the stuff lying around the living room and the bathroom floor he'll go away with dirty clothes, and you'll be annoyed between now and then.

OP. I have a DS, 20 (in 3 weeks). He has ASD, Dyslexia, Clinical Anxiety all of which contribute to obvious executive functioning skills issues. His Mum has always, to date, provided a hot meal & a clean bed / clothes so Uni would be a huge transition for him.
It's a fine line between 'doing it for him' & watching whilst he either doesn't do it or messes it up. He will want to have ownership of it (good for confidence in leaving & coping at Uni). But also be unfamiliar with what's actually involved (& which bits matter - my Ds would probably be fussing about which bag his dirty clothes went in too).
I'd put aside a day. Do it WITH him.
That way it gets done. But not BY you. WITH you so he has an example & feels in control/ more confidence. In 2 wks (depending on quantity of his clothes) he'll have to do it 'all by himself' at Uni).

Ps absolutely get in touch with Uni support system NOW. He'll need them.

In a week he'll be gone and you will miss him. Give him his best chance and part on good terms. This is not a battle you need to have.

How did it go, OP? It’s quite an emotional time when they leave the nest.

I ended up washing it after making multiple requests to make a start. Just as well really as that was pretty much the story of his packing everything. He lost stuff, forgot stuff and was packing right up till we left and arrived a hour late.

He refused offers of helping to unpack and said yesterday its a work in progress and might take some time.

I'm having moments of missing him and feeling emotional and moments of relief he actually made it.

I don't think he will unpack and he told me he intends to live out of his case. Main thing is he seems quite happy. But it wasn't the ideal way to organise his start at uni life. I keep reminding myself it's his life and his choice. I know I couldn't have done any more to help him.

Sounds like you did a great job, OP. He’s arrived face up, he’s got everything and he’s organising it his way.
it’s a balance isn’t it? You’re glad that they are off and running. You’re glad that they are where they are … but as a mum you can see how it would be a bit easier/ better by investing extra effort. I’m still learning to keep my nose out.

Yes it's definitely hard to keep my nose out but I will and I have. The plan was to do a big food shop when we arrived but as soon as we got of his kit to his room he decided he wanted to sleep instead. It's was a bit hard seeing on FB and hearing my friends taking their freshers out for dinner after helping set up rooms and fill freezers. But this was his choice.

When he leaves uni at least I'm not going to asked to help pack up from the looks of it. I guess it will all just stay in the boxes over summer ready for year 2. We will see. Im trying to enjoy my house being tidier without the boxes here right now.