Son off to uni next wee, not getting himself sorted

[DyslexicPoster]

Ds is 20. His uni is 250 miles away. He has had bad mh and basically done nothing for the last two years since finishing college. Signed off work on UC, three younger siblings all of whom have sen for a bit of background.

As he has been planning uni for a long time he has been in no rush or under pressure as he had his amazing grades already in the bag.

But.... he is going next week. We have bern to ikea to buy his kit for his room and kitchen. It's all over the living room floor. Unpacked. Dh threw half of it in a packing box so we could move about. About half of his wardrobe is dirty and laying on the bathroom floor ( this is very unlike him, but we went on holiday without him and he went full feral and never picked them up). I haven't seen him do any washing for a week. He must have more dirty than clean clothes. This isn't new for him. Normally he washes and his kit and help out half the time. No clothes packed.

No mention of how is going to get by financially but he will get a full loan. He wants a parental contribution but no conversation about that yet.

I have had a gental word, dh has been a bit more direct.

I'm torn between letting him figure it out, taking his dirty washing with him and him packing just before he leaves.

Part of me wants to.pack the bloody ikea stuff for him and do his washing.

But he isn't 18. He is grown adult man.

If I don't wash it by say Wednesday it won't to dry to take to uni. Darenth post in AIBU as It will go off topic.

He is a lazy git. Do I do a few hours slog to help him have a smoother time or do I leave him to it, as I normally do. Is this the wrong week to pick this battle?

I am not a pushover but I would do the same .
New start, fresh beginnings
After that he is on his own

I would do it with him.

It will take 2 hours max to pack

I would wash his clothes with him tomorrow and sunday

Sit down and talk about money, budget, time keeping.

He might be an adult in age, but he's been doing nothing with no consequences for two years, not had to pay a bill or get up on time without back up.

I would want my child to leave in the best possible frame of mind, knowing we were there for them but equally looking forward to watching them blossom as an adult, not carting them off with a haphazard box of stuff and a bag of dirty clothes. That is not how I would want them to go.

I would even buy and pack a food box full of their favourite snacks and drinks with stuff to share.

And this wouldn't be because I am soft, but because I love him and want him to be as ready as I could help make him.

He will come back at Christmas a different man. I doubt you will regret doing these ladt few chores for him.

I would definitely help him. Set him up for a fresh start. Preferably do it together.

My parents helped me when I started and I always remember my first day when they dropped me off and helped me organise everything in my new room. Then I was on my own and didn’t see them at all till the holidays!

He is your son. Do you love him? Do you even like him? Why would you let him struggle even more so than he already is?!

Don't listen to all the people telling you they wouldn't lift a finger or support their child emotionally anymore once they turn 18.

They're lying.

They probably have toddlers and think they have it tougher. Wait til they get to where you are. A bit like the people that say no kids at their wedding, and then they have kids themselves and can't believe they aren't invited.

Help your son out. Your other children have SEN. He has 'mental health' struggles. He probably has additional needs too and is overwhelmed. Don't make it even more difficult for him.

@DyslexicPoster
The bottom line for me is do you want to set him up to fail or set him up to succeed?

I would 100% help him, with his buy in. Help him write a list. Offer to wash his clothes and do so. Make sure he doesn't forget chargers, washing powder.

Mine's a bit younger but could easily be totally swamped, or paralysed by some small detail like what bag to use or what to pack first.

He'll have plenty on his plate in the first couple of weeks, even if you pack every sock and send reserve deodorant.

Not a great time to start 'teach him a lesson' 'ha that'll teach him' tactics.
I'd offer to help. He's dismissive because he's scared and avoiding things. He looks at the clothes on the floor...then things go all foggy in his head.
You know he has mental health issues, give him a hand. He'll have to do laundry up there himself, cook etc.
At least send him off with some clean clothes instead of waiting for him to fail...and hope that 'fixes' him.
Have faith that uni could really help him to adultise himself but wouldn't anyone appreciate help with organizational skills they struggle with?

Hi, Op, have things improved?

Been out for dinner tonight. Had the chat. He is in no rush, said his head is empty and unless it's pressing he isn't thinking about it. I told him to put everything in the wash and I will dry it for him. He was agreed to pack together... three days before he goes. That leaves an abundance of time ( 2 days) to get anything else he needs ( including more clothes) I have said I'm more than happy to help. So watch this space. He is going to get his cleaning stuff on Wednesday like bleach from boots 🤣 that will be his first reality check.

What I do if nothing is washed I'm not sure but I'm leaning to just washing it.

Not the best timing to die on this hill. To be 20 again and so laid back. He has unpacked the box dh packed as it's not to his standards so that's back on the living room floor. We have gone from go slow to reverse

I don’t think it sounds too bad, OP.
He’s got you.

I think he might surprise you and do really well once his washing is done 😃

He probably has a plan in his head to do it all at the very last minute!

My DS is off to uni too

I'll be washing his clothes before he goes because he'll be doing it himself once he's gone so I don't really care that I'm doing it now

I've bought him some basics and he's planning to buy what he needs when he gets there from the local Tesco and Aldi that's near their halls

I'm not bothered. He's not bothered he'll just figure out what he needs and get it

Yes we are going shopping once he gets there. We did talk about unpacking his boxes and me taking them home. He raised his eyebrows and said he might live out of his case. I guess he has all the time in the world, in my head I have three other kids needs to juggle.

I'm not going to stress. Reality is he will be there this time next week and I'm going to miss him terribly. Being a bit angry with his lack of organising skills is easier than feeling sad he is going.

We had a lovely evening together. He will leave a hole in the home. I won't miss his mess. Much

I would wash his clothes for my own mental health.
DD1 suffers from depression and her room once got to the point where she just didn’t know where to start.
I closed the door and ignored it, as I usually did. My DM came to stay and helped DD1 sort things. Once it was cleaned, it stayed that way.
Lesson learned for me. Sometimes they just need a hand as they don’t know what to tackle first .
Good luck

Just. Get. Him. Ready. And. Prepared. Now is not the time for 'this and that', it's time to help him fly the nest, not mentally-wrestle about the effing washing.

I'd remind him of things he might genuinely not appreciate (like the amount of time his things will take to dry) and offer your help, but remind him you may not be available at the last minute so ask early. For the money contribution, I'd decide with his dad the minimum amount you find reasonable and tell him that's what you'll be giving him unless he makes a case for needing more.

The fact that you're driving him makes it tricky, as if he's not ready to go he'll hold you up. Be firm that you're leaving at x time because you have to be back at y time, and stick to it. Taking his dirty clothes with him for him to wash later wouldn't be the end of the world; he'll likely have access to an automatic dryer where he'll be living?

... he will just take his brothers ( what do you do when all your pants are dirty?? Find someone else's!) Eww! This isn't acceptable at all; can the brothers keep their clothes in their rooms until he goes?

He goes through his brothers draws to take his undies. His brother would be livid if he knew.

I think that's part of the problem, the time it takes to wash and dry is a day at best with good weather. In his head you wash it and its done. He normally leaves his washing out for days.

He is telling me tonight he packed for a month long holiday transatlantic the day before and I was fine. But he didn't take bedding or kitchen equipment.

We have a set hour to turn up and it's 4 hours drive if we don't stop at all. So he knows we have get there early and leave more than 4 hours before.

Yes I’d be more worried about this too than whether his clothes are ready or not.

What does him procrastinating actually mean?

Is he dreading it and therefore paralysed with fear?

Is he worried he won’t cope mentally but too afraid to say and his dirty laundry is a subliminal message to you?

Or is he just lazy (although you said he doesn’t normally “go feral” like this)?

I’d be having a talk to him about whether he really does feel able to cope with this huge transition before anything else tbh.

Hopefully, it will do him the world of good to be there, even if he does find it difficult. Making progress is not always comfortable all of the time. But there needs to be a balance and he needs to be able to talk to someone if he feels mentally out of kilter.

Surely the uni has student counselling services of some description? What does he mean when he says the uni can’t give him assistance?

I’m not sure feeling sorry for him is helpful.

Both of my dds got themselves packed and organised for uni with only a bit of help from me (I drove them to IKEA and back) and worked out budgets etc. And one of them had had two years of poor mh at that point during the pandemic. They both had been doing their washing independently since the age of fourteen.

I’d be worried that if op’s son can’t cope with the initial prep for uni aged twenty, then he isn’t ready in reality ifyswim. Only op can judge that though and it sounds as if she is confident that he will be able to cope.

As an aside, I don’t want to derail as this is really not the thread to discuss this, and I know boys and girls develop at different rates etc, especially when poor mh is a factor, but does no one else find it just a bit depressing in this day and age that such different standards apply to both? And how many women are prepared to rush in and do a 20 year old man’s washing for him? (Cue lots of posters saying “I did it for my dd” no doubt! 😀😀)

OP, being blunt, as the mother of a young person who has SEND, had MH issues in the past, had to have a year out for health reasons and who is about to start university next week, I'm horrified reading this. Your son's MH has been so bad that he's had two years 'off' doing nothing signed off work, and before that he was school refusing and yet:

-he's going to a university over a 4 hour drive away so can't come home or you get to him for support easily
-the university have said they can't do anything to support his MH
-you hadn't talked through how he'll finance himself and whether he can
-he's taken an understandable turn for the worse in the run-up to going and you're referring to him as lazy and saying "to be 20 again and so laid back"

NONE of this sounds like a supportive setup for him, none of it, in fact it sounds a recipe for disaster. How on earth haven't you pushed him about the university saying they can't do anything to support his MH? After having toured a large number of university open days speaking the disability and well being departments that most universities do a lot to support students with MH issues. They have to - a lot of students suffer from mental health problems and anxiety and depression can qualify as disabilities (which your son's definitely will do by the sound of it) so universities are legally bound to make accommodations. And some of them really, really want to help.

You and your DH need to give yourselves a metaphorical slap and face reality: which is that your son might be an adult man, but he's currently not able to function like one and indeed hasn't since becoming one several years ago, and so it's pointless and tbh cruel to expect him to be able to suddenly act like one.

You need to help him get ready and to prepare financially and emotionally. You need to encourage him to speak to disability services. Or perhaps even do a google and have a look at their website yourself. Pull your own finger out, literally.

Yes I am not on top of the details but wasn’t there some sort of ruling about duty of care and students which started out as an enquiry at Bristol uni?

@SotiredIcanttthinkstraight yes there was a court case where it was ruled that Bristol university had committed indirect disability discrimination by failing to make reasonable adjustments, as was required under the Equality Act, for a student who the university knew suffered from depression and who unfortunately committed suicide.

Oh gosh that’s so sad and awful but I knew there was some test case requiring unis to make reasonable provision. Others more knowledgeable may hopefully come along and tell us if this is actually happening in reality. My dds both have good counselling services at their unis as it happens, although one of them is very over-subscribed .

I would say help him out. Get him off to a good start at university. Once you’ve gone back home after dropping him off it’ll all be down to him. Underneath it all he might be feeling a bit overwhelmed.