Friend's wife hardly ever comes to anything

[SockSensation]

Clearly none of my business, but starting to feel concerned for her.

I have a small friendship group with a pretty active social life, including lots of long weekends away.

The core is 4 single people (2 men, 2 women) 2 married couples and a married man who almost always comes without his wife. At various times friends of friends will join us and obviously not everyone comes to everything.

Friend's DW is very welcome, when she does come she's sociable and appears to enjoy herself.

Mostly though he says she prefers having the house to herself and him going without her. This is most weekends, sometimes twice in a weekend, although he is aware when it's been several weekends in a row, and they do go off and do things as a couple fairly often too (no children). Sometimes he'll decline on a "better not" basis, but she'll tell him to come.

In the face of it, it seems a perfect realtionship, happy together but enjoying separate interests too, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but lately I feel like something's not right. I don't know her as well as him, but she's lovely and I'm a bit worried for her but can't place why.

FWIW, he is always perfectly well behaved when out with us and she has nothing to worry about on that front.

Is there anything I should do?

Oh, I also meant to say quite often she's coming, but will be "unwell" at the last minute.

It sounds like you're suggesting your friend is abusing his wife somehow, which seems like a bit of a leap. Maybe she just doesn't like your group of friends?!

If they're happy, I'd leave them to it.
Maybe like he says, she enjoys having some time to herself.

Surely the most obvious reason is that she just doesn't particularly want to hang around with your group?

I wouldn't enjoy regularly socialising with my DH's friends.

I know a couple of couples like this. In one, she is struggling with menopause and other issues and is generally less sociable than him. They're pretty stable and mature about stuff and are both happy for him to go out and her to stay at home.
In the other, they are on the path to break up.

(As far as I know / they have said anyway).

In both situations, as you say, it is none of my business really and I won't do anything.

So I am the wife in this situation, with our friendship group. I haven’t been out socially to see anyone since May this year.
I always have the intention of going and then the day comes around, my anxiety flares up and I feel physically and mentally unwell by the time the event arrives, and therefore stay home.

I’d give anything for someone to reach out, but not a single person has since May. So if you’re worried, maybe check in with her personally (ie. not via her husband) just to see how she is?

She could have social anxiety.

Yes, this is what I'm thinking. It feels like she wants to come and does like us (😆) but for some reason it's difficult for her.

My dh has a very annoying old school friend who he feels obliged to see because they've been friends since childhood, I can't stand him so when he spends time with him I find something else to do and that's perfectly fine, nobody worries about it.
Plus if as you sound like you're suspecting he was controlling or abusing her I'm pretty sure he wouldn't leave her to her own devices for a long weekend.

This was how it went for me and my ex, I started avoiding things and staying home. And it was because we had problems. I'd got to the stage where I couldn't bear to see his fake nice caring act in front of mutual friends, and it isolated me from being able to explain to those same friends that he wasn't like that to me at all in private.

If you are good friends with her I would keep your ears and eyes open and be supportive if she needs it. Of course though, she could just enjoy alone time, I think it's become way more enjoyable and accepted since COVID years to prioritise time to ourselves if needed.

Maybe she is just an introvert and needs more downtime from socialising than the rest of the friendship group. It sounds like way more than I could cope with.

Perhaps she's a free thinking woman, with friends of her own that she wants to spend time with.

Or a free thinking woman who loves having her home to herself when her husband's out.

I wouldn't allow this to take up any of my head space, unless there's something you haven't told us?

I am also the wife in this situation. It is a mixture of a)not really liking the friends (they are ok but very cliquey and not hugely welcoming) and b) REALLY loving having the house to myself. I am an introvert and we both work from home so I am never here on my own and am always desperate for time to myself. Marriage is perfectly fine, I am perfectly fine.

Sounds like me and my DH. I have a few large circles of friends. I would like to be out socialising all the time if it was possible. Parties, nights out, volunteer events, if it's happening, I want to be there (also an extrovert - did you spot that?)

DH is an introvert, does not like large groups of friends, likes to have single friends or intimate groups. Like to meet occasionally for a meal or drinks and a chat. He also has an very public people focused job. So when not working he likes to recharge at home.

So he will attend the occasional event with my friends, significant birthdays or anniversaries for example, he finds them all pleasant enough as individuals and couples.
But generally wedo family stuff together and then I go out as much as I can for my sanity, and he stays home as much as he can for his sanity
It did cause arguments earlier in our relationship, but we have learned to work with each other.

So someone does something different to what you would do so if course it has to be abuse?

Perhaps she has her own friendship group and doesn't need another one? I would be a bit pissed off if someone my husband socialises with 'checked up on me' just because I don't want to come out and play. Every relationship is different and it sounds as though this works for them (or they could be heading for a break in which case it's private).

She could also be like my neighbour who actively encouraged her husband to go on weekends away, so she could shag her boss 🤷‍♂️

That's interesting becuase he said something odd recently. Someone said what a nice chap he is (which he is in out group, at least) and he said " I'm not as nice as you think I am, you only see the best of me"

Maybe that's what's set me thinking.

I'm an introvert, DP is more of a social butterfly. He often goes out without me. I am normally behaved and enjoy the nights out when I go, but don't have the social battery for the amounts of night's out he has and would rather have the house to myself, watch tv, read a book, do my arts and crafts, ....
It's nothing personal against his friends or a sign of any deeper problem.

Good lord!

I'd reach out to his wife without him knowing and ask if she's OK

I had similar with a friend who came to all social occasions without his wife.

They are perfectly happy as a couple.

The reason his wife doesn’t come out is because she is autistic and doesn’t cope well in social situations. She used to mask a lot to fit in, but found it draining so feels much happier at home.

She doesn’t restrict him though which is why he comes alone.

Maybe there is a similar situation with your friend

Maybe he's a pain in the arse on a personal one to one level and she likes the space when he's not around- if things aren't 100% you want to see less of them, not more!!

My marriage is more than happy but we do tend to socialise separately most of the time. His friends are perfectly nice but like pp I need my downtime, even from my own friends sometime. Classic introvert behaviour.

I have a friend who did exactly this and we wondered why. It turned out that they were going through a terrible two years of fertility difficulties with many miscarriages, some quite late. We didn’t find out until much later.