Friend's wife hardly ever comes to anything

[SockSensation]

Clearly none of my business, but starting to feel concerned for her.

I have a small friendship group with a pretty active social life, including lots of long weekends away.

The core is 4 single people (2 men, 2 women) 2 married couples and a married man who almost always comes without his wife. At various times friends of friends will join us and obviously not everyone comes to everything.

Friend's DW is very welcome, when she does come she's sociable and appears to enjoy herself.

Mostly though he says she prefers having the house to herself and him going without her. This is most weekends, sometimes twice in a weekend, although he is aware when it's been several weekends in a row, and they do go off and do things as a couple fairly often too (no children). Sometimes he'll decline on a "better not" basis, but she'll tell him to come.

In the face of it, it seems a perfect realtionship, happy together but enjoying separate interests too, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but lately I feel like something's not right. I don't know her as well as him, but she's lovely and I'm a bit worried for her but can't place why.

FWIW, he is always perfectly well behaved when out with us and she has nothing to worry about on that front.

Is there anything I should do?

I rarely attend events with my partners friends. They are alright but too much for me. We don’t have the same interests. If I do attend, I make an effort, very sociable etc but don’t really enjoy myself. I rather do my own thing whilst he sees his friends. He is ok with that so am I!

I absolutely hate group holidays and would find the regularity of the arranged events stifling. Maybe she’s just not doing things she doesn’t want to do. I think women tend to get roped into things far more than men. It really stresses me out when I do say no and then get pressure to do the thing anyway, as if there’s something lacking or wrong in / with me for not wanting to.

You go away together every weekend?

Goodness.

Nothing you should do @SockSensation . Not your place to do anything. As others had said, you do seem to have an active social life and group and that’s fine. You obviously enjoy it. I find the thought of going out and doing that much socialising stifling. I couldn’t do it.

as others have said, there are people in life who approach people like me who insist you’ll enjoy yourself if you take part, oh you must come, oh you shouldn’t spend time on your own, etc etc…

Don’t be one of those people. By all means chat to her when she does come, but other than that, leave her be.

Maybe she likes his friends (your group) but just doesn't have much in common with you or much to say in a group so would prefer to stay at home?

It's possible there's anxiety or something else going on, but also could just be she prefers not to socialise and he doesn't mind either way so she gets to relax at home on these days.

Meh. I can fun and sociable in a group I'm not necessarily good friends with/close to but I'd much rather spend that time alone... Reading, writing, catching up on a series. Or with my really good friends. DH is used to me declining stuff with his colleagues etc as I just don't want to and would rather spend my time doing something else. If it were something really important to DH, I'd go.
DH is the opposite. He loves every social situation going so likes to come along to everything I invite him too.

Sounds a bit weird to be worried about her, unless there is some backstory about your friend?

I am sort of like her. I enjoy being around my DH's friends every now and then, but I would definitely not want to be around them every weekend.
I quite enjoy having a house to myself and I prefer my own friends.

I would find it strange if one of my DH's friends reached out to me and was concerned. Unless we were close friends and I suddenly stoped showing up.

From your OP, I would not reach out to her and leave her be. Unless there is some back story.

Maybe she finds you a bit full on and intense and doesn’t have the time for drama.

I wonder how frequently you all go away for the weekend OP.
I mean I like my friends but I would only go away with them once or maybe twice a year.

Maybe she likes her space when she's not working, or maybe she wants to spend time with her own friends.

I'd leave it alone, it's nothing to do with you.

Honestly, I think it is your business. We all complain there’s “no village any more”, and we encourage women in difficult situations to open up to someone in real life. Well, those things require us to be concerned for other people!

Where is the indication coming from that the wife is in a 'difficult situation'?!

Are we seriously saying that not wanting to spend every weekend with your husband's mates means there's something wrong?

I don’t think I’ve ever been grateful for the fact my DH is antisocial until I read this thread!

Agree, as an introvert I would want to move house if somebody latched on to me in this way. To be honest, you don’t even need to be an introvert to find this off-putting. A lot of people would find this much to intense and intrusive. Or perhaps just have other friends they prefer.

That would be me. I prefer my own friends and think if I'm going to spend precious time it's going to be with them.

She's introverted and would prefer to recharge alone, and not with her husband's friends. I cannot believe this is that hard for you to understand.

She could have social anxiety,

Or she could just enjoy the peace and calm of having quiet space to herself without all the hectic noise and crowds.

i think what strikes me about this thread is that there's a tendency to want to "fix" someone just because their social preferences are different. If they don't want to go out every weekend, ooo there must be something the matter, they must need to be sorted out. Sometimes that may be the case, but other times people make the adult choice that, if for ex they have a demanding full on job, they need time to recharge, regain their energy and going out in a crowd can deplete that person even more.

whats more to the point is that the DH is going out a lot, sometimes multiple times in a weekend. And the comment "better not" - like he's having his wings clipped, and having to stay at home just to keep the missus happy which is disingenuous. Makes you wonder if he should have stayed single.

Thank heavens for some common sense @Youhaveyourhandsfull

so many weekends away sounds exhausting to me

I am like the wife in this situation. In my case it’s because DD2 is going through a difficult time with her mental health and I can’t face socialising. I don’t feel like talking to DP’s friends about it and don’t have the energy to pretend everything is okay anymore, so I just stay at home.

My idea of hell on earth is being stuck with a crowd of people, and for a whole holiday 😱 I can just about enjoy a wedding where all the guests end up staying in the same hotel, but I know by the end of the weekend, that's my lot, time to go. I can't imagine socialising weekend after weekend with the same group of people, that would drive me nuts.

Im not naturally sociable although you wouldn’t guess it as at work I’m warm and friendly and chatty and an excellent listener same with social events. I need time to recover though as it drains me. Sometimes I make weekend plans as it sounds fun and then it rolls around and I just can’t face it tbh

It may be she doesn’t really like you guys, or is done in by the weekend or has other stuff going on. I’d just leave it tbh

Leave her alone. She is probably an introvert and likes to do her own thing. Not everyone wants to be joined at the hip with other people. She probably likes her own space and finds 'socialising' mostly a bore. There may be someone in the group she can't stand so keeps away. Lot's of reasons.

Puts me in mind of Russell Brand saying on TV he liked to see women’s mascara run when they gave him head.

There is every possibility this woman just wants to relax at home. But this accusation that the OP is nosy and interfering for caring (when the husband has made a slightly odd comment) is ridiculous.

I don’t think OP should call this woman asking what’s wrong or anything. But there is no harm in extending the hand of friendship, just seeing if she wants to get a coffee one on one. What if it turned out she was in a bad situation? And so many had said that OP should ignore it just because they personally think it’s likely the woman is fine. Nothing wrong with offering to be a friend. It doesn’t have to be done in a nosy or speculative way. It can be a standalone and very normal gesture and the woman is free to decline.

I’m the wife in this situation.

It could be for a number of reasons but there’s absolutely no need for you to feel concern for her op, as with respect, it isn’t any of your business. It’s her choice how she chooses to spend her time.

Unless of course you have grounds on which to suspect some sort of abuse? That would be totally different.

Otherwise, she could be an introvert, enjoy having the house to herself, have a creative hobby that requires a lot of peace and quiet, have an illness or mh problem she wants to keep private, or she dislikes someone in the group.

I'm the wife in this situation. I don't really understand the issue here, seems normal that someone wouldn't want to spend "most weekends" with a group that are her husband's friends rather than hers/mutuals from before the relationship. I like my husband's friends perfectly well and have a good time on the occasion I go out with them, but they're not my friends and I have no desire to spend a lot of time with them.

Yes if she’s thinking thank god I’ve got out of another night out with that group and then you try and initiate contact to check in on her she will be irked!

we are often slightly irritated/uncomfortable with things that are different to what we think is the norm , see it on here all the time - joint finances or not, how often people wash sheets. Is it that? She’s not doing what you all do or go out in a group?

if you do think he’s abusing her why are you hanging round with him?