Friend's wife hardly ever comes to anything

[SockSensation]

Clearly none of my business, but starting to feel concerned for her.

I have a small friendship group with a pretty active social life, including lots of long weekends away.

The core is 4 single people (2 men, 2 women) 2 married couples and a married man who almost always comes without his wife. At various times friends of friends will join us and obviously not everyone comes to everything.

Friend's DW is very welcome, when she does come she's sociable and appears to enjoy herself.

Mostly though he says she prefers having the house to herself and him going without her. This is most weekends, sometimes twice in a weekend, although he is aware when it's been several weekends in a row, and they do go off and do things as a couple fairly often too (no children). Sometimes he'll decline on a "better not" basis, but she'll tell him to come.

In the face of it, it seems a perfect realtionship, happy together but enjoying separate interests too, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but lately I feel like something's not right. I don't know her as well as him, but she's lovely and I'm a bit worried for her but can't place why.

FWIW, he is always perfectly well behaved when out with us and she has nothing to worry about on that front.

Is there anything I should do?

Maybe she has a chronic illness that flares like endometriosis, you've described me.

I would just rather run a bath and stay home but sometimes I had energy, but I never know how I would be.

Mostly though he says she prefers having the house to herself and him going without her.

What's wrong with this?! I love having the house to myself sometimes!

Oh, I also meant to say quite often she's coming, but will be "unwell" at the last minute.

Social anxiety, introvert, doesn't like his friends, they've had an argument, they're on the verge of splitting up and she feels awkward around his friends, he's having an affair, she's having an affair.... A million reasons but ultimately I don't really think it's any of your business OP!

They're an adult couple in an adult relationship - leave them be!

I would reach out to the wife, but suggest perhaps meeting for a coffee as it's been ages since you've seen her and you'd love to catch up if she fancies it.

What?!?! No don't interfere OP. It's none of your business.

Also I'm not sure an abuser would tell people he's "not a nice guy"!

Could you ask her to have coffee with you? - if necessary make some pretext about being in her area and suggest a coffee shop to meet in. She might welcome the chance to open up to someone who seems sympathetic and approachable. On her own, obvs, not with her DH.

I agree. I suspect he'd done something (or things) he wasn't proud of, but I doubt actual abuse.

My friends husband does this and we assume it’s because he doesn’t like spending time with us.

I'd believe her. She's not gonna obviously not enjoy being with you, that'd be rude, but it's not hard to imagine she prefers to do her own thing.

Yes, there is something you should do - it's leave her alone!

She clearly doesn't want DH's mates forced upon her. I'd hate it if it was expected that I'd spend every weekend with the other half's mates - feck that!

She probably has her own or, God forbid, she prefers a night in with a good book than being with you lot! Maybe she has a stressful job or is just an insular person? Maybe he is an absolute arsehole to her but, even if so, you hardly know her well enough to approach her.

Whatever the reason, you need to drop it. Stop mentioning it to him or asking if she's coming. If the truth is that she's just not that into you lot then you're putting him in a really awkward position. You have zero evidence he's the bad guy in all this. It's just all so gossipy and nosey.

Just leave them be. It's 100% not your business.

💯

I’m autistic and that would be exactly how I would act and be. I’d want to, likely enjoy it when there, but a lot of the time actually going out and being sociable would be too difficult and I’d say home with my cat instead (and be perfectly happy doing so).

Friend's DW is very welcome, when she does come she's sociable and appears to enjoy herself.

Yeah my DP is sociable and appears to enjoy himself when he's out with me and my mates too. It's called being polite and socially aware. But he would far rather be home watching his documentaries and having a glass of red wine.

Genuinely enjoys having time alone

Relationship on rocks

Illness they don't want to discuss

Work or personal stress and can't face seeing friends that aren't really hers

I'm sure you're lovely, nothing personal, but maybe you're not her type of people enough to become close friends in your own right. She shows face now and again and enjoys it well enough but doesn't want to come every time. I'm v fond of many of DP's friends but he has a group that fall distinctly into this category. I felt terrible about it for ages but now accept they're just not my crowd.

I'm guessing she's social and nice because she's a nice person... but who doesn't want to be with you all as often as you all get together.

Good god OP that is a lot of socialising! I couldn't deal with seeing my own friends that much never mind DH's.
I think my friends would describe me as life and soul of any party, I think i'm fun, can get on and chat away to most people but I love my own company and definitely need downtime at weekends, maybe the wife just isn't up for it that often

My partner is like the wife. He enjoys his alone time, the meeting with friends is quite intense and it lasts too long time. A 1.5h lunch is more doable. It is not relaxing for him. Where as to me my friends are "my people". Partner might feel like a dinner when agreed but won't when the night comes. He's not a person that can just suck it up and slap a smile on his face.

However, you sound worried. If you're quick to belive your friend is abusive then there must be something off? Can you reach out to the wife?

My dh has some friends that I have no intention of ever being in company with again. I'm not saying that's how she feels but for me I would never join on them anything again and haven't in seven years.
No big deal I just don't get on with them other wives

Some people are just introverted and don’t enjoy socialising as much, she may not be shy and enjoy socialising when she feels like it but usually she just wants to be at home doing her own thing. It could be she is introverted while her husband is more extrovert and needs to be around people more frequently.

Im an introvert and while I am not shy mostly I prefer my own company over that of others and social engagements every weekend sounds like a drag to me. My DH is also an introvert so we are happy enough to do our own thing due the day at the weekend and then cosy up in the evenings at home. If he was and extrovert and wanted to be going out I wouldn’t stop him. I’m also not above feigning illness to get out of social occasions I can’t be arsed with.

I don't got to things with my husband any more, because I'm trying to work out whether/how to bring up separation. I don't want to be with him any more than I have to, and I don't want to pretend everything's fine in front of other people. It feels hypocritical and the cognitive dissonance is hard to handle. He likes going out a lot and I don't. I realised I tended to go out to have an excuse to drink; since I mostly sobered up, I realised I don't actually want to go to most social events, I find them really difficult (late diagnosed autism that most people don't know about and wouldn't believe, as I used alcohol to mask it a lot). I love it when he's not here, I'm much happier being by myself at home.

All of which is to say, there might be all kinds of reasons she might not want to share with other people. If you wanted to check she's ok, that's a kind thing to do, but I wouldn't push it.

Maybe she thinks you’re all perfectly nice but not really her cup of tea. I would leave it.

I was the wife in a similar situation before moving away 8 years ago. Honestly, I didn’t really like them. They were boring to me. DH happily went out and met up with them, and I equally happily either met up with my own friends, or enjoyed my own company at home. There’s numerous non concerning reasons why someone might not want to spend time with their spouses mates.

I am also the friend in this situation with some of DH's friends.

DH works from home and I don't. At the weekend he just wants to get out of the house, whereas I like a bit of time to actually spend at home.

When I do go out with his friends they'd describe me as you have - engaged and sociable.

In reality I'm putting on a good front as I'm really not that keen on some of them but go along with it for DH's sake.

I see going to some of these things as my duty as his partner, but if I had the choice, I'd leave him to it and stay home and enjoy myself more! As a result he goes to most meetups on his own and I go occasionally.

DH will tell his friends that I have other plans though, not that I just want to stay home on my own!

She could be like me. I’m unwell a lot - lots of health issues. I go out when I can but will prioritise my friends rather than dh’s group. That’s not to say I dislike them but only go if not meeting up with my crowd.

Maybe she works? Maybe he's annoying and she wants 10 mins peace!