Friend's wife hardly ever comes to anything

[SockSensation]

Clearly none of my business, but starting to feel concerned for her.

I have a small friendship group with a pretty active social life, including lots of long weekends away.

The core is 4 single people (2 men, 2 women) 2 married couples and a married man who almost always comes without his wife. At various times friends of friends will join us and obviously not everyone comes to everything.

Friend's DW is very welcome, when she does come she's sociable and appears to enjoy herself.

Mostly though he says she prefers having the house to herself and him going without her. This is most weekends, sometimes twice in a weekend, although he is aware when it's been several weekends in a row, and they do go off and do things as a couple fairly often too (no children). Sometimes he'll decline on a "better not" basis, but she'll tell him to come.

In the face of it, it seems a perfect realtionship, happy together but enjoying separate interests too, and I can't quite put my finger on it, but lately I feel like something's not right. I don't know her as well as him, but she's lovely and I'm a bit worried for her but can't place why.

FWIW, he is always perfectly well behaved when out with us and she has nothing to worry about on that front.

Is there anything I should do?

Sounds like anxiety to me. I have it and get depleted really quickly in company, even if I am enjoying myself. I used to get hurt and annoyed when people didn't want to spend time with me, but now I realise they are the same and don't want to socialise because of anxiety and preferring their own company

I don't go out with my husband's friends because I can't stand most of them. Obviously on the rare occasions that I do have to go I am polite and friendly, but I don't want to put up with them more than once or twice a year, quite honestly.

Abusive narcissists actually tend to force their partners to socialise so they can up their "act" in front of other people. They need others to see them as a perfect, charming couple so they will never believe the wife if she attempts to leave the marriage. A victim of abuse is unlikely to be brave enough to insist on staying home if her partner insists otherwise.

That wasn't the case for my friend. Her ex husband was deliberately isolating her from our friendship group. He'd not pass on invites intended to be for the two of them or "get the dates mixed up" and call her when he was nearly there and too late for her to come too.

He did this for two reasons. To isolate her so it was harder for her to leave him (no-one to turn to for support), and also to set-up a "she's mental" narrative (he told us she wasn't coming along because she was struggling with mental health issues) - so if she left him he had a story to try to disprove her abuse claims.

He messed up though as he was violent to her at home and was eventually arrested. However despite that and what's come out since then, he's successfully managed to convince some of the friendship group. It's kind of split the group (and tbh I've lost respect for the ones who are happy to ignore the evidence and go along with his lies about his ex wife).

Spending that much time with that many people on weekends away is my idea of hell I'd much rather stay at home . I don't think it's odd at all

My DH has a group of friends connected with a mutual hobby, and much as I like them, if I go along to events or drinks down the pub, I end up being bored to death because all they talk about is said hobby (which I don't do), and about loads of other things & people also connected with hobby (old whatisname that they knew in 1978 or whatever). So I usually decline gracefully, but I do go occasionally to meet up with them, and when I do, we have a good time.

But I'd much rather stay at home. 🙂

My dh is more sociable than I am .I've definitely become more inclined to say no.to things mix of mh, some health issues which have impacted on my energy levels and also just only having so much I can give. I had a full on job involving so much talking to people as well .
I've got better at putting what I need and want first instead of just going along with everything arranged .
She might just be the same

I'm like the wife in this situation and tbh I'm not that into DH's friends. Yes, sometimes I will go and it's fine I enjoy myself, but often I just don't want to be bothered and it's nice to stay in and chill with the house to myself.

I would definitely be like her, should this become my situation.
How weird to jump into abuse here.

Sounds like a very intense friendship group.
Not only seeing, sounds like most, weekends, but weekends away.
That is a lot to handle. Even if you like the people.

Plus you being nosy like this.
Not everyone want this intense enmeshment.

Personally, I want, like and NEED weekends to mostly quiet to re-load batteries.

We’re all different, doesn’t mean anything sinister.

That.

Is there anything I should do?

Yes, let the woman be so she can live her life as she wants to. Don't intrude, speculate or invent scenarios in your head. She just doesn't want to come.

You could have written this about my BIL. He's autistic, like me, but he refers to himself as "high functioning". He's only "high functioning" because he doesn't socialise/hibernates at the weekends. If he didn't withdraw a bit socially he would burn out from work/socialising. I was late diagnosed. For years I had to pull out of social events last minute due to fatigue/social anxiety/over stimulation. We're both very grateful to the kind friends and family who "get it" and fed up of people who make us the subject of gossip or "oddballs". It's nothing but a low bandwidth for socialising.

This is an absolutely huge volume of socialising!!

There's nothing wrong with caring, and if you have some kind of gut feeling definitely keep your eyes peeled etc., but I think the most likely answer here is that she simply doesn't want to socialise with her partner's friends that much. I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to socialise with anyone that much.

I would reach out to her for a 1:1 catch up if you like her, she may enjoy the social side of things once she's there but there are plenty of people that find the thought of socialising in a group difficult, get 'stress' belly and end up unwell in the loo before they even leave the house.

She may well decline, and just be happy with the house to herself or her own groups.

My first thought would be she has an illness that she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about. I was similar in one of my relationships, had to cancel last minute all the time and only met my boyfriend’s friends a few times. I’m not sure how much he told them about my illness or if they just thought I was rude and avoiding them. It was a lonely time, perhaps you could reach out and offer to go and visit her if you like her? Although of course it could also be that she flakes out for better offers!

Why is it your business if your friends wife doesn't want to socialise as much as you do @SockSensation ? You are making an awful lot of assumptions and creating problems where there are none .

Leave her in peace.

You are not her friend, you are the husband's friend. I would find absolutely bizarre if you were to get in contact with me to enquire if everything is okay (if I were your friend's wife in this situation).

I would also wonder what my husband had been saying to you that you felt that you needed to get in contact to check on me...

@SockSensation are you usually this full on?

you have taken a comment from him and assumed that he might have done something bad. You are thinking she couldn’t possible just not want to socialise with you very often, so there must be something wrong. And implying things about your friend and his marriage.

Based only on her not wanting to socialise with HIS friends that much.

If anything, you contacting her and asking if everything is ok, will make her retreat more. Especially if she has social anxiety. You are attracting attention to the fact that she doesn’t attend. Letting her know it’s been noted and you are assuming things about her and her husband because of it.

And what if something is wrong? What if he has cheated, as an example? (I don’t think he has, he would have told you or not mentioned anything at all) what do you do with that information?

Flock to her side? Banish him from the friend group? Make the friend group take sides?

No

I have had this. I like to socialise but I honestly could not do stuff with a group every weekend, I would feel utterly drained. It would not be them - just 'being on' all the time. My DH is more sociable than I am - I do go to stuff but I just don't like having a packed social calendar. I also love having the house to myself - so often quite enjoy it when my DH goes out or away and I get that time alone.

People have commented on me - which to be honest I found annoying. I do socialise but I am a home bird and love my own company. I don't feel there is anything wrong with me.

Surely you're not suggesting the husband is abusing her just because she doesn't come...maybe she just doesn't like someone in the group and only just shows her face a few times or just doesn't like leaving her house...if she chooses not to join the. That's her choice ...if your that concerned then speak to her about it

Sorry if I’ve missed it (only skim-read) but the type of activity on offer might make a difference for this woman if she is anything like me. I am an introvert and I need a lot of time on my own. I do (sometimes) like social occasions but not too often. I’d be much more likely to go and meet people for a walk than I would a night in the pub. I find unstructured social situations where there is no activity quite difficult. Parties are the worst (unless they’re quiet outdoor daytime parties 😂) I also prefer social events which only last about two hours- certainly no more than three. I find socialising with my in-laws difficult as although I like them and enjoy seeing them, their meet-ups tend to go on for many many hours. 😴 After two hours, I am usually feeling very restless and keen to go home.

I have a small handful of friends who are an exception to this, in that I would spend more than a couple of hours with them, and would probably meet them in a pub if that was what the group decided. I think it’s just because we have known each other for such a long time and I find their company so very easy.

Good lord. It’s very hard for some people to contemplate that others might not enjoy their wonderful company as much. Of course it’s mental health issues, chronic illness and abuse. 🙄

She comes up with excuses before your meet ups because you’re so enthusiastically insisting that she’s so welcome and obviously worrying that something must be wrong if she’s not jumping on it. She just doesn’t want to be rude.

I’d be exactly the same as her, maybe joining DH once in a while but no way I’d doing this regularly.

She probably also thinks, as there is quite a diverse group of you - that if she doesn't attend she isn't letting people down. She could well be saving her socialising for smaller groups or 1:1 - where not going would potentially let people down and a lot of people find smaller groups much easier.

I would imagine your are the sort of person that likes to fill a lot of your time socialising or being with other people. There is nothing wrong with that either. I find it is this type that struggle to understand why others don't want to do the same.

The people I have had comments from have openly said they don't like spending time much time alone and prefer to have plans. To me there is often nothing better than a night home alone, cooking for myself - reading or watching something on tv.

Perhaps she doesn’t feel she has anything in common with you, and doesn’t want to use her free time mixing with you.🤷‍♀️

She may just have social anxiety or something / be an introvert and find socialising tiring

Bit confused why you are 'worried for her' though?

Could be me.
I have an invisible diasese. I often stay at home while my husband/children are out.
Doesn't make our marriage misable.