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Family 'ignoring' children after MIL died

135 replies

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:00

Not a mil bashing thread
I adored my mother in law, she was truly an incredible person. She was eager to become a grandparent, and I have two children, one of whom was born during the uncertain times of COVID. Because of social distancing, she couldn’t be as involved as she wanted.

During that year, she was diagnosed with cancer. Towards the end, as she faced her final days, she remained incredibly brave. She passed away last year, and her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

Her passing affected everyone deeply. I’ve made sure to keep her memory alive for the kids, talking about her almost every day. My sister in law, who cannot have children not by choice, has come to terms with this reality, while my father-in-law is still grieving deeply.
The absence of my mother-in-law and the regret that she couldn’t be with the kids has led them to make little effort to spend time with them. I often have to arrange visits, which sometimes get cancelled or met with a lack of enthusiasm.

My children are too young to fully grasp what’s happening, but they, too, are feeling the loss and are moving forward. I am deeply hurt and saddened, missing my mother-in-law and all the things she would have done with the kids. It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.

I apologise if I sound blunt, but I am at a breaking point after they cancelled yet another visit with the kides saying they want to “sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school, i would think he would want to reserve his time on the weekends with the kids.
I’m seeking advice on how to move forward without exploding in frustration and potentially saying something I might regret. We are all still grieving, but I thought they would want to be present for the kids' sake.

OP posts:
maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:02

how long ago did he lose his wife and your sil lose her mother?

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:05

I’m sorry, but they just don’t seem bothered. I think your mil, had she still been with you, would have been the driving force in keeping the relationship going. Your fil sounds as though he’s still mired in grief, think I’d be similar. Sleeping lots is frequently a sign of depression. I would respect his wishes.

What is your DH’s opinion on their lack of interest?

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:05

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:02

how long ago did he lose his wife and your sil lose her mother?

Op says last year.

Hoppinggreen · 26/08/2024 16:07

You can't force a relationship, sad as it might be.
I get that you miss your MIL but bluntly she has gone and so has any relationship you and your Dc had with her. It is up to your FIL and SIL to decide what they want their relationship to be with you and them going forward and it sounds like however much you may wish it they will not be stepping up into a similar role to MIL.
I am sure they miss her too and just may not want to socialise even with family just now, it may change and it may not and while its very sad you just need to accept it.

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:07

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:05

Op says last year.

a year is 12 months

WingingIt101 · 26/08/2024 16:08

Your MIL sounds lovely and like you had a wonderful relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.

My own SIL is 10 years younger and childless currently, but makes zero effort with us our our DC. Meanwhile my brother is childless by choice and makes huge effort to see and acknowledge DC.

5 years in and I've decided to stop stressing over it. I'm not going to invest energy in making you a part of my children's lives and they deserve the people in their lives who want to make the effort. I've been less upset and frustrated since.

If DH wants to push the issue and try to encourage a relationship then he can but that's between them.
I'm hoping it will also teach my children to prioritise those who prioritise them and to not chase one sided relationships.

I'd never speak ill of my SIL to them, I just no longer proactively encourage her as part of our lives as it was never reciprocated

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:08

sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school

i would be worried rather than pissed off

given you say he’s really struggled with the loss of his wife

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:09

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:05

I’m sorry, but they just don’t seem bothered. I think your mil, had she still been with you, would have been the driving force in keeping the relationship going. Your fil sounds as though he’s still mired in grief, think I’d be similar. Sleeping lots is frequently a sign of depression. I would respect his wishes.

What is your DH’s opinion on their lack of interest?

He is also fed up with them but would rather cut them off whereas I would still like a relationship with them since I'm no contact with my family due to abuse, which my in laws are aware of too, so with little to no family I would think they would put the extra effort in.

OP posts:
maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:09

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:09

He is also fed up with them but would rather cut them off whereas I would still like a relationship with them since I'm no contact with my family due to abuse, which my in laws are aware of too, so with little to no family I would think they would put the extra effort in.

he was like to “cut off” his still very profoundly grieving father?

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:10

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:07

a year is 12 months

Not sure of your point? OP says ’last year’, not a year/12 months.

HaveYouSeenRain · 26/08/2024 16:10

You can’t force a relationship. Maybe DFIL is depressed? Is your DH making an effort and seeing him alone sometimes?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2024 16:12

Women, particularly matriarchs, are often the glue that holds extended families together. FIL doesn't really care about DD, but does about DH. I don't mind. DD has lots of people that love her.

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:12

HaveYouSeenRain · 26/08/2024 16:10

You can’t force a relationship. Maybe DFIL is depressed? Is your DH making an effort and seeing him alone sometimes?

doubt it given this DH simply wants to cut off his grieving father

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:12

Hoppinggreen · 26/08/2024 16:07

You can't force a relationship, sad as it might be.
I get that you miss your MIL but bluntly she has gone and so has any relationship you and your Dc had with her. It is up to your FIL and SIL to decide what they want their relationship to be with you and them going forward and it sounds like however much you may wish it they will not be stepping up into a similar role to MIL.
I am sure they miss her too and just may not want to socialise even with family just now, it may change and it may not and while its very sad you just need to accept it.

What you said is exactly how I'm feeling.
Trying to articulate to them without putting salt in their wounds is another.
Even though they may not need my sympathy, I still am trying to think of their feelings.

OP posts:
Leafcutterantsarecool · 26/08/2024 16:12

I think you’re projecting your mother in laws wishes and things she enjoyed onto a grieving man who may simply be less interested in children than she was. It’s not his responsibility to somehow make up to your children for the loss of their other grandparent. Your child is very young and has lost a grandparent who by sounds of it was sadly unable to be central in their lives - your father in law just lost his life partner. This bereavement is not about your kids.

I think you’re grieving and you need to seek support from either your own family or professional counselling. It’s not fair to put this on your in-laws. Stop arranging all these visits which are only leading to disappointment.

Whats your DH got to say about all this? Isn’t it up to him to lead the relationship with his father and sister?

Cherrysoup · 26/08/2024 16:12

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:09

He is also fed up with them but would rather cut them off whereas I would still like a relationship with them since I'm no contact with my family due to abuse, which my in laws are aware of too, so with little to no family I would think they would put the extra effort in.

But they’re probably grieving, you can’t force the relationship. Why does your Dh want to cut them off? Because they keep cancelling? Seems harsh! Their relationship with your dc is probably the last thing on their minds right now.

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:17

WingingIt101 · 26/08/2024 16:08

Your MIL sounds lovely and like you had a wonderful relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.

My own SIL is 10 years younger and childless currently, but makes zero effort with us our our DC. Meanwhile my brother is childless by choice and makes huge effort to see and acknowledge DC.

5 years in and I've decided to stop stressing over it. I'm not going to invest energy in making you a part of my children's lives and they deserve the people in their lives who want to make the effort. I've been less upset and frustrated since.

If DH wants to push the issue and try to encourage a relationship then he can but that's between them.
I'm hoping it will also teach my children to prioritise those who prioritise them and to not chase one sided relationships.

I'd never speak ill of my SIL to them, I just no longer proactively encourage her as part of our lives as it was never reciprocated

I'm hoping it will also teach my children to prioritise those who prioritise them and to not chase one sided relationships.

Love this. And so so true.
I wouldn't care as much if it wasn't for my sil who's almost 50 but is trying to be a "vlogger" and preaches to her followers about how family is important and she loves being an Aunty etc.
Just goes to show how people believe anything on social media. I don't engage with her posts but I'm lurking.

OP posts:
maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:18

i cannot get my head around your dh simply wanting to “cut them off”

Ratherbeaspoonthanafork · 26/08/2024 16:19

Sorry for your loss. It could be any of number of things.

FIL could be feeling particularly down and depressed ATM and struggling. He is maybe worried he can’t cope with seeing the children being happy and it might remind him how much MIL loved them and he maybe worried he may cry in front of them.

Could you have perhaps retimed your visit to visit later on in the day or go for a shorter visit? Or could you or your DH perhaps have visited alone to chat with FIL without the kids and gauge the situation and give FIL one to one time.

Not sure where the childless sister in law comes into it does she live with FIL or could she possibly have had a miscarriage or does actually want children etc.

We got married late and some people made assumptions about whether or not we wanted children. My own sister and my DM were particularly cruel and insensitive after I had, had a miscarriage at 36 they said well never mind your probably too old for them anyway so its probably for the best and it upset me a lot.

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:22

HaveYouSeenRain · 26/08/2024 16:10

You can’t force a relationship. Maybe DFIL is depressed? Is your DH making an effort and seeing him alone sometimes?

He is depressed but my husband is also clinically depressed and also dealing with the loss of his mother and kids grandmother but is still carrying on

OP posts:
maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:23

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 26/08/2024 16:22

He is depressed but my husband is also clinically depressed and also dealing with the loss of his mother and kids grandmother but is still carrying on

well bully for him

his father meanwhile is struggling

maldensol · 26/08/2024 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

betterangels · 26/08/2024 16:25

My dad and his siblings don't particularly get on. After their mother died, they saw no reason to pretend anymore.

Grieving is also not linear. Maybe your family members can't deal with getting together right now.

Ratherbeaspoonthanafork · 26/08/2024 16:26

OP everyone deals with grief differently and is affected by it at different times.

I think I would seek some external support yourself (and encourage your DH and FIL to do the same if they aren’t already and don’t burn any bridges with your grieving FIL.

BarbaraHoward · 26/08/2024 16:26

A friend has recently been through similar - it's been very hurtful to her DH that his bereaved parent seemingly has little interest in his DC, literally cancelled seeing the grandkids to look after his sister's puppy. They're persevering and things seem to be improving a bit as his parent finds her feet.

It's still such early days, and if MIL was in that matriarch role the family dynamic will change. I think you need to give everyone time and space for that to settle down. The DC will be fine, it's the adults who need a bit of care.

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