Family 'ignoring' children after MIL died

[HeyNowDontDreamItsOver]

Not a mil bashing thread
I adored my mother in law, she was truly an incredible person. She was eager to become a grandparent, and I have two children, one of whom was born during the uncertain times of COVID. Because of social distancing, she couldn’t be as involved as she wanted.

During that year, she was diagnosed with cancer. Towards the end, as she faced her final days, she remained incredibly brave. She passed away last year, and her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

Her passing affected everyone deeply. I’ve made sure to keep her memory alive for the kids, talking about her almost every day. My sister in law, who cannot have children not by choice, has come to terms with this reality, while my father-in-law is still grieving deeply.
The absence of my mother-in-law and the regret that she couldn’t be with the kids has led them to make little effort to spend time with them. I often have to arrange visits, which sometimes get cancelled or met with a lack of enthusiasm.

My children are too young to fully grasp what’s happening, but they, too, are feeling the loss and are moving forward. I am deeply hurt and saddened, missing my mother-in-law and all the things she would have done with the kids. It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.

I apologise if I sound blunt, but I am at a breaking point after they cancelled yet another visit with the kides saying they want to “sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school, i would think he would want to reserve his time on the weekends with the kids.
I’m seeking advice on how to move forward without exploding in frustration and potentially saying something I might regret. We are all still grieving, but I thought they would want to be present for the kids' sake.

doubt it

Are you familiar with the circles theory of grief? Your DH supports his dad, you support your DH.

I actually can not believe you have written this. I lost my beloved father in law quiet tragically shortly after xmas one year. Was fine for the 1st 6 months then went into a downward spiral. Ended up walking out of my job one day quit on the psot and hid in my house for 3 months. No one knew i did this part from my husband and one friend, couldn't get out of bed. 6 years later i say i am just about getting right. My brother in law was angry beast exploding for for like 3 years. Couldn't talk to him. Everyone of us dealt with if differently. My own mother in law did do a clear out quite soon after of his clothes' etc but that was her way of dealing with it. Your family has been through something that is horrific, i would keep the lines of communication open, as you have all discovered life is short, you never know who you will loose tomorrow

Bluntly, you and your husband still have one another. Your FiL has lost the love of his life and his very best friend in the world. His entire life has fallen apart.

You and your husband have one another to lean on. I lost my father, then my mother. It was awful, but I coped. I had my husband.

I lost my husband. I didn't cope.

Yes, your FiL still has you and other family members but - I'm sorry - it's not the same.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. It's not up to your fil and sil to take up the reins of your late mil. It also can't be great for the kids to hear about their grandma every day. Keeping the memory alive doesn't mean keeping your children in a state of bereavement by talking about her every day.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. It sounds as though it was a hugely fulfilling and meaningful relationship that helped to heal some pain caused by your own family.

I quit my job recently so I could spend time with my kids as yes life is too short.
My fil wanted us to move in with him so we could keep him company, all his idea! so I enrolled my kids at the school near him and he was excitedly talking about renovations he wants done to the house and we said no no don't waste your money. Then the week after he starts sending us houses to move into in his area so we asked him he wanted us to move in with him still and he said yes but kept sending us houses to buy. Very mixed signals on my end.

Sorry to sound harsh but you are making this womans death all about you.
She was your MIL but she was other things to other people and you don't trump any of that.
I appreciate that you are probably feeling her loss because you have no family of your own but yours is largely a support role here

He wants to cut off his grieving father? Fuck me 🙄

His wife only died last year. This is not the time to make big decisions. Maybe he is giving mixed signals because he is beginning to realise that.

We were all told not to make life changing decisions like selling house etc in the 1st year after death, as grief will affect you in different ways. Like you are experiencing now. I suggest you and your husband get some counselling to understanding this all. A year is way too soon - you are all experencing it differently

Yeah he sounds a pretty horrible selfish son.

OP, I'm sure you don't mean to sound as self-absorbed as you do but isn't it your job to help your husband through this, without putting additional pressure on his father and sister? Their loss is greater right now.

I know you said you were close to your mother in law but it sounds very much as if it's all about you and your children and why aren't these grieving family members centre-ing you and your children?

It's not a competition but the Circle of Grief that PP posted is very apt. Your father in law and sister in law (and husband) are in the centre, receiving support rather than giving it.

This isn't AIBU by the way.
Moat definitely it's not up to them but posting all over social media with some facade about family is important from fil and all this aunty talk for the followers, then giving us mixed signals is playing with our emotions too.

You don't know us from a stick in a park but my kids bring her up and it's never sad things about memories of her or things she has left them that are lying around in their room or could be pictures or a book gift to them by her or another family member we don't just talk exclusively talk about their dead grandma. Again you don't know us though.

Itll still be very raw for FIL... Having the kids might bring back memories of his wife and he may be thinking how he cant do what MIL did with DGC. Id contact again, explain that they miss the family since MIL passed and want to see them, say you will stay with them so its not too much for FIL.give it a go xxx

You don't know us from a stick in a park

small mercies

I don't want to out myself too much, but losing your spouse is earth shattering.

I spent nearly 4 months apparently holding myself together* and accommodating my husband's middle-aged children. There was no real reciprocity. I was also expected to accommodate my husband's ex, in spite of the fact that she broke up the first marriage and is currently with her 4th partner.

The fact that it happened during lockdown inevitably made matters worse. (The kids told me they couldn't come to the funeral. Instead, their mother's boyfriend dropped her off to attend in their place. I was on my own before and after.) When I finally snapped four months later, I was cut off.

I'm glad that your FIL has his family. It will help to an extent, but it won't help the combination of fear, grief, gnawing anxiety that he's currently feeling. It's very early days for him. The man will not be coping at all.

Your FIL hasn't - so far as I can see - done anything to hurt you, other than not giving you the attention that you feel you all deserve. Cut the man some slack. For God's sake, don't cut him off. I understand why my husband's kids have cut me off. Your FiL has done nothing to warrant that. He doesn't deserve that treatment from you.

*Reality: apart from dealing with funeral arrangements, memorials, legacies, I spent the rest of my time sleeping as much as possible and literally screaming at four walls when awake.

You really really don’t like your SIL do you OP? quite a back story i imagine

Op I am sorry your are grieving. I am sorry everyone is in so much pain.

i lost my mum almost 3 years ago. Suddenly. Out of the blue. She was there and then she was not.

She was the glue that held us together. She died days before Christmas and Christmas isn’t the same. It won’t be ever again.

But life won’t be. Me, my Dad and my Brother and his family are still figuring out what our new normal is. Me and my Dad had a massive argument 2 weeks ago because we are still figuring things out. He feels I don’t contact him enough and my brother only contacts him when he wants something. I feel he doesn’t contact me enough, I feel that he doesn’t see my son (who he was incredibly close to) enough. And really, we are all just still in pain trying to figure things out.

My kids we both teens when she died. I need to be there for them. And it’s really bloody hard. But they are kids and they don’t have their Dad. Being strong for them has made my grief harder to deal with. Because I can’t just crumble. Your dh is an adult so it’s likely your FIL isn’t thinking of things the way I am for my kids. If they were adults I would have probably prioritised my own grief a bit more.

You want compassion from your FIL, but I don’t think you or your dh are showing compassion. I can recognise that my mum didn’t live here. My daily life has remained largely unchanged. My Dp is still here. I get up and the kids are here, to dogs need walking, uniform needs doing work needs going to. While she was my mum and I feel broken, I still have the same things to do. For my Dad he wakes up and she isn’t in bed, he gets up and makes coffee for one not two. He doesn’t need to do her washing. He doesn’t need check she had her tablets. He doesn’t need to see what she wants to do today. He has lunch alone, goes for a walk alone. Goes buys food shopping for just him. Cooks his dinner for one. Every minute of his day has changed. Because my mum isn’t there. He doesn’t sleep well. Sometimes up all night. Sometimes sleeping til 12

Grief is exhausting. I have never felt as tried as I have since mum died. But it’s not just tiredness. It’s not wanting to see people, or engage or try and be happy. My Dad feels that too. So if he isn’t feeling up to seeing people I get it. He wants to sleep. Or just be alone. Because he can’t put on a face for me or the kids.

This is why our new normal is taking time. Because no one feels normal and not everyone can hide it all the time.

Your family needs to work out a new normal. Not cutting people off because they aren’t grieving in a way you want or that’s works for you. It may not be the normal you want in an ideal world. But in an ideal world she would be here.

V. Defensive

Thank you. You've expressed this very well.

I was my husband's carer for many years. I spent so long battling to keep him alive. Once he was gone, I had nothing left.

This isn't AIBU by the way.

That doesn't mean you're not unreasonable.

You know that social media is a load of bollox right? Please stop reading it.

This xxx

Ignore the on-line stuff - it doesn't matter people you don't know will either see though it or not - it means nothing to your o your kids and it's winding you up.

Give your FIL more time - he may well just be very lost - maybe try and meet neutral places where if he turn up great if not the kids are not sat around waiting.