Family 'ignoring' children after MIL died

[HeyNowDontDreamItsOver]

Not a mil bashing thread
I adored my mother in law, she was truly an incredible person. She was eager to become a grandparent, and I have two children, one of whom was born during the uncertain times of COVID. Because of social distancing, she couldn’t be as involved as she wanted.

During that year, she was diagnosed with cancer. Towards the end, as she faced her final days, she remained incredibly brave. She passed away last year, and her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

Her passing affected everyone deeply. I’ve made sure to keep her memory alive for the kids, talking about her almost every day. My sister in law, who cannot have children not by choice, has come to terms with this reality, while my father-in-law is still grieving deeply.
The absence of my mother-in-law and the regret that she couldn’t be with the kids has led them to make little effort to spend time with them. I often have to arrange visits, which sometimes get cancelled or met with a lack of enthusiasm.

My children are too young to fully grasp what’s happening, but they, too, are feeling the loss and are moving forward. I am deeply hurt and saddened, missing my mother-in-law and all the things she would have done with the kids. It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.

I apologise if I sound blunt, but I am at a breaking point after they cancelled yet another visit with the kides saying they want to “sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school, i would think he would want to reserve his time on the weekends with the kids.
I’m seeking advice on how to move forward without exploding in frustration and potentially saying something I might regret. We are all still grieving, but I thought they would want to be present for the kids' sake.

Oh dear OP. That doesn't sound very healthy.

Your FIL will be feeling the loss of MIL more than you could imagine. My grandad was completely lost when my nan passed away and grieved until he died 2 years later. I wouldn't have expected anything from him.
You talk a lot about your grief in your post but not about how others are feeling. I'm sure your MIL meant a lot to you, however, her husband and daughter are going to be feeling the loss more than you. Maybe they need some empathy and understanding from you.

Your SIL has lost her mum and FIL his life partner. Everyone grieves differently and it sounds like they need time to themselves. Keep invitations light (we're in the area after shopping, shall we pop in for a cup of tea? Or we're having a bbq Saturday afternoon, shall we pick you up?) and stop being offended if they don't feel like it. It's not about you or your children, it's about how they're feeling right now. Your children are the centre of your universe but you can't expect everyone in your family to feel like that too.

There is so much talk about you, you and you in your posts. Not how others are feeling. It’s all about you.

You sound extremely lacking in compassion for everyone except yourselves.

Your post really isn’t about your MIL. Your problem seems to be with what you perceive as your SIL’s hypocrisy and your FIL seemingly not centering you in his life
to your satisfaction.

Each of your posts is more distasteful than the last, to me. It’s not your in laws’ job to make up for your own family’s actions, especially when they’re grieving a wife and a mother.

OP'S dh has lost his mum, he will be grieving badly too. On top of his grief he may feel his dad has abandoned him and his wife and kids. Emotions after a family death can be very complex.

@MissyB1 That is true. But the DH needs to get support from his wife, not his father. He should be giving support to his father, not making demands.

I'd engage with her posts. If she's vlogging on tiktok, stitch her video and request she stops referencing your children because she refuses to see them

I’m sorry for your loss, it must still be very raw. I mentioned depression earlier. I don’t think the fil is ‘just’ having a lie in, bless him.

Do NOT do this. This is someone who is grieving the loss of her mother and probably grieving not being able to have her own children.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm certain the man is suffering.

Actually father and son need to support each other. Perhaps Fil needs to remember his son has lost his mum. If I died I know my dh would want to be there for our adult DC.

More than aware. I was querying the poster I quoted saying a year when the OP said last year. I didn’t understand why the poster said 12 months/a year when that wasn’t specified. I absolutely wasn’t implying that fil should just merrily be over his wife’s death! 😢

@MissyB1 The FIL may have no one else to support him except his son. The son has his wife. Until you have lost a partner of many decades I think you do not really understand what it is like.

They are grieving and you want to play happy families when their integral member is missing. It's all very painful for them to see what she's missing out on as are they

Keep inviting them but make loose plans and don't over invest

I'm sure the FIL is aware of that.

I'd hazard a guess that the FIL's need is probably greater at this time. He's the one looking at an empty bed, an empty chair. Thank goodness, the son still has his wife.

I thought that I knew what it would be like when my husband died. I didn't.

From my own experience, I'd say that sometimes when a parent has died, particularly when the one left behind has been their carer, the younger family members still expect the remaining spouse to be strong. They don't understand that - particularly when you're older - you might have nothing left to give.

Have you ever heard ‘driven mad by grief’? It might sound histrionic, but I doubt fil is currently thinking straight. He might make rash decisions which he later regrets. People grieving are repeatedly told not to make any big decisions in the aftermath of their loss-think that’s pretty standard.

My mum talked about never leaving her house after my dad’s death and we left that topic absolutely alone until she was ready to discuss it except to tell her we supported whatever she wanted to do and could we source a gardener to help because 100ft of grass was too much for her!

I’m sorry, but you do sound a little intense, talking about everyday, and making them feel the loss, despite being young.

You also sound like you expect your sil to pick up the baton, and because they’re not invested in your children, are disrespecting your mil’s memories. The two aren’t connected. Theres no obligation for your sil to be a hands-on aunty, and her not visiting your children, doesn’t mean she loved your mil any the less. Same for fil. yes, it’s said that your kids didn’t get to spend any more time with your mil, but it’s not up to other relatives to fill the void.

Sorry for your family’s loss.

I'm sure you would want that, and I am sure he agrees with you. But the reality may be entirely different when the time comes, and the partner left may be absolutely flattened by grief. If they have had a long life together, the partner may well be elderly and less able to tackle the change and the grief. Of course children are sad and grieve their parent, but it isn't the same as losing a life partner and I think children need to be aware of this and act accordingly.

I think you have really high expectations of your fil and sil.

You clearly don't like your sil.

Your fil is grieving.

You need to give them space.

And stop stalking your sil. You are just riling yourself up more.

I think you are taking your grief out on them.

An your DH considering cutting off his family is gross. Really really gross.

@WearyAuldWumman
Im sorry you lost your husband, i.can feel the pain in your post of how it felt at the time ongoing. ♥️ Sent xxxx

Thank you very much.

And I assume your adult DC are caring and understand how utterly life shattering it is to lose a spouse?

Your adult DC likely have their own partners, children, lives to go back to. Which help as a distraction. When your dh life changes completely due to the death of his life partner, so every minute of everyday is different and alone would you expect them to be compassionate to your dh, or be considering cutting him off?

Your posts are so honest and raw. I hope the OP reads them. I'm very sorry for your loss.