Family 'ignoring' children after MIL died

[HeyNowDontDreamItsOver]

Not a mil bashing thread
I adored my mother in law, she was truly an incredible person. She was eager to become a grandparent, and I have two children, one of whom was born during the uncertain times of COVID. Because of social distancing, she couldn’t be as involved as she wanted.

During that year, she was diagnosed with cancer. Towards the end, as she faced her final days, she remained incredibly brave. She passed away last year, and her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

Her passing affected everyone deeply. I’ve made sure to keep her memory alive for the kids, talking about her almost every day. My sister in law, who cannot have children not by choice, has come to terms with this reality, while my father-in-law is still grieving deeply.
The absence of my mother-in-law and the regret that she couldn’t be with the kids has led them to make little effort to spend time with them. I often have to arrange visits, which sometimes get cancelled or met with a lack of enthusiasm.

My children are too young to fully grasp what’s happening, but they, too, are feeling the loss and are moving forward. I am deeply hurt and saddened, missing my mother-in-law and all the things she would have done with the kids. It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.

I apologise if I sound blunt, but I am at a breaking point after they cancelled yet another visit with the kides saying they want to “sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school, i would think he would want to reserve his time on the weekends with the kids.
I’m seeking advice on how to move forward without exploding in frustration and potentially saying something I might regret. We are all still grieving, but I thought they would want to be present for the kids' sake.

Your fil sounds depressed and your ail has her own struggles not been able to have children and has lost her mother. This is not about you op but their own struggles they are facing.

What stands out is your expectations of these people. You need to readjust them

They don’t have to see you and your kids on a regular basis - they have a new reality and they are adjusting to it.

Step back and stop looking in their direction.

Invite FiL to yours for lunch once a fortnight or monthly

I’ve not RTFT but you need to all take a step back and breathe. You’ve lost your MIL, they’ve lost their wife and mother.

Your FIL is grieving deeply, after Covid and cancer it’s been a pretty tough time for him. Don’t cut people off, don’t force your kids onto people.

Give each other space.

It’s only playing with your emotions because you are watching it.

In the 4 years since mum died I have been promoted in my job twice. I took only one full day off. Because I felt completely out of control and working helped. I could wfh so worked at least some most days. I attended teams meeting and carried on. One person I am fairly close to at work didn’t know until he phoned me in the new year and asked if I had a good Christmas. I had many meetings and he hadn’t picked up that there was something wrong.

I created a different person for work. That person wasn’t grieving. Wasn’t screaming inside. Wasn’t angry that the world kept turning. They were put together and focused, they waived off sympathetic ‘how are you?’.

No one knew I came home and we lived in take away because I could get myself to function enough to do a proper food shop. Or even think of what to cook. That I started having to write down a list of morning jobs, so I wouldn’t forget to feed the dogs or put the bins out. That I would cry on the drive home, then in the shower, then in bed every night.

The me that shows up to work is show. It’s not real. Social media already isn’t real, she is putting on an act. Anyone who is a vlogger, influencer etc are all putting on acts. But she also had the additional layer of also dealing with her own mums death.

If it’s upsetting you or making you angry. Stop watching. Then stop judging. You are playing with your own emotions.

There is nothing worse than being unable to see past your own perceived importance of your children and their needs. And I say that with love, because of courses we all prioritise our children, and so we should.

But your MILs relationship with them isn't your FILs relationship with them, nor can it be compared to any other family members bond with them. They are grieving, and it would be ideal if they had the mental energy to strengthen the bonds with your kids, but the fact is that they don't at present.

Love comes in many forms and can often weather terrible events. But not always in a linear fashion. Hopefully they will come round with time. Just be understanding and leave the door open to them without pressure. And if they don't, continue to treasure the relationship they had with NIL without sullying it with comparisons if what could or should have been, elsewhere. And again I say that with love, it's all so hard and life is so short.

I created a different person for work. That person wasn’t grieving. Wasn’t screaming inside. Wasn’t angry that the world kept turning. They were put together and focused, they waived off sympathetic ‘how are you?’.

No one knew I came home and we lived in take away because I could get myself to function enough to do a proper food shop. Or even think of what to cook. That I started having to write down a list of morning jobs, so I wouldn’t forget to feed the dogs or put the bins out. That I would cry on the drive home, then in the shower, then in bed every night.

So awfully relatable. I'm sorry.

Bang on reply x

I’d assume they’re still grieving, if she’s as lovely and positive as she sounds they’ll be finding life difficult. My dad was the light of the family and I literally sleepwalked through the years following his death

My goodness try your husband dying and none of that side of the family ever bothering again. As that’s what happened to me. The blunt reality is that when your mil died the family dynamics changed. She was probably the driving force keeping everyone in touch etc . She’s not here anymore so the other ones don’t have to co operate. Same as in my family they were in touch because of my husband now he’s not here they don’t want to make the effort to see the children, he was always the one that visited everyone not the other way round. Your children won’t be as affected by this as you think as you said they will move forward.

I think you have to readjust your expectations. Yes it would be nice if they were interested in your children but they aren't in the way that you want. So you need to change what you expect.

My MIL died 15 years ago. FIL since then is a shell of his former self. We have two little children and he isn't particularly interested, he has never been to visit, never rung on birthdays etc. But we go to him every couple of months, the children love him, he endures us for a couple of hours. You can see he's never moved forward in his grief.

My mum died a few years ago. My dad couldn't be more different. He has thrown himself into his grandad role. They adore him. But I think that's his way of dealing with it.

You cannot make someone want to spend time with you, but I would gently encourage your DH not to blame his family members or be angry towards them. They are who they are and you just need to respect that. Very sorry for the loss of your MIL.

I think this is so true, it tends to be the women that bring the family together. I had a similar experience & I know my MIL would have been a brilliant nan but sadly my FIL showed very little interest, I don't think he would have been this way if my MIL were still here.

Sorry, but this is really, really not the same thing. When my DM died, my DSis and I grieved profoundly - and still are grieving to a large extent 4 years later. But it’s absolutely nothing compared to the devastating, life-altering grief and depression experienced by our dad, who’d lost his parter, support and constant companion of 60+ years. The ‘he doesn’t care about your kids, cut him off’ responses on here are unbelievable. The man was bereaved last year, FFS!

Women are undoubtedly the glue that holds many families together, OP, and your MIL sounds like she was lovely. Please don’t cut your FIL adrift. You’re all hurting, and it can definitely be a time when tensions are exacerbated, but don’t make rash, life changing decisions at such a difficult time x

I don’t think it’s the same thing tbh, you expect to lose your parents at some point. For some couples losing a spouse can be like losing a piece of yourself. Everything about your life changes.

He HAS to carry on for HIS kids, unfortunately other family members don't have to carry on for other peoples kids.

I've lost my father and two siblings in a short space of time and have seen so many different ways that people grieve up close and personal, and how people deal with things differently.
You cant judge your ILs the same as your DH in regards to how they are with your kids.

I’m sorry you lost someone who seems to have wanted to be a grandmother very much. It’s natural to feel sad that your DC have lost that potential for a close, loving relationship. I think you need to separate sadness and feeling of loss from how you’re feeling about your FIL and SIL. It really isn’t their job to fill that gap that your MIL left and it’s not fair to expect them to.

Yes, it would be great if they were proactive and involved with your DC’s lives but it sounds like that’s just not who they are. You said your MIL was desperate to be a grandparent not your FIL. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. Maybe they’re just not very child centred. Maybe your MIL was the one who organised things and brought the family together. Just because they can’t have the relationship you’d prefer with your DC doesn’t mean they can’t have a relationship with your DC. If they’re rude or unkind that’s one thing but especially a year after they lost their mother/wife, it sounds extreme to consider cutting them off.

Your children will grow and you might find your FIL has more connection with a 8/9 year old than with a toddler. Even a fair weather Aunt who pops in once or twice a year with presents can be a great joy to children.

Your FIL lost his wife; being widowed is a much larger loss than losing a MIL. Try thinking of his needs, not wanting attention from him.

@HeyNowDontDreamItsOver

First thing I'd do is to stop following/lurking on SiL's SM. Why would you even want to see whatever it is that she's posting? "What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve over". If it's upsetting or angering you, just don't look, because it certainly isn't bothering her. Don't waste your emotional energy on such negative feelings.

As far as them having less/no contact with your DC, who knows why that is? MiL being the 'glue'/facilitator and they just can't be bothered or if it's just plain grief paralyzing them. But the fact is that no matter what it is, you have no real control over it. You've tried facilitating it, they cancel on you. So again, why cause yourself pain by butting your head against that particular stone wall?

Step back, release that negative emotion, and do what you can. Cherish your memories, share those memories with your DH, and then pass them on to your children. My paternal grandparents died before my parents even married, but my dad made sure we 'knew' them through stories of his childhood. Your memories of your MiL will bring her to life for your children and they will know how much she cherished them.

Often when that 'family facilitator' dies, new traditions and habits are born. Those new traditions and habits become just as cherished as the old ones as the years go by. Certainly that was true in our family as we lost our own parents. We kept the traditions we could and made new ones to replace those we couldn't. I hope my own children do the same when I am gone.

So sorry for your loss ❤it sounds like you had a very rough time xx

Thank you. That's very kind.

Me neither. It says more about him and op, than their FIL.

@HeyNowDontDreamItsOver as a mother who lost an adult child under 40, we struggled to support ourselves while supporting her bereaved children and husband!! 4.5 years on and the children are only now coming out the other end. they were only 9 and 11 when their mother died. we did not expect to have to bury our daughter but it is what it is. cancer takes no prisoners!! you have no idea what real grief is! I lost my mother, my sister and my daughter all within 13 months!!!!

I think you sound rather cold hearted to be honest. I was widowed back in 2016, married for 26 years, and I expect your IL's were married for a lot longer. Losing your spouse is like being hit by an express train but with nobody there to scrape you off the tracks and put you back together again. Many widows and widowers wish they could just die quite frankly because the pain and longing for their life partner is too unbearable to live with. He only lost her a year ago! They say that memories help. Well, they don't. They actually (more often than not) make it worse because they are a stinging reminder of what you no longer have and also that the very person you want to share them with no longer exists.

I could hardly get out of bed for the first year of widowhood let alone be happy clappy jolly around young children. Give him a break and try to have some empathy.

Exactly.
I wouldn't be interested in being happy jolly around children at any time.
Reacting to the last post.

I think perhaps if you are talking about your MIL every day they may not be ready for it.

You need to step back and let them grieve without demanding time for your dcs.

I absolutely get that everyone grieves differently, however your FIL has lost his wife. There is a huge difference between losing a parent and a life partner and being left alone.

How much has your dh supported his dad during this massive change in his life? Your dh still has his family unit, you, his children. Your FIL is now alone, grieving the person he was closest to, that was there day in day out, and now spends most days alone for hours and hours on end feeling his own mortality.

When we lost our dad we were visiting mum and supporting her 2-3 days a week each for the first year or so until it was clear she was standing on her own two feet a bit better. We made sure she saw someone face to face most days of the week, we didn't take the dc, had it as adult time where she could talk about things she wanted to and took her out at least twice a week to give her a change of scenery. dh was very supportive and made sure he was back from work on time to feed the dc while I headed out for dinner at mums, she loved having us visit and make dinner as it gave her a purpose and cooking for 2 is much better than cooking for 1.

You and your dhs energies would be much better spent stopping putting your MIL on a pedestal when you still have a FIL here who desperately desperately needs your help.

Sorry for your loss, but the living, and widowed, are more important.