Family 'ignoring' children after MIL died

[HeyNowDontDreamItsOver]

Not a mil bashing thread
I adored my mother in law, she was truly an incredible person. She was eager to become a grandparent, and I have two children, one of whom was born during the uncertain times of COVID. Because of social distancing, she couldn’t be as involved as she wanted.

During that year, she was diagnosed with cancer. Towards the end, as she faced her final days, she remained incredibly brave. She passed away last year, and her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

Her passing affected everyone deeply. I’ve made sure to keep her memory alive for the kids, talking about her almost every day. My sister in law, who cannot have children not by choice, has come to terms with this reality, while my father-in-law is still grieving deeply.
The absence of my mother-in-law and the regret that she couldn’t be with the kids has led them to make little effort to spend time with them. I often have to arrange visits, which sometimes get cancelled or met with a lack of enthusiasm.

My children are too young to fully grasp what’s happening, but they, too, are feeling the loss and are moving forward. I am deeply hurt and saddened, missing my mother-in-law and all the things she would have done with the kids. It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.

I apologise if I sound blunt, but I am at a breaking point after they cancelled yet another visit with the kides saying they want to “sleep in" on Saturday instead, this coming from my fil who is retired and can sleep in all week while the kids are at school, i would think he would want to reserve his time on the weekends with the kids.
I’m seeking advice on how to move forward without exploding in frustration and potentially saying something I might regret. We are all still grieving, but I thought they would want to be present for the kids' sake.

She was the glue. We had Christmas without her last year and I think it was particularly hard on everyone as she usually is the one planning on that side, and that's where the usual visits were scarce assuming that the kids being happy etc is a reminder of her not being here to be here with them.

My MIL also openly admitted to being desperate to be a grandmother and our kids were her only grandchildren. She adored the children, though we live an hour's drive apart and we saw her and FIL about once per month, for a full day, and in addition they'd have two of the children at a time (all three were two much) overnight once in most school holidays and they came to all their birthdays etc. She also died before her time from cancer, although she had more time with her grandchildren, who were 5, 7 and 9 when she died (before the pandemic).

My Fil used to be a devoted, hands on grandfather alongside MIL and for the year after she died he leaned heavily on us and took a lot of comfort from the kids, came to our house a lit, and even had the older two to stay overnight once.

A year after she died he seemed to suddenly "move on", sold and gave and threw away all MIL's stuff and everything from his adult children's childhoods and the family house moved to the other side of the country, and we barely see or hear from him any more - he likes to visit at Christmas because his friends also spend Christmas with family and he likes to have photos of himself the kids from Christmas 🤔 but otherwise he forgets their birthdays, graduations, etc. etc. and is almost never in touch.

We have more contact with one of DH's siblings than before, partly because he was openly not keen on children but he and his partner has actually developed a much more positive relationship with our eldest and her partner since they became adults, and they visit one another... The other sibling also has no children but used to be very good with the kids but has no interest at all any more and has also all but disappeared.

Sometimes one individual is the lynchpin and when they're gone an extended family disbands, effectively. It's fairly common. We have had no family near enough and interested enough to be involved much for years now, but it's okay - you make your village from friends and neighbours.

I'm afraid this happens a lot but it's disappointing. I wish you luck - try to come to terms with the reality and build a support network of people who are not blood relatives instead.

Yep, pretty disgusting.

Grief can absolutely paralysing. Perhaps in time they will show more interest in your children, perhaps they won't but please show a little compassion for them all.

I think you need to slow way down. It isn’t long since she died and it sounds like she was the one who held the family together. People are still adjusting to her loss and to the new family relations. People grieve differently and in different timescales. Drop the irritation that people aren’t behaving as you would like and just go with the flow for a good while longer. Let people breathe without your expectations.

Where's the compassion shown to us? Aren't they essentially cutting us off too by being distant?

You and DH are not sounding very empathetic. Your in laws are struggling with a very sad loss.
I think you need to just back off a bit and dial down the expectations.
Keep offering meet ups and short visits but you really need to be a bit more understanding if they feel they can’t make it. They are grief stricken and depressed. I think you need to be careful here as you’re moving towards some rather drastic reactions that can’t be undone and will be regretted for a long time.
It is unhelpful to compare their grief with your DH. Everyone manages differently. Cutting off his father right now would be a terrible idea. Your Mil would be heartbroken.

This. Cut them some slack. Grief affects different people differently. One of my friends was running extreme ultramarathons within a month of his wide dying at 49, but could barely hold a conversation.

He is depressed but my husband is also clinically depressed and also dealing with the loss of his mother and kids grandmother but is still carrying on

This is a really unfair comment. Your FIL has lost his wife and life partner. My mum is still deeply deeply grieving my dad after several years.

You may want your kids to be prioritised above all else, but FIL obviously isn't able to do that right now.

Your kids having lost their GM is nowhere near the loss of FIL.

I think you are showing very little understanding of what it is like to lose a partner you have been married to for many years. The whole thread is about you and your children, what you want, how you and they feel.
Not everything is about you and your children.
Maybe your FIL knows you do not really care about him as a person. All you care about is his role as a grandparent to your DCs?

Just because your DH is coping it doesn't mean the rest of the family can or should follow suit. Grief affects people differently. Some bereaved people may find comfort in grandchildren, others may not.

Take your cue from them, let them find their own way. Your FIL's life has been torn apart, just go easy on him.

"Exploding in frustration" at a grieving husband / daughter would be extremely unkind.

OMG

no words

Op… you and your DH? made for each other

TBH I think you need to respect your FIL’s wishes. Not everyone can cope with children when they are under stress or suffering depression, he literally might not be able to cope full stop and just wants to be left alone to work through his grief. I think this is what he’s trying to tell you, and honestly I think you should listen.
FIL is not obliged to do anything ‘for the kids sake’, he probably doesn’t have the energy or inclination. Respect his and your SIL’s wishes and give them space.

OP you sound like one of my siblings. My only role in life is to be an Aunt to their children. They do not actually give a fuck about me and my family, what is happening in our lives, or how tough things might be for us. Its always about them and their children. It is an incredibly hurtful attitude.

My fil has already given away all of her possessions to charity shops and is just hanging on to the house they built.
The house is too big for him and I'm estimating he will sell up and move to an apartment.
I still like to keep in touch with him. He has been my father figure since I was 19 and he's a very nice man who is obviously grieving as are we. I guess everyone handles grief in different ways.

her only fear was that her grandchildren might forget her.

it would not have been her only fear OP

her husband?

her single daughter?

Also sleep in might be code for can not get out of bed because of depression.

Her son (who now wants to cut his dad off)

I guess everyone handles grief in different ways.

Indeed OP

Indeed

OP its not that everyone handles grief in different ways. It is that he has lost the woman he loves and has spent nearly every day with for years.

We are all still grieving,
You have said it but you seem to have forgotten we all grieve differently and for different periods of time. That is his wife you are talking about. He could be severely depressed.

It seems like my in-laws don’t share the same commitment to spending time with them.
Well who would have thunk we aren't all a homogeneous group just because we are family. Why do you expect these two to have the same thoughts, needs and desires as MIL? Are you a thought twin with your parents? I doubt it.

If your loving DH wants to cut off his grieving father then I suggest there is something else that you aren't mentioning or your DH isn't a particularly nice person. Maybe your FIL realises his son isn't that nice a person and can't face him due to grief.

If your husband dies first you will suddenly realise how crass and unempathetic you were.

I lost my husband 3 yrs ago. For the first two years I hid away from the world by sleeping as much as possible.

The problem might be bereavement depression?

That is a terribly selfish viewpoint. I lost my dad 2 years ago, my parents were together 59 years. The toll on my mum was terrible, it still is. Losing the person you spent much of your adult life with is agonising. I get that you loved your MIL but yours, and your children's loss, is not remotely comparable to that of your FIL and his children.

Try to stop thinking about you and the kids and have a little empathy.

I love kids, I love spending time with them and playing and I'm the first to volunteer to babysit.

I lost my partner a few months ago and I just can't cope being around kids at the moment. I just feel overwhelmed and over stimulated and weepy. I know it will pass eventually but I've been avoiding spending time with any family or friends kids until it does.

Grieving has a profound affect on your ability to relate to other people and it doesn't pass quickly. It sounds like he's just not ready to dive back into normal life yet.

Maybe try short flying visits where he can just be in the same room as them with no responsibility for them once he starts to show some interest and build up from there rather than trying to plan big long days.

@Cherrysoup last year is still incredibly recent.
And for many people the second year is hardest.
FIL may not want to see the kids because he literally can't fake being happy. No one wants to upset young kids by crying or being very down.