Ugly girl privilege

[pinkfeathers2]

We have all heard of 'pretty privilege' but I came across a video about 'ugly girl privilege' and I realised that's what I have.

In theory, it means you are not attractive to the male gaze, so you can comfortably have interactions and friendships with men without them later trying to have a relationship with you. It doesn't necessarily mean you are 'ugly', but you are not attractive to what society (ie. Male perception) says is beautiful.

It's not about not being catcalled or getting creepy attention (which no woman wants), as that is more about men showing off to each other /intimidating women, and all women of all ages sadly suffer that. It's about being fancied and desired by normal, general men.

I have had lots of male friends through work and while I think they liked me platonically, that's all it ever was. I am not 'one of the boys' either. When I have been out with other women, they have received male attention whereas I never did.

I'm at a point of my life where I don't care anymore, and I while I tried to change my appearance in the past, I know dress and present in a way I'm comfortable. But it's interesting to see there is a name for it and wondered if anyone else shares my experience I suppose?

No not really I think im average looking but anytime I'm single or not for that matter men try it on. I do have male friends but most of them I have some kind of history with

Sorry, that is not 'ugly girl privilege.' That is 'average girl privilege'. Ugly girls do not have the privilege of being fancied and desired by normal, general men.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying?

We have all heard of 'pretty privilege' but I came across a video about 'ugly girl privilege' and I realised that's what I have.

You're saying you have 'Ugly Girl Privilege' but there is no such thing, it is a complete misnomer.

I think I’ve seen the video you’re talking about and personally I don’t think any woman is safe.

Most men will try and have sex with anyone if the situation calls ie horny, desperate or in close proximity to the woman. They just won’t shout it from the rooftops if the woman is seen as less than attractive, even if he’s unattractive himself because he’ll get ribbed by the bro’s.

Also I think you’re confusing what ‘Catcalling’ ‘Sexual harassment’ entail’s,
it also consists of shouting insults and abuse at women, because they are still judging/eying up her body just as much as when they do it to women they want to sleep with.

Both are extremely scary and de-humanising for women, as they are being reduced to mere objects.

Calling it 'Ugly Girl Privilege' is quite hurtful to those of us who have genuinely suffered from being ugly.

I suffered horrendous bullying in my teenage years over how I looked, so I know about that all too well.

Then I am surprised you're giving this airtime. If she'd called it 'average girl privilege' that would be reasonable. Calling it 'Ugly Girl Privilege' is appropriating something that is a genuine blight on some women's lives, not just in the teenage years but indefinitely, for clicks. That disgusts me.

I’m not allying myself with OP but it reads to me like you are misunderstanding her position. To be fair that’s probably because her wording in the bit you’ve quoted is ambiguous — I think she left out a “not”

OP is flipping the notion of “privilege” to say that it is a privilege not to be fancied in the ordinary way. Framing something that is often assumed to be a negative (i.e., not being even respectfully fancied by men) as a positive, because it means that these theoretical “ugly girls” get to interact with men on more equal terms as unsexualised humans.

I agree with the OP. I have never been harassed, catcalled or even considered simply based on my appearance.
It was cold comfort in my teen age, now it doesn’t matter anymore so whatever.

But we don't. We get strange men calling us 'ugly' in public places; the idea of having to walk past a group of men is terrifying because one of them is bound to say 'that one's yours' or similar to his mates. A whole occasion can be ruined after spending hours trying to look even vaguely reasonable when some man makes dog noises at you as soon as you arrive at the venue.

Men, even ugly men, are desperate to disassociate themselves from ugly women lest, horror of horrors, someone might mistake them as being desperate enough to fancy them. So they don't want ugly women as mates.

I think the term is stupid. It's not a privilege to have most (all?) "normal" people find you too unattractive to be taken seriously as a potential romantic interest.

It's certainly true that attractive women suffer from having no, or very few, genuine platonic friendships with straight men. But that doesn't make the opposite of that a "privilege". The term annoys me for two reasons. First, male friendship isn't a privilege. Why on earth is being friends with men so much better than being friends with women, that it's considered a privilege? Second, romantic experience of some sort is a pretty basic human desire, and generally one of the sweeter parts of life. Of course it isn't a privilege to have significantly reduced opportunities for this.

Men don't have friendships with ugly women.

They don't consider ugly women worthy of their time.

There will be outliers of course but I don't think "ugly privilege" is a thing.

Men especially like to be friends with women they'd like to fuck but they will also be friends with women they have something in common with who happen to be average or passable or nondescript looking.

Disclaimer: If an ugly woman happens to have an amazing personality e.g. exceptionally loud or very, very funny, they may make an exception as she will be adopted as one of the lads. "Normal" ugly women will be ignored.

Yes that's what I meant @AllTipAndNoIceberg, sorry for any confusion.

ugly privilege isn't a thing outside of vapid, stuck up childish men who just want trophy wives.

judging yourself as 'ugly' based on the opinion of that kind of arsehole is pointless.

• from a fat, disabled 43yo who's never had an issue finding someone who fancies her.

This is bullshit. All women have had their fair share of creeps, rapos and predators follow them around. Even those of us who are ugly or average. In fact, when I was younger, I’m sure I was intentionally targeted by men who knew I had low self esteem due to my looks and was therefore vulnerable.

There is no privilege in being ugly.

I don't think this is ugly girl privilege. It's ageing out so that you are seen in the 'mother' bracket rather than the 'girl' bracket. You begin to be treated more like a mum than a potential girlfriend.
I'm objectively plain, so I've been used to all the unpleasant side of not being good looking - all the 'don't fancy yours much' etc etc, but now I've fallen into the 'mum' bracket I find I am being treated much better by men.

Why do men make dog noises at women they don’t fancy, and cat noises at those they do?

I doubt there's much privilege in being perceived as 'ugly' by either men or women.

I'm not ugly but I have resting murder face privilege AND invisible girl privilege. Used to upset me when younger but trying to lean into it more as I age and age and age.

In my head.
Im a stunner im absolutely gorgeous honestly men want me women want to be me.

But in reality im invisible and couldent care less im to busy having fun.

I do think there is something in this actually. I have always been able to have healthy friendships with boys/men throughout my life because I knew I was unattractive, so both they and I knew that nothing was expected on either side. Bloody awful on the self esteem, but looking back I can see that I was able to focus on excelling academically, building good friendships etc rather than the whole ‘does he like me’ element of school/university.

Now at 38 I don’t give a flying fart whether anyone fancies me or not, and actually that’s really liberating. I’m losing weight to be healthy, not be attractive, I dress for comfort not for others etc. My three younger siblings have always been very attractive, and are all struggling mentally with their looks ‘fading’.

Now that the OP’s got me thinking about this, I’m wondering about my DDs. They’re objectively good looking (have had many a comment about how pretty they are, said in a vaguely surprised tone), with my colouring and eyes but everything else from my siblings/DH. I wouldn’t want them to spend their teenage years with crippling self-esteem issues but equally I don’t want them consumed by relationship drama.

I wonder if we as a society will ever get to a point where looks are of low relevance and so self-worth etc isn’t tird to how you appeal to others?

Being ugly or even just average is not a ‘privilege.’ It doesn’t open doors or stop doors being slammed into your face. Maybe there are a few specific situations which happen less to ugly women, but not enough to make them privileged.

I am ugly, bullied throughout school for the way I look. Boys used to be cared by their mates to ask me out for a joke. I’ve had one relationship and I’m now in my late 30s, been single over 15 years. I’ve still been raped. I’ve still been cat-called, groped, assaulted and sexually harassed., I’ve still had male friends try it on with me. Unfortunately I think being ugly has meant I’ve had more negative sexual experiences than the average woman, the only men who would ever show interests always turned out to be creeps, perverts or abusers. I think they knew I wouldn’t be getting interest from anyone else and so was an easier target. It’s not a privilege to have men think you’re worthless because of the way you look, it doesn’t mean they leave you alone, they still approach you and try to sleep with you, it just means they treat you like a piece of worthless shit when they do.

I think it's nice to try to reframe it positively in this way...but, personally, as someone who has never been catcalled, chatted up, flirted with, whistled at, I don't see it as "privilege".

For a start, I've been jeered and sworn at by men in the street instead. And, while I've had some male friends, as soon as another female is present I'll be ignored.

Alongside that come all the very well-researched things a woman who isn't conventionally attractive misses out on, such as promotion, or actual jobs.

It's a bit like saying you have homeless person privilege because you don't have to deal with cold callers about house insurance, ignoring the downsides of the way society treats you because you don't have a home?

@Timeturnerplease In your post you call yourself unattractive. If that was true you wouldn’t be married with children.