Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

That's probably somebody who does anal sex who is defensive about it. They get defensive because, while they consciously tell themselves they are sexually liberated, subconsciously they know they are merely capitulating to male sexual entitlement.

tmi

yes you'll do the research and so you're going to peg him

😂 and also, yes, do this!!

Both my exes got this bee in their bonnets. Suffice to say I have permanent injuries, despite (minor) surgeries to try and fix the damage. The problem is that, once you've started, you're trapped and can't wriggle out of it without risking further harm.

In my painfully informed opinion, nobody should be asking this of you until they've let you pin them down and shove a stick in & out of their bum 😬

1 million% this🤨

I completely agree with the points the vast majority of posters are making here about consent, coercion, and how unpleasant the OP's DH is being.

However, the repeated comments suggesting that OP peg her husband don't sit right with me.

First of all, it implies that if her DH was ok with being penetrated by her, that would make it ok for him to demand it from her. This obviously isn't how consent works. In fact he apparently is up for being the receptive partner. If OP pegged her husband every night to his vocal delight, that wouldn't make it ok for him to demand it from her. Equally it's perfectly ok to want to do something to your partner that you don't want to have done to you - as long as they are enthusiastically and genuinely consenting to you doing it to them.

Secondly it seems to suggest that being anally penetrated is fundamentally unpleasant and a form of punishment or domination. This is very unfair and insulting to the many gay men who like to be penetrated, the straight men who enjoy being pegged, and the straight women who enjoy receptive anal sex. Not trying to make any kind of comment here minimizing people's right to say no to anal sex, or encouraging people to do it. But the fact is that some percentage of adults like to do it and are positive and consensual about it. That's fine; the issue here (and sadly, probably in many other relationships) is the lack of consent, the disrespect and the coercion.

The 'well do it to him' arguments, as well as making anal out to be a form of abuse or domination, also seem just a bit childish and body-hating.

"I have said that I dont want to do it but you wont take no for an answer and are now trying to blackmail me. I have done all I can to increase my sex drive but I can't control nature. If you are willing to end our marriage and destroy our family because I dont want your dick in my arse then thats fine, because I dont want to be married to a man like that"

And then pack his bags.

@Laundryliar what’s wrong with me? Wow, that’s nice.

Nothing is wrong with me. I’m a happily married woman who is generally open to exploring my sexuality with my partner who I trust implicitly. I’m prepared to be adventurous and come out of my comfort zone to try things if I think it will make my DH happy, as is he. We’re a partnership, we love each other and we want to make sure we are both happy and fulfilled in all aspects of our marriage.

As my post said, if anal is a hard line for OP then so be it - she needs to express this clearly to her partner. If it isn’t, then there are ways to dip her toe into bum play without having to go full steam ahead into the main act.

And there is no pressurising going on at all. The OP is a fully grown adult who has posted on an internet forum to canvas views. She is perfectly capable of deciding for herself what she will and won’t do.

From a report

They said anal intercourse can affect women differently to men, as the former have a different bodily anatomy which can make them more prone to health outcomes.
‘Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,’ the report said.

Oof, I didn't know that!

I knew about the damaging effects - I live with 'em. Didn't know it's worse for women. Yet another thing ... !

This seems to be a cruel, childish, and homophobic joke.

No. Butt plugs.

He shouldnt be trying to coerce you; you dont want to do it and that should be the end of the matter. Dont be bullied by him.

This

It’s not unreasonable to ask. What is unreasonable is to say it’s a hill to die on. He’s suggested that there will be a line at which he’ll walk away from the marriage. If that line is the OP’s refusal to engage in anal sex even though she doesn’t want to, then l suspect she’d be better off without him.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do in bed. Ever.

You don’t need to ‘research’ a sexual act to know whether the idea of it turns you on. Your husband is awful. If anal sex is ‘a hill he’s willing to die on’ then just let him fucking die.

What, exactly, is this man actually bringing to your life other than angst?

But I don't understand why it's so important to him that he would potentially let it wreck everything.

He’s giving you an ultimatum to coerce you. He’s essentially saying “If you don’t let me do this to you, I’ll leave you.” That’s sexually coercive and abusive behaviour.

Some men are disgusting sadists. I have no words.

Scary how many people think like that isn't it 🤔 and that its not just men.

Could you compromise with him getting a boyfriend?

Deflection noted. You evaded answering the question.
Are you actually not aware that millions of abuse victims defend their abusers and stay with them, which means her defending him does not constitute proof she is not being abused?
You can't possibly be that stupid.
Then again, you did write the worthless slogan; "one in the bum, no harm done." That's really stupid. There's plenty of harm that can be done and several of us have provided evidence of that.

"My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to"

The end