Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

You're certainly wrong.

Calling someone 'stuffy' isnt discussing it.
Id bet OP started the thread looking for reassurance that shes not wrong for asserting her boundaries! Shes not asking whether anal sex is wrong or right shes raising an issue around consent and feeling pressured into something she doesn't want to do.
If you honestly take issue with that you need to ask yourself why.

If you don't want to, just say no. But assuming he's making a clumsy attempt to engage you in trying new things could you counter it with something you would like to try?

Differing sex drives can be really difficult to manage, and I'm not desputing he's being a bit of a dick about this, but if you are actively trying to make the relationship work perhaps coming from a "look anal really isn't for me, but I would really like to try xyz" angle may open up a proper conversation between you.

And a note for a few other pp's anal shouldn't hurt, it can feel odd and you may not like the feeling (which is absolutely fine!) but with plenty of lube and proper prep it shouldn't be painful. Also there are a fair few of us who do enjoy it and regularly so maybe tone down the disgust a bit. Don't yuck other people's yum and all that

It might just mean that a quarter of men cajole, bully and pressurise their female partners into having anal sex occasionally or regularly. It doesn't follow that those women want or enjoy it. He's probably read it in some men's magazine and it may well be an accurate statistic. Unfortunately.

quoted from OP post

“But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on”

so views and opinions have been said. @PommelHoss give their opinion and has give reason behind opinion when questioned several times!

If he is willing to walk away from his family and his life because he’s not getting what he wants in bed then let him. Do you really want to be with a man that is willing to end a marriage because you won’t give in to his fantasies?

You've said you don't want to and no means no. I think your husband is disgusting and not respecting your boundaries. Please convey this to him.
Sounds like he's trying to convince you and give you an ultimatum. He'll end up cheating with someone else just for that. He's vile.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on It

Oh FFS. You really have bought into male sexual entitlement, hook line and sinker. Don't pressure other women into being handmaidens to pigs.

This. I'd tell him to fuck off

dont care. if thats what you want to do. but if someone is clearly uncomfortable with it and has said no, then respect it!

This with bells on. Fucking hell some of the posts on here are so grim.

Do you really think therapists report this?

You're contradicting yourself. First you said people are being "stuffy" by telling her this is abusive. Now you're seemingly admitting it's coercive control.

I think you should separate, it sounds like he had been sexually coercing you for several years and nothing kills libido like sexual coercion.

Fucking sadistic bastard.
So glad you got rid of him.

Yep, I would be the same as what others have suggested, he takes it multiple times first...with no lube!

Pommel, are you being wilfully obtuse here? 'An echo chamber' ‐wtf?! OP is just asking for feedback. Why the fuck does she need to invite a 'balanced discussion', suggesting her holding a boundary is somehow unbalanced? Are you her husband? You keep on mentioning that you don't see the need for a thread ‐it's got nothing to do with you. Your comments are those of a man who is chip-chip-chipping away at a woman's attempt at strengthening her resolve, or of a woman who is unable to recognise a another woman's request for support; an empathy fail due to chronic internalised misogyny. Very sad.

Unless he is a closet homosexual.

Say no its not what you want , the consequences for you could be mentally and physically painfull and thats so unfair tell him to get a sex toy and try it on himself or blow up doll if he wants it that much.

Nobody said anything so hyperbolic as anal sex is inherently evil, so just stop that. What's evil is she's said no and he's trying to coerce her with threats to leave.

Are you saying that because he could have suggested worse things, she should be okay with his behaviour and so should posters on this thread be? Wow.

Sounds like he's bullying you. That's not a caring partner. I think the sex issue is a manifestation of a larger problem. Giving in won't fix the marriage.

I agree with this.
Also you have grown his child in your belly and then given birth to his child. You've put yourself out for him quite enough as it is!