Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

No worries @XChrome it bears repeating.

Yeah, it's not unusual.

Why do you think its 'stuffy' to have sexual preferences, and boundaries?
I think you need to think long and hard about why you've decided other peoples preferences differing to yours is 'stuffy'.

Fab! I'd recommend lots of lube and make sure the dildo is pretty narrow to begin with. He can work his way up to larger if he finds he enjoys it

Maybe she's seeking advice about her abusive marriage @PommelHoss not to be talked into unwanted sex.

It's the porn, love. That's why it's so important to him. He's become so entitled and misogynistic that he believes he's being hard done by if he can't get nasty porn sex. He believes women owe men that. He will want ever increasing deviant acts, because that's how porn works. They have to push the envelope more and more to get the same rush from it. They will absolutely sacrifice their marriages and families for it. I'm so sorry. This won't change as long as he uses porn.

You don't have to.

He is creating a judgemental, negative vibe around your sex life - 'is this enough? What is he thinking about? Am I desirable to him?' I can't imagine even relaxing enough to feel pleasure in those circumstances, never mind have an orgasm.

You also sound traumatised by the pain you felt. It sounds as if you are protecting yourself mentally (quite reasonably). To cut him a small amount of slack, he may be intuitive enough to have picked up that shutdown, but he is reacting by watching more porn instead of asking you how you are feeling.

I'd say some therapy for you, and/or sex therapy, might help unpick all this and help you find each other again. But his idea that anal sex is a universal benefit he's entitled to can fuck right off. Don't entertain it.

I would refuse on principle because back door Bob was trying to coerce me…
He doesn’t care about your feelings one bit, he just wants to fuck you up the arse…..
I have a friend who’s hubby threatened to leave if he didn’t get anal….my friend now has faecal incontinence where her anal sphincter was damaged. And of course her hubby left her..
Say no and tell him he’s a selfish wanker and you are divorcing him, and if he fights it you will stand up in court and tell them exactly why.

yeh a real life friend who considers herself very liberal basically called me a prude because I feel differently. So everything is tolerated, except a boundary or a certainty that something is not your cup of tea!

OP, I'd get turned off by his little manifesto that this has to happen. Have you had everything you've ever wanted in the marriage?

If you don’t want anal sex then don’t have anal sex. It’s really that simple.

the most unattractive man is one that is a sex pest and even worse one that tries to make you feel inadequate by telling you all sorts of irrelevant facts and figures about how many people do what and when.

Men who have sex with men are significantly more likely to suffer from fecal incontinence than men who don't. Most men who receive anal sex won't have this problem, but it's not negligible.

"Gets anxious" without enough sex? Jog on. Is he also in danger of dying from "blueballs"?!

Tell him his constant pestering for sex, and the fact he wants to put his willy up your bum hole, is making YOU anxious.

He wants more sex - do handjobs count for him?
Obviously only if you're happy to give them...

You're already not enjoying sex whilst he is, and even that's not good enough for him? He wants you to do more for him whilst you get even less out of it because all he wants is something you explicitly don't want to do?

Fuck. That.

I'd be quite happy to put him down on that hill, never mind let him die on it.

Oh OP. In that case, your husband needs to do his research on the anatomy of women and learn that we are really, really quite physically different to men down there.

Does he realise that anal sex for women can actually be quite risky and a lot of preperation is involved? Or has he just watched so much porn that this really important aspect of anal sex isn't something he has given much thought to?

"He's unhappy with our sex life and there would be a line at which he would have to walk away" - is he suggesting that if you don't do anal then he will leave? He sounds really grim. Are you happy OP? What about you in all this, and your needs? 💐

Why does OP not try and get used to it?! Because she doesnt fucking want to?
Why on earth should she 'try and get used to it', to please her husband?!
I find it really depressing that several women on this thread honestly think women should talk themselves into something they dont want to do, dont find sexy, and could cause them physical damage.
FFS what is wrong with you. If you are into it fine, crack on, nobody is saying you shouldnt. But don't pressure women into doing things they don't fucking want to do!

I don't have an issue with him being interested in experimenting with things, but I don't want to do that.

There's your answer pet. Simple as that.

As for your husband....given that you're not even really feeling like 'conventional' sex right now, why on earth would he think that you'd want to try anal? Answer: he's not thinking about you at all.

Let him die on that hill, the stupid, selfish prick that he is.

Even if you enjoy it, doing it regularly can seriously fuck your body up. Prolapse, piles etc.
The point is, OP, he can ask, you can say no. What he can't do is stamp his little foot and demand to use your body how he wants. If you say no, he HAS to say ok then. If he says anything else, where does it end? It's coercion, threatening to end the relationship if he doesn't get what he wants.

She’s already says she doesn’t want to or didn’t you bother to read the OP because you were so desperate to get your opinion in?

It's quite simple. If it's not something that you want to do, say no. Let the chips fall where they may.

Emotional abuse (like using coercive threats of leaving the relationship to control your partner) are not illegal. Who would the therapist report it to? Most won't even report straight up violence anyway.

I agree. Whether women here have done it, like it, love it etc it’s all irrelevant. The OP doesn’t want to do it and that should be the end of it and he should accept that. It’s really that simple.