Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Show him this when you say no;

'women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.

“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.

“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential.

“The pain and bleeding women report after anal sex is indicative of trauma, and risks may be increased if anal sex is coerced,” they said.'

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

He's got this from porn. He's a sex pest and massively entitled about sex. Heavy porn use does that to men. You don't have to put up with this. It won't get better as long as he's using porn, in fact it will get worse. If you refuse anal, he'll just ask for something else which is disgusting and degrading to women. He'll keep pushing your boundaries because he no longer able to appreciate normal, healthy sex due to porn use. It's not your responsibility to offer up your body to ease his anxiety. It isn't healthy to get anxious because you haven't had sex for a few days. It's disordered and is a him problem, not a you problem.

I think with anal sex, it’s something you have to want to try. It’s painful, it’s not comfortable (until it’s in for me, something I enjoy but it’s not for everyone)
I think you need to think hard about it, if it’s not for you, you need to say. It’s not something to be taken lightly, but something you need to be sure to try

Not really ,I think there’s a lot of women like me who had kids in our 40’s so pretty much too knackered for anything else! Fab for those who are still swinging from the chandeliers but being perimenopausal with young kids in your 40’s whilst trying to keep a career going and perhaps look after elderly relatives …..and then also having a marriage on the rocks is one of the most unsexy life stages to be in.

It's irrelevant what other people's views or experiences are, you said no end off

Exactly this. A million times over. If he we're single would he shrivel up and die like a sexless, feckless little mushroom? (No he wouldn't, because he's emotionally abusing you to take the D). I'm a man btw.

I’d rather be single than put up with all that sexual pressure to do stuff that doesn’t appeal. I once had haemorrhoids in pregnancy and that was painful and would hate to risk tissue tears and bleeding again.

My ex used to watch porn too and I am not surprised it’s increasingly common.
Another sexual activity that has become relatively common especially among young people due to porn is “breath play” - near strangulation. Ugh!

There is huge pressure not to be “vanilla”.

Pesky feminists asking for enthusiastic consent. Like the humourless hags they are.

Far better to service a man with every orifice you have, regardless of if you want to or not. Like a good girl.

Has he had an affair and done it with her?

It makes me really sad to read posts like this.

My first marriage was just like this. I felt constantly under pressure to have sex I didn’t want, do things sexually I didn’t want. I was so young and naive I actually let him bully me into thinking I was a terrible wife if I didn’t go along with things - I actually found letters I’d written him apologising for being too tired! What a load of utter shite! In the end I left him when dd was 6 months old after being together 5 years before that. I think having dd made me realise I didn’t want to keep living like that, it was exhausting and making me miserable.

No one should EVER have sex or do something sexually they don’t want to do. Ever. No matter what it is or how normal or not others find it.

😄
Seriously though, if only all these entitled, abusive freaks would die on that hill, women would finally be safe.

Not impressed with him trying to emotionally blackmail you with comments like "I shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of my life" and "There will be a line at which I have to walk away". Sometimes there are things I feel sad I'll (probably) never do ie sleep with someone new again but that's the deal I made when I committed.

He says he wants more sex but he's not exactly doing a good job of fostering a trusting environment.

How does the thought or splitting up make you feel? Devastated or free? I know it's hard when you have a child though.

To answer your question about anal - we tried a little when we first started dating. Fingers I found unpleasant and his dick wouldn't go further than halfway. I found it painful and dehumanizing. Each to their own but it's totally off the table for us now and he hasn't pushed it.

For the record, anal sex existed before porn

I've met loads.

I knew a gay man who used to have to wear a tampon in his anus to prevent leakage.

I quite agree. Your husband is being unreasonable, op. I doubt the statistics he quoted for people regularly having anal sex are accurate, surveys often consist of lies or casual ticks in any box, and out of those women who do, a lot will not enjoy it, they just get used to it.

Many men would not want to do that with their wives or girlfriends, they prefer natural, loving sex.

I can understand anyone trying it once.

Your husband is a sex pest and that is a very unattractive characteristic. If he was considerate and tender you might respond to him more often. As it is, you are condemned to many years of the same.

Did you really need HRT? You are still young at 45, you don't need this pressure from your husband; you have options, please consider them.

Imagine in later years your kid asking their dad why they left and divorced their mum "Fucking her up the arse was the hill I was prepared to die on, she wouldn't capitulate, so I left"

There's nothing wrong with anal sex if BOTH parties want to do it. You don't though. It's not a fucking slice of Bakewell tart and you don't like pastries "go on have a slice, you might like it and change your mind" Its sex, its inserting a thing into your body hopefully with the aim of mutual pleasure. Men seem to increasing think as its a hole adjacent to another hole (the latter being designed for the purpose of sex) its all just wholly interchangeable like vanilla for chocolate ice cream. It isn't, they are entirely different meals altogether for the woman. Obviously men just see normal hole, tighter hole. Most have no idea of the anatomy of a woman's pelvis, the vast differences in type of skin tissue between a vagina and an anus, different musculature, function and nerve pathways.

Just coz they get off having a big fat shit talking it's time sliding out their bumholes (why do they take soooo long?, they seem to really really like taking a dump and easing it out millimetres at a time rather then push it out quickly and finish) they assume we would like big things sliding UP ours. Some women do, that's fine, some women do not, also fine. No-one shouldn't be forced to try it or be divorced. Fuck that.

Fucking hill he is prepared to die on....

Fucking entitled, coercive, selfish, childish, twat.

I see you have already given that link. My apologies, I should have read the whole thread first. I guess it won't hurt OP to see it twice though.

OP you have literally stated you don’t want to.
i find it bizarre some individuals here are saying “why don’t you build up to it”

No means no and don’t let individuals on a forum make you doubt that

Your husband should respect that decision and accept that. If he’s seriously boo hoo’ing the fact he can’t have anal in his life, you need to reconsider this relationship. That behaviour only means he will look for it by other means

Your marriage will end because of no anal sex, he is happy to walk away from his wife and child because...no anal sex? Wow. I mean can you imagine growing old with someone who thinks no anal sex is a deal breaker. why are men so weak?

You need a divorce OP. What a revolting man. I'm in my 50s and no prude at all but it's always been a to no anal for me. Tell him to fuck off and to find someone else to shove it up.

But it wasn't popular among heteros. Now it is. This is not a coincidence.
Men are demanding a lot of the things they see in porn now.

Love is....
Threatening to divorce your wife if she won't take it up the arse.