Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Research? What's to research? If you don't want his willy in your bum then that's all the research you need do.

Make sure he sees the outtakes of porn where women shit themselves after anal because after years of performing it theyve lost normal bowel function

How long have you been together OP?

The very very first line:

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to.

Did you read no further than the title?

Really? You do surprise me. Lead a sheltered life have you?

He appears to be saying if you don’t let him sexually abuse you he’ll divorce you.

The fact he feels arrogant enough to do this suggests he thinks he’s in a position of power over you. I assume you are reliant on him financially?

If so, you need to turn the tables. Tell him he is never to mention it ever again.Tell him if he does YOU will divorce HIM for sexual abuse and unless he wants his anal sex demands on his divorce papers he better shut the fuck up. Tell him you’ll tell friends and family you’re being threatened into it. Spell out to him what a divorce will look like with 50/50 shared care and losing half of everything. Does he need the police to have a chat with him about his sexually abusive behaviour?

Maybe have a free consultation with a solicitor first so he knows you mean business. Don’t even consider giving in op, because he’ll want to act out other types of porn on you.

If you don't want to have anal sex, then you do not have to and that's the end. You don't need to research, give it a try, have an open mind etc. If you should change your mind at some point, that's also fine. But your mind should not be influenced by threats of divorce. That's coercive and it's not on.

Say no.
Advise him that if he wants your sex life to improve the first thing he has to do is stop watching porn. There are resources out there and support to be had with quitting.

Can you imagine that in your obituary/on your gravestone...
Anal sex was the hill I chose to die on.
It's so very noble, almost up there with the rights of women and children.

@PommelHoss · Today 22:50

So many stuffy answers on here! If you want to try it, try it, but if you don't then don't. It's nowhere near as deviant as so many on here are making out.

Oh do give over! 🙄 People are not being 'stuffy' because they don't fancy anal sex. Grow up!

@Prolapsedanus did you name change just for that?

www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

Think again...

Far be it for me to be the fun bum police but is he really the type to put up with you ending up like this or will he cut and run

Yes I'm aware it's only a percentage not a guarantee etc etc but it's designed as an exit

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

You've said no. You should die on the hill that he doesn't get to trample on your (sexual) boundaries. Absolutely do not do it because he's bullying you into it. He sounds so unpleasant.

Absolutely this.

He gets anxious if he's not had sex for few days? Can't the dick head have a wank?

To answer your question on women's experience of anal sex - a lot of women try it, because there's a lot of pressure to. A few of those women like it. Women don't have a prostate like men, but the nerves that make it feel good to go to the loo may also provide a pleasure high with anal sex. However, it's also possible for it to be painful (especially if the penetrating partner is not focused on the receiving partner's pleasure) and women are more at risk of life long damage from receiving anal sex than men are.

Quite a lot of women who aren't totally averse to the idea of it quite like anal play - not full penetration, but touching, stroking etc. around the anus. Maybe shallow penetration.

What does he do for you in bed, OP? How does he try to make sure you have a great time? Make sure you come, make you feel desired and listened to, meet your sexual needs, etc.?

I would imagine that if he were showing you consideration in bed, experimenting to find out what you both like would be more natural. If he's finding out what he likes from watching porn that's unlikely to lead to a mutually satisfying sex life.

If anal has never been part of your sex life it is a bit unreasonable to try introduce it now if you don’t fancy it?

This seems to have got far more into the consent issue

OP has never said her DH would try it without her consent! Just that he has asked, and he has already offered to receive too.

Wish people would rtft!

OP - you shouldn't do anything you don't want to - ever.
But worth exploring what he finds exciting about anal, and what puts you off. Then see if you can find some other things to try.

So if it's the thought of the pain & the size of him, but not totally against anything there, maybe try fine anal beads or little finger?

If you hate the idea of anything near it, then suggest something else you could try

I have done anal a handful of times consensually with a very careful DH, but had to be with much wine and lube! Decided it wasn't for me so we didn't do it again.

If your sex drives don't match up, there are other ways. You can get each other off using the methods you like at different intervals. If you both want full sex, fine. If not, do something else - hands, feet, mouths, toys...

Just communicate, compromise - but any hard lines you have - absolutely stick to them

Say “Sure, why not?” Then nip down to the kitchen, grab a rolling pin and the remains of the Flora, trot back upstairs and bound into the bedroom declaring “I’m ready! Bend over.”

And he’s not anxious after a few days of no sex, that’s just a story he’s spinning you (and himself probably.) Leave him to die on his porn hill.

Wave him goodbye.

I've tried it and can't say I really enjoyed it, certainly didn't have an orgasmic experience, but it was something I was willing to try and do with ex partner.

It takes trust - it sounds like you have some fear still around sex, understandably.

OP has never said her DH would try it without her consent!

He's said it's a 'hill he'll die on'. If she says yes because of that, it's not consensual.

It is all about consent.