Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

This is not about anal sex.

its about him listening to you and valuing you. He doesn’t. Why are you fighting so hard to be in a marriage like this?

I’ve had anal sex and it was amazing, no pain and very pleasurable but it was consensual and I was happy to. If you aren’t interested you aren’t and that’s the end of that!

Well first of all, taking Immodium will not insure that. Do you still not get this? Bacteria are going to be present. Taking Imodium doesn't change that.
Using medication to interrupt the natural process of digestion and elimination just so you can get fucked in the ass is not healthy. I certainly hope it is only very occasional.
I tend to doubt your doctor told you this is okay to do with IBS, but if so, get a better doctor.

The concern is not so much about your partner getting infected, because it's not as easy for men to get an STI. It's about you getting a UTI or bacterial vaginal infection.

I love anal sex but your husband is a manipulative sex pest prick. I'd be gone.

Who on earth is having penis sized poops😅 I certainly don't. Perhaps flaccid penis size..

Men do giant poops, they'd obviously be better suited to receiving anal

@Saturday3 it seems to me from what you have said that you are doing so much to fix & support this marriage, yet he has upped the requirement for him to stay with you.

Porn or not, his ‘demand’ for sexual compliance is not reasonable, this covers anal, breath control/strangulation, bestiality etc as demanding ‘requests’.

This before ‘no fault’ divorces would be categorised as unreasonable behaviours & grounds for a divorce.

You are now at this stage.
He is not interested in keeping this marriage as a relationship between loving equals.

I suggest that you consult a family law solicitor for advice & tell them directly what he says & that he threatens you with divorce unless you comply. Whatever the actual behaviour or request is, it is the threat & coercion that is the issue. This form of abuse is covered by UK divorce law.

The time has come to legally end this marriage, no amount of therapy, appeasing or negotiations can fix what is irretrievably broken.

See the solicitor, gather up all the documentation & prepare to end this charade of a marriage.

BTW he doesn’t mean to divorce you per se because that would mean a change of his financial & everyday life, what he is saying is to scare & upset you so that you do what he wants. Yeah, reckon he’d do anal in a kind & loving way.

The IBS is mostly under control since I gave up sugar. I meant I'm used to taking it because I've taken it a lot over the years. I consider myself still to have IBS because it would come back if I had a big cake or something. I take the Imodium as a preventative measure because if we're planning anal sex, I don't want to have to forgo it because my bowels randomly decided to play up. But they're much better these days. No denial. I mean the following quite genuinely: the concern for me here is very sweet! I'm not in denial or with someone anal-obsessed, and with the low frequency and carefulness, it's OK. I did mention it to my doctor and researched it online too.

As to your second point, most couples in committed relationships don't use condoms, and the same risks of STDs apply. Unless you use condoms all the time, anyone can cheat and anyone can give someone an STD. Aren't we all trusting our partners when we do away with condoms, for any type of sex?

He's not anal obsessed. Not sure where you got that from. I wrote upthread that I asked him once if he preferred anal to vaginal, and he said hell no. We are older and he's had a lot of experience, and he's just good at all kinds of sex.

He got a bunch of STD tests before we went condomless.

😆 @ "Puritanical Victorian attitudes" and "close-mindedness." Hitting all the hackneyed stereotypes I see.
Look, we know what we like and what we don't like, so kindly stop patronizing us with this bulllshit about how if we just stopped being prudes, we'd like taking it up the ass.

Ah yes, the man who posted that although the OP might not want to have anal sex, she shouldn't decide whether she actually likes it until she's tried it several times. It's not puritanical to say "no, I'm not interested and I don't want to do it".

The fact that you have inserted your manly advice into a thread about a woman feeling pressured into having sex she doesn't want, ignoring all the posts regarding the risks and the potential pain involved for the woman, says it all really.

It's very reminiscent of teenage boys trying to cajole girls into sex, but presumably he's a grown man. Sad.

Your post actually made me shiver.

You have IBS and you have to take drugs just to be able to accommodate this kind of sex a few hours beforenhand. Your partner has given you herpes already. This sounds all colours of grim.

Apparently according to you at least, you are in an exclusive relationship so you don't even use protection despite the fact you are at heightened risk of catching HIV and other STIs to add to the ones you already have.

You are risking serious injury, disease and infection.

WTAF are you actually doing?? All for some cheap thrills for your other half, because it is impossible for women to climax with this kind of activity.

It is so beyond grim and repulsive, and you seem extraordinarily removed from what you are posting - and how it is coming across.

It is not your GPs job to tell you to stop may I add, and yes many gay men have extremely challenging medical conditions due to intercourse and have to use tampons. This is NOT fun my friend. Jesus raise the bar and protect your own body ffs.

This misrepresents what I was saying and that was for some it can be experimented with and I suggested on a solo basis initially. If you read my full post this can be seen.

I was trying to be helpful and not suggesting it is acceptable to be coerced into unhealthy sex.

@NoisyDenimShaker you’re really selling it to me….. NOT!

He gets "anxious" if he doesn't get sex when he wants it? Fuck off. He's a bad man OP, he doesn't believe you have the right to bodily autonomy and he doesn't give a shit about your boundaries or your wellbeing.

Come on, @SimBa123UK , lesbians aren't 'gender dysphoric' anymore than me or you, nor is lesbian sexuality part of a 'gender dysphoric discourse'. Please do not conflate same-sex attraction with being trans.

… and don’t forget dosing up on Imodium.

Echo all the comments on here.

I hate sex altogether but anal made me feel like I needed to take a big shit!!

Anybody who uses threats to achieve any kind of sexual practise is a predatory bully.

He’s happy to die on the hill? Fine. Ask him if he wants to be buried or cremated.

Agree with this.
Ugggh this is what happens to men that watch porn, they see women and sex acts as things they are entitled to, as though they have been browsing a catalogue.
Do you actually want any kind of sex with him? Because a man putting this kind of pressure on you is so lacking in love or sexiness that I wouldn’t want to sleep with him at all.

Okay, sorry lovey. I withdraw the use of "anal obsessed." I was being flippant, a bad habit of mine.

I do not think we should trust our partners to the extent of putting ourselves at risk of an STD. I would advise any woman to use condoms always, but it's particularly important with anal because the risk is higher. But you know that and are willing to accept the risk, which is your decision to make.
Hopefully you now realize now that stool bacteria are present, so the rectum is actually not clean. Being armed with the correct info can only be a good thing.

My dh asked the same, I said to him that if he lets me shove a dildo up his ass and it doesn't hurt him then I might try it. He didn't ask again

He sounds awful, can’t see what he brings to you life. Let him die on his hill with a dildo up his arse!

Porn is degrading and harmful, it is watching people who have likely had limited choices or no choice have to have sex for small amounts of money.

A husband demanding sex is degrading his wife.

A husband demanding anal with threats is degrading his wife even more.

FFS. Your husband should be treating you like a queen OP, you have given birth to his child. He should be making you feel wanted, sexy and attractive. You should be feeling really turned on by him, because he makes you feel like a queen and you know that sex with him will be pleasurable for both of you with absolutely zero pressure to do anything that you do not want.

Also anal reconstruction surgery definitely happens and I don’t think it’s just the result of a hefty dump.

Yes I watched a documentary on sex workers and also women in the porn industry. They had to regularly have treatment for anal injuries (and other injuries) and it all sounded really horrific.