Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

False. There are bacteria present in the rectum and at the anal opening. This is exactly how women get UTIs from vaginal sex, because the bacteria get drawn into the urinary tract during sex, even without anal penetration.

I can barely even believe anyone with IBS would do something so self destructive as to receive anal. Try asking your doctor if it is a good idea to be engaging in anal sex when you have IBS and observe the look of abject horror appear on his/her face. Do you not realize that people with IBS have inflammation and that penetration and friction will make it worse?
I am astounded. You actually take medication just so you can have anal.
🤯

Anal sex is only enjoyable when both parties are up for it and it takes a lot of foreplay and 'prep' to make it pleasurable. He can't just whack a bit of lube on and away he goes. A man who coerces his wife into ANYTHING with the threat of divorce is not a man who wants to give her pleasure in an adventurous way. Bin him off.

I don't know how to delete.

Not read every post but just want to say I’m so upset for you OP. This is awful behaviour and you absolutely shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to full stop and especially not under threat of divorce. You don’t need a reason to say no to anal sex. You don’t want to is enough.

i would take him at his word and dump him - his behaviour would be a total dealbreaker for me - it shows zero respect for you, your body and your feelings. But I know that’s easy for me to say, I’m older, my kids are older and I’ve been separated for years and I'm much happier, but it’s very difficult when you’re in the middle of it all and not sure what to do. I hope MN can help you work through how you feel and be a support - that was true for me.

We don't use protection bc we're in an exclusive relationship.

I'm not "selling" it, the OP's entire reason for posting was to ask for "people's views and experiences of anal." So that's what I did.

Occasional, careful anal is low-risk. We don't thrust like with vaginal. It's very slow. I did ask my doc. Lots of people do it regularly, like the whole gay community, including those in long-term committed relationships.

Anyway, OP asked, and I told.

Say yes, then buy a dildo!

Seriously though, never agree to anything you don't want to do.

Apparently I am going to have to prove it to you, but even that probably won't help with denial this strong.

"The lower end of your large intestine, the rectum, stores stool until it pushes stool out of your anus during a bowel movement."

https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/digestive-system-how-it-works#:~:text=The%20large%20intestine%20absorbs%20water,anus%20during%20a%20bowel%20movement.

The dick might look clean, but that does not mean there is no bacteria on it. They are microscopic FFS.

Oh and btw if it helps OP I don’t want anal sex, ever, and I’ve never had it and I don’t care if it’s an experience I’ll never have and might have liked. It’s a no. I’m not going bungy jumping either. Because I hate the thought of it and I don’t want to. It’s OK to feel that way and you’re not alone in that.

As far as I’m concerned all these men who want anal can shag each other if they’re that bothered.

If it was my husband I’d tell him to fuck right off with this with no further debate on the issue. This is a porn related fantasy of his, and has nothing to do with MUTUALLY satisfying, respectful and enjoyable sex.

sex which is only enjoyable for one party is crap sex.

I am also not sexually attracted to people I don’t respect. His attitude towards this would seriously undermine, if not do away with altogether, any respect I might have for him.

I hate all the “oh you should just try anal, I enjoy it so you might enjoy it too.” Just because you enjoy something, doesn’t mean that a person who gets no sexual pleasure from the thought of it should try and enjoy it too.

It’s no different than telling a lesbian “oh I really enjoy having sex with a man, you should try having sex with a man, you never know you might enjoy it.” Ridiculous. A lesbian knows what they are attracted to and what appeals to them sexually. No-one should be pestered into doing something sexually that gives them the ick just thinking about it.

100%

This doesn’t sound nice. I think you should be clear on your boundaries too. He sounds like he is really pressuring you

Oh and I should add that I was pestered into trying anal sex with an ex of mine when I was 19. I’ve never known pain like it and I bled all over the bed. Lots of blood. I closed my eyes, cried into the pillow, and took it. I hope it was worth it for him, because I was in pain for 48 hours after.

I don't know what to tell you. 🤷‍♂️I have occasional, slow, careful anal, it's not uncomfortable, I really enjoy it, and I'm fine. And I did ask my doc.

And yes, I take medication so I can have anal, because I really like doing it with this one particular guy. It's just a bit of Imodium, it's not a serious drug. It's just an over-the counter drug for which you don't even need a prescription. It's not like I'm taking some serious drug! No need to be astounded.

I actually take a second medication so I can have sex, too. Valtrex, for cold-sore herpes that my husband gave me down there from giving me oral sex when he was shedding the herpes virus on his mouth. He didn't have a cold sore. So I take Valtrex in order not to give it to my partner. That would be the case even if we never had anal. Valtrex DOES require a prescription, and if you take to much, it can mess with your brain and give you delusions etc.

Why is it OK to take Valtrex to avoid giving him herpes but not OK to take Imodium to ensure he doesn't stick his dick in a bunch of stool?

sorry, get rid. you are married with a sex perv

With IBS, too. 🤦 That level of denial is very concerning.
Also, telling herself there is no risk because she assumes the anal obsessed partner would never, ever cheat is concerning.
I got HPV because of a bastard cheater who swore he would never cheat, and that happened even with condoms. Now I have a lovely increased risk of cancer to boot and have already had to have a (fortunately benign) growth removed.

Anal sex is a "hill he's willing to die on"?! Then he has issues, I'm afraid.

If you don't want to do it, that's the end of the matter and he can go and die on said hill.

And here is a source from a cancer doctor saying the opposite:

https://www.merckmanuals.com/home/digestive-disorders/biology-of-the-digestive-system/rectum-and-anus

Oh, wait. In the second link below, it turns out that there are two parts to the anus: The anal sphincter and the anal canal. Obviously, the anal canal is where the penis goes during sex, and stool is not stored there.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK279481/

This. It’s a flat no as far as I’m concerned- not that my DH has ever asked. Once you do some proper research, you’ll find out why. Women have been badly damaged by this.

Is he close to his parents? If he is, I’d make it very clear that if he’s willing to split up over this, I’d be making sure his parents know that this is the reason.

Your husband sounds a little obsessive - I don't think I'd enjoy being married to someone who would be willing to walk away if they didn't get the right sort of sex!

I remember a male friend of mine telling me he enjoys anal with his wife because "after children her vag feels a bit baggy"!!!!!!! WTF?!?! So my first thought of any man wanting anal is a bit of an insult as it's implying that the other hole after childbirth is no longer good enough! 😂

To quote Gozer the Gozerian,
"Then.....DIE"

I personally haven't said OP should try it, quite the opposite if she doesn't want to. I'm just describing my experience, like she asked.

Mismatched sex drive / different sexual interests = the death of relationships. It sounds like he's telling you he isn't satisfied with his sex life and you are saying that despite trying you can't really get in to it the way he wants you too. No one is to blame. I think him being younger is compounding the issue: you are coming in to your menopausal years (obviously that's fine and natural but it changes sex for a lot of women) and he is in his 30s so his libido is probably going strong and will do for another 15 years. Do you both actually want to save it? If you do you need to go to a sex therapist and try and find a way forward.

Yep. I think he’s opportunistic in using the situation to get what he wants - anal sex. He’s threatened to leave if his ‘line is crossed’ and things don’t improve and he’s tying in anal sex as part of the ‘fix’ even though he knows OP doesn’t want to do it. So she’ll either refuse, or cave and hate it, in which case it’s certainly not going to improve things, so either way he’ll leave. Nasty.

What is equally questionable is the knee jerk response of what comes across often as vehement closed mindedness based on what may be puritanical victorian attitudes, possibly to the detriment of the opinion holder.

To state also that 'lesbians know what they are attracted to' states as self evident a sense of clarity very definitely missing in todays gender dysphoric discourse, one I struggle to restrain my bemusement and frustration with admittedly.