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Original poster

Husband wants anal sex

632 replies

Saturday3 · 03/08/2024 22:28

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Pussycat22 · 04/08/2024 08:31

EveSix, you're right it's a one way valve,!!!

butterbeansauce · 04/08/2024 08:36

jackstini · 04/08/2024 08:22

But if she's not going to say yes, he can't do it

He can 'die on that hill' and leave the marriage (if he wants to be a twunt) but she still does not have to say yes (& if he does - not someone I would want to be with anyway)

My point was - if both of them are unhappy sexually, that's not great, and could they look at alternative compromises

If she doesn't want to, then that is her decision. If he want to leave because of that, that is his

Show quote history

Compromise about mismatched sex drives wouldn't start like this conversation though. Or at least not in a loving, respectful relationship.

They would start something like this,' I'm struggling with my feelings about how little sex we're having and it's making me feel rejected/unwanted/lonely in our relationship. I wonder what I can do to make sex more enjoyable for you or what are your thoughts?'.

A conversation started like that would allow the OP space to consider how SHE feels as well as how her husband feels. Both would be important in the situation. It might not ultimately resolve the situation and they may ultimately end the relationship but at least it would happen respectfully and give the biggest chance of resolution.

anyolddinosaur · 04/08/2024 08:37

More women have tried it apparently - all part of a rise in misogynism and women being told they should pander to men. That doesnt mean they do it regularly. It has health risks, more so for women than for men https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

Any man trying to pressurise me into something harmful that I had said no to would be told they were being abusive.

It may be too late for other children anyway but dont have any more children with this man as he is preparing to leave anyway.

LoneHydrangea · 04/08/2024 08:37

He should not be putting any pressure on you. If you don’t want to try it, that is the end of it.

isthesolution · 04/08/2024 08:37

It's so hard because although you should never have sex if you don't want to, that also means he can't have sex when he does want to. Having a different sex drive to your partner is really tough.

Anal sex wise though - if you want to try it then do. If you really don't then just don't. If it ends the marriage then so be it - this isn't something that should be make or break.

Copperoliverbear · 04/08/2024 08:42

Do not do it under any circumstances you don't want to and that's it.
I have to be honest I think no matter what you did there would be something else he'd never be happy.
I actually feel really uncomfortable about this post, I'm sorry but I find your husband creepy and I would be asking him to leave.
I would rather be on my own.

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 08:43

Devilsmommy · 04/08/2024 00:36

What scares me is the amount of women who were saying that she should just try it for his sake😳 I mean fucking hell, she'd put in her first line that she didn't want to do it. I'm seriously starting to despair at the rife misogyny everywhere 😞

Show quote history

OP did, but then she ended her post with:

"But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?"

That's why people are giving their views, some of which are that OP could try it. Someone else here objected to people talking about how they liked anal.

But OP did ask for posters views and experience on the matter, so...

Seriou · 04/08/2024 08:44

Say you’ve researched it and it’s a hard no.
Then sit back and watch him ‘die’.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all so I’m sure it will be no huge loss.

EveSix · 04/08/2024 08:45

@NoisyDenimShaker, I see you have objected to the reference to rape on this thread, suggesting this is somehow disrespecting the lived experience of victims of rape. I'm sorry you feel this way.
I would like to gently offer the possibility that it is disrespectful to the many women and girls whose experiences of rape and sexual assault begin with what may appear as cajoling and manipulation to suggest that coercion is not very much a precursor to rape and sexual assault. Sexual coercion runs at the heart of rape culture; the revelations of the MeToo movement made this abundantly clear.
Rape is not just an attack by a stranger in a dark alleyway. It is the unwanted intercourse suffered by women prior to the legal statutes on marital rape, the "in his / her sleep" penetration and a sex act that takes place without a person's willing and enthusiastic consent.
So many women keep their experiences of rape and sexual assault secret because they believe it 'doesn't count' if there isn't an element of unexpectedness, attack or violence; that them waking up while being penetrated by their best friend's boyfriend after a party, and deciding not to fight him off in case someone else wakes up and gets the wrong idea, isn't rape because they 'allowed' it.
These are the girls and women we 'disrespect' by sticking to old tropes that rape is somehow so far removed from the sexual coercion many women experience much more regularly than we like to admit.
So I'll continue calling out rape culture where I believe it is justified.

MariaDoodle · 04/08/2024 08:45

My ex husband was extremely coercive regarding what he wanted. He was happy to have sex with me even when I didn't want to. He also had a porn addiction and his favourite was a rape scene which he'd have set up in the bedroom when I had 20 minutes between getting home from work and picking up the kids from school. Imagine ripped clothing. Porn isn't cool or forward thinking like some on MN like to pretend.
Horrible memories and very damaging for me.
If you've said no and he's still badgering you, it's over.

Copperoliverbear · 04/08/2024 08:45

Also I'd go as far as to say your husband is a sex pest.

Marseillaise · 04/08/2024 08:47

XChrome · 03/08/2024 23:13

Show him this when you say no;

'women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.

“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.

“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential.

“The pain and bleeding women report after anal sex is indicative of trauma, and risks may be increased if anal sex is coerced,” they said.'

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

He's got this from porn. He's a sex pest and massively entitled about sex. Heavy porn use does that to men. You don't have to put up with this. It won't get better as long as he's using porn, in fact it will get worse. If you refuse anal, he'll just ask for something else which is disgusting and degrading to women. He'll keep pushing your boundaries because he no longer able to appreciate normal, healthy sex due to porn use. It's not your responsibility to offer up your body to ease his anxiety. It isn't healthy to get anxious because you haven't had sex for a few days. It's disordered and is a him problem, not a you problem.

Tell him you'e done your research, all the information from @XChrome is what you've discovered, so it's firmly on the "No" list. If he thinks it's OK to subject you to all that, it's a hill he's already died on.

Velvian · 04/08/2024 08:48

@butterbeansauce, there should be absolutely no 'compromise' on anal sex. It is harmful to women and not pleasurable and OP does not want to do it. Far, far better to be single than to buy into any idea that anyone gets a say on whether you are analy penetrated.

Bluebells84 · 04/08/2024 08:49

OP, I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I was in an incredibly similar situation, thankfully I left him, but it has taken me time and a lot of painful processing to come to terms with what was actually going on and the dynamics within our marriage.

This is ALL about coercive control. I would really recommend trying to seek some individual therapy to start to unpick what is going on here and how you want to move forward.

For those who feel it is minor, or a case of compromise, it is not. There is no compromising with individuals like this. I very much suspect that the sexual coercion is the tip of the iceberg.

Please look at this link https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/sexual-consent/

Please reach out for some support. This is not okay.

What is sexual consent?

Consent happens when all people involved in any kind of sexual activity agree to take part by choice. They also need to have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/sexual-consent

Starfish3 · 04/08/2024 08:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BabyBlue777 · 04/08/2024 08:51

Saturday3 · 03/08/2024 22:28

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Tell him you´d also like to try a few things. Get a strap on and tell him your true desire is to give him it up the @$$. Tell him to research it. He might like it. Tell him lots of men really enjoy it. See how he feels. Fair is fair.

To be honest with you, men´s sex drives are fucking annoying. The way they need sex to be happy is kinda sad and pathetic. It actually really puts me off sex. And only men ask women to do things with their bodies they are not comfortable with. Anal can give you pleasure, but also can give you pain and haemorrhoids.

Tell him, if he is gay, you´d like to stick a fat dildo up his ass as that is your fantasy. He goes first, then if he gives it a go, maybe give him a go.

MariaDoodle · 04/08/2024 08:51

@EveSix your post has perfectly summed up how I feel. It's actually a beautiful post because it's so devastatingly true. Thank you.

BluePeterNot · 04/08/2024 08:52

What’s next though? You do it, likely hate it, he is satisfied for… how long?
the next idea will come along with a threat of divorce if you don’t give in?

greengreyblue · 04/08/2024 08:52

You don’t do anything you don’t want to. He should respect that. He’s been watching porn.
There are risks to anal sex. The back passage is not designed for sex. Apart from it being a poo chamber(sexy?) the muscles can slacken and there is infection risk. My understanding is that the sphincter muscle is tight but beyond that there is a vaccum (if lower bowel empty) so it’s not as satisfying as vaginal sex as the vaginal walls enclose the penis. It’s not for me op and it’s not for my DH either. Don’t be bullied. He doesn’t sound like a nice man.

AhBiscuits · 04/08/2024 08:54

I'm sure you have, but make it clear that this is not something that you will ever do and that's the end of the discussion about it. If he tries to bring it up again, cut him off immediately. NO.

If this is what he chooses to end the marriage over then so be it. You can tell your friends and family why he left when they ask.

candycrush02 · 04/08/2024 08:55

BabyBlue777 · 04/08/2024 08:51

Tell him you´d also like to try a few things. Get a strap on and tell him your true desire is to give him it up the @$$. Tell him to research it. He might like it. Tell him lots of men really enjoy it. See how he feels. Fair is fair.

To be honest with you, men´s sex drives are fucking annoying. The way they need sex to be happy is kinda sad and pathetic. It actually really puts me off sex. And only men ask women to do things with their bodies they are not comfortable with. Anal can give you pleasure, but also can give you pain and haemorrhoids.

Tell him, if he is gay, you´d like to stick a fat dildo up his ass as that is your fantasy. He goes first, then if he gives it a go, maybe give him a go.

Show quote history

^this, yes you'll do it but first you want to peg him... long hard fast and with something BIG, just like in porn.

butterbeansauce · 04/08/2024 08:57

Velvian · 04/08/2024 08:48

@butterbeansauce, there should be absolutely no 'compromise' on anal sex. It is harmful to women and not pleasurable and OP does not want to do it. Far, far better to be single than to buy into any idea that anyone gets a say on whether you are analy penetrated.

I agree completely. The same with any unwanted sex act as I made clear in my other post. My comments here were about generally talking about dissatisfaction with your sex life, not about coercing people into acts they've made clear they don't want to do. Sorry for any confusion.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 08:59

OP if you don’t want anal then it doesn’t happen. Is there anything you’d like to try that would spice up your sex life?

As he’s open to pegging and having toys inserted, are you willing to do this with him?

Negroany · 04/08/2024 08:59

candycrush02 · 04/08/2024 08:55

^this, yes you'll do it but first you want to peg him... long hard fast and with something BIG, just like in porn.

Show quote history

That's just silly. She WON'T do it, because she doesn't want to. That's the end of it.

If he wants her to do it to him, that's a separate thing and she may want to. I had a guy who wanted me to do that, but I declined as it just felt like me doing work and getting nothing from it. I'm sure some women get turned on by pegging a guy, but it was of no interest to me. So I didn't.

Hollietree · 04/08/2024 09:00

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 08:23

It's not blackmail. That's when you threaten to reveal damaging information about someone if you don't give them what they want.

What he's doing is a plain old threat. Do this or divorce.

Show quote history

Blackmail means controlling someone by threatening to reveal something about them.

Emotional blackmail means controlling someone by using emotional manipulation. Exactly true in this case - if you don’t have anal sex with me I will divorce you.