Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

This! She keeps changing herself to please him. He's coercive, emotionally blackmailing her, abusive etc....this isn't a husband, this is a rapist in the making.

I would find a hill to dump him on. You don't need him.

I think this a form of abuse. He is trying to blackmail you into have anal sex.

Maybe it's about frequency and if they like it more than vaginal. I once asked my man if he preferred anal to vaginal and he said hell no. And anal is only a part of what we do, not the biggest part.

Conversely, I have a friend who wants to try anal and her husband is all "Never in a million years."

It sucks when people are sexually incompatible.

The hill-to-die-on comment, we need to know if he meant specifically anal or an improvement in their sex life generally.

Tell him to pack his bags and jog on, he sounds like hard work.

Because her husband is trying to coerce her into it with a threat of divorce if she doesn't comply.

If the conversation had gone, 'darling I really fancy trying anal' and she'd said, 'no sorry it isn't my bag' and he'd said, 'oh okay that's fine, I just thought I'd ask' and she'd said, 'that's fine', no there wouldn't have been a need for further discussion. But he didn't do that, did he?

But I think you know that and are just arguing for the sake of it. In anal threads there are always at least two posters that go all 'cool girl' and 'why not just try taking it up the arse, the water's lovely'. Weirdly it never happens with any other sex act. People are never being shamed into trying age play, furries or being peed on.

Look, I don't care if you love it. Or being weed on for that matter. Go ahead in the privacy of your own home. I don't care.But don't come on a website that's largely there to help women who are struggling with difficult situations and try and dismiss them and trivialise their dilemmas.

Women spend enough of their lives, particularly when young, being conditioned to play nice. Don't add to that here. That's why people get so pissed off with the 'cool girl' crowd. They can see you and they're sick to death with it.

Op , you've mentioned lots of things you're doing to improve things between the two of you but nothing that he is doing. Well , apart from trying to get you to do things in bed that you don't want. And that's not a positive thing.

Please seek therapy alone and step away from joint sessions until you know what you really want and how you feel about everything.

He really doesn't sound like a good partner.

Evaluate your position now, OP.
Don't progress from this place.
You've thought about it -you know you don't want to try.
If you cede to your partner's request; let him 'try' it and you find it every bit as unappealing as you have reason to believe you will, it'll be really shit.
He will likely feel more insistent you try again, having whetted his whistle, and continue to pester and coerce you. The chances of him realising he's been a rapey dick and apologising and promising never to bully you again are remote.
All you'll be left with is the really awful feeling of being pushed into overriding your own boundaries, being proven right, and very likely him not really appearing to care. A much worse place to be than sticking to your 'No' now.

A hill I would die on - not being emotionally blackmailed into doing sexual acts that I am not comfortable with.

A rapist?? I think that's going way too far. He said divorce if they don't try it, not rape. Divorcing for this is morally gross and disgusting and all kinds of terrible, but it's not illegal or a crime to divorce over sexual incompatibility. I think a comment like that is disrespectful of what rape victims go through.

Plus. we're still not clear if the anal specifically is the hill he's going to die on or the unsatisfying (to him) sex life overall.

It was an awful thing to say, either way. And as if ultimatums are going to make OP want sex with him!!

“I will divorce you if you don’t let me fuck you in the ass”. I mean; what? The pornsickness is strong in this one.

Lots of people don't know that anal sex is far more dangerous for women than it is for men. Like most women's health most women and girls are in the dark about this. Over half of women will experience some type of pelvic organ prolapse in their life due to child birth and other factors - (including lifting heavy weights without training the pelvic floor, running without engaging the pelvic floor).

Porn is normalising anal sex as something women should enjoy while GPs are seeing young girls in their surgeries with anal injuries.

No one is talking about it because people are frightened to question things which might hurt this idea that we have a right to express ourselves and our sexuality as we wish and anything else is being prudish.

The wall between the anus and vagina is not that thick. It regularly gets damaged during childbirth, especially with tearing and episiotomies and can cause the bowel to prolapse into the vagina. Please give your husband some literature on this.

Currently people take the lead from the porn industry more than they do medical literature. Most women and men are in the dark about so much. Please enlighten each other -especially your daughters -about pelvic health

You don't want to do it, that is enough, the answer is no. Regardless of situation and impact.

Let him die on the hill or better yet beat him to the top of the hill and LTB

Again, I'm not appreciating the rape talk. This man has threatened divorce if his sex life doesn't improve or if she doesn't give him anal - not sure which. That's morally horrendous, but it's not a crime. His solution is to split up, not to threaten to rape her. Calling him a rapey dick downplays what victims of rape go through.

Anal sex for men is very different from anal sex for women so him being willing to receive a dildo really isnt relevant. Our bodies are anatomically different and we are less well equipped to deal with anal penetration. We don't have a prostate (so reduced pleasure) and the anal walls are thinner which can lead to injury and even prolapse. This isn't to say there isn't pleasure to be had for women, this area is full of blood vessels and nerves so can be easily stimulated. However, as a pp has said, there needs to be trust, sensitivity and willingness to make it enjoyable and I can't see any evidence of any of those things here. Stand your ground op

But if she's not going to say yes, he can't do it

He can 'die on that hill' and leave the marriage (if he wants to be a twunt) but she still does not have to say yes (& if he does - not someone I would want to be with anyway)

My point was - if both of them are unhappy sexually, that's not great, and could they look at alternative compromises

If she doesn't want to, then that is her decision. If he want to leave because of that, that is his

It's not blackmail. That's when you threaten to reveal damaging information about someone if you don't give them what they want.

What he's doing is a plain old threat. Do this or divorce.

Bravo! And explain it properly - say if you want me to be anally incontinent, I want the same for you.

Yeah actually, all other issues aside, he does sound like hard work.

Saturday3 , secretly in the closet? Don't be coerced into anything you don't want to do. Coercion to do something you don't want to is seen as sexual assault in my workplace policy. Don't think this relationship is worth hanging on to. x

What sort of 'research' does he expect exactly?
If you don't want to then you don't want to.
When has he suddenly developed this desire? Does he expect you to just agree to everything he wants even if he hasn't previously expressed an interest?

This. Strictly one way traffic from that hole. Why would you play in a sewer pipe when there's a purpose built area next door ?

Fine, but the OP's "open and honest communication" is that she doesn’t want to. Isn’t that valid?