Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

You're right in a general sense, but in the instance we're talking about, there is nothing at all to suggest that OP's husband would rape her. He has clearly stated that splitting up is the consequence.

I've just read some more of OP's responses, and she says that the hill-to-die-on comment was about their sex life in general, rather than about that one act. That's an important distinction. Sadly, some people do split up over sexual incompatibility, as sex is very important to some people.

This is about a mismatch, so I think that comparisons to rape and rape culture aren't accurate here, but perhaps we can hear from OP on this. She knows best if she thinks he's capable of raping her.

Ask him why he’s so fascinated? Might help if you’re at all undecided

if you’re completely decided, no is a complete sentence but to help you get on the same page sexually he might appreciate you explaining clearly what your reasons are. He might then come back with ‘but you could…’ to which no is the complete sentence. Persuasion and coercion is not ok. Asking is but it does sound like he’s pressuring too far at the moment .:

if you’re undecided and are potentially willing to try I would do your own research into being comfortable - privacy, lube, slow and most of all he’s absolutely guaranteed to stop if you say so no questions asked. Ifyou can’t guarantee that then it’s a no.

From a very adventurous, anal loving woman. It's a no from me. You don't want to. That's enough. No is no. Nobody should pressure you into trying something you don't want to do. And anal hurts if you're not into it. He will hurt you if you can't relax yourself into it.

The suggestion of pegging is a good one actually. If he's not willing to try to take it then it's a conversation ender. But my partner also said he found a massive amount of respect for it after receiving it.

I do think you sound sexually incompatible though and personally I couldn't accept an unsatisfactory sex life for the rest of my life.

You should not have felt any discomfort after. He obviously wasn't being gentle enough, went on for too long, or didn't use enough lube. My DP is quite big, but I never feel the slightest discomfort after, and it's not because I'm used to it. We go months without doing it. He's just very slow and patient on the way in, is gentle throughout, we use buckets of lube, and the max time is 15 min.

And there are plenty of women too. He’s totally out of line but let’s not go there.

It's not about the pleasure, anal is pleasurable, or csn be pleasurable. Its about the vulnerability, the need to relax and let something where it shouldn't be. You lean into an uncomfortable sensation to find the pleasure. And if you don't, it's painful. My partner is incredibly open and adventurous, he can't "take" what I can. Make sure to make it fair and get an actual penis sized dildo and go at it like he would on you. So he knows what he's actually asking of you. (Edit to say, I don't mean, if he's struggling, continue and use it to punish him. I mean give him the actual opportunity to experience what physically he is asking for. Using a little prostrate vibrator is not the same as letting a penis thrust in you and he needs to understand what he's asking for. But if it hurts you obviously stop. And then later you have the conversation of it not being as easy as he thought is it and he can't expect you to do that when he can't and he's the one who wants it.)

But if you don't want to peg him, you don't have to either.

But yes, sex would be an absolute deal breaker for me and DP, we have had the discussion at length, we swing anyway but we both agree that if either of us was long term out of action then the other could swing alone (which we never do) becuase you can't expect someone to go without their needs being met for the rest of their lives. You just can't.

OP has never said her DH would try it without her consent!

He is pressuring her. By saying things like "it's a hill he's willing to die on" and "there's a point he will have to walk away" then he is essentially threatening her with divorce. She can't consent in those circumstances, it is coercion.

He is not a good guy. He is clearly watching too much porn and has no respect for her boundaries. They are already in therapy and the signs are all there that this is not a healthy or loving relationship. To be honest, this marriage is already doomed. He's shown he's happy to blackmail OP into performing sex acts that she doesn't want to do i order to satisfy himself. I couldn't stay married to someone like that.

I have tried anal sex with DH after discussing it together. It wasn't for me and that is fine. He fully accepted that and has never once mentioned it again. If people want to try it, or try it and like it then that is fine....but without enthusiastic consent let's call it what it is. Rape.

I don’t care what it seems like to you, sadly it was the truth (unless he was lying to me?)

I would end this marriage for the threat alone.

He knows how you feel but is not respecting it. He sees you as a sex toy only and not a human being.

I would say, "Off you fuck then. Enjoy all the sex".

There's nothing in it for women, we're built differently. And it's not worth risking your sphincter muscle for. It's only because of porn that men think women enjoy it! Don't they realise they are being paid as actors to act?!

This was my first thought: leave some shopping pages for bloody big dildos on his computer and see what he says.

OP did clarify in a subsequent post that the hill-to-die-on comment was about "their marriage and the problems they've had," their mismatched sex drives being one of them. That's an important distinction. In the original post, it sounds as if he was threatening divorce over anal, but it seems the comment was about wider issues.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the reasons that some people divorce. It's not uncommon, and it's a valid reason for divorce. If sex is a big part of marriage for someone, and it's long-term unsatisfying, they have a right to get divorced and find someone more sexually compatible.

For this reason, I don't find the rape comparisons accurate. This is about a sexual mismatch, and his solution is a possible split.

If you have boundaries then please stick by it. Anal sex hurts, because it's not supposed to go up there. Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave, let him. You deserve so much better.

You don't want to, which should be enough. Research isn't going to change your mind, but more likely - because of the health issues for women - confirm you in your decision.

If you are tired at 10 pm why not schedule sex in the daytime (I know, 4 year old! Some creative time-management?)

Can't be bothered to read this whole thread so has anyone mentioned Christopher Hitchens' quote? "The four most over-rated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics" I am pretty on board with that. Anyway, the overall thing is that he needs sexual release, that is an orgasm, probably every day. He probably has a wank every day. He prefers if this orgasm is with you or as a result of sex with you. That's not a bad thing. He thinks that anal will mean he can cum every day without interruption during the month and it will be a nice dominant fantasy that will make him cum. That is probably just wrong as he sounds like he wouldn't enjoy it as much as he thinks and you are back to square one. Maybe as an alternative, he watches the porn and wanks with you or you wank him on go down or whatever. The main thing is that he wants to be with you when he cums. Making this work will mean you'll need to recognise that and find a way for it to happen and for it to happen for you too, as much as you prefer.

I think it's fine for him to explore what he wants, what he's into, what he wants to try. It's totally fine to talk about anything really, it's healthy and fair play to him.

But, it's OK for you to say no to any of it. It's 100% your body, 100% your rules. And vice versa for him if you wanted him to try things, he can say no to any of it.

It's also OK if the expectation gap can't be closed and this is a 'hill to die on' - you both have to accept you're no longer sexually compatible with each other which could potentially end the marriage.

Personally to be it seems a crazy thing to end a union for and impact the lives of 4 DCs, but I guess it depends how strongly both sides of the discussion feel about the topic.

All these women saying you have to do it slow and use loads of lube and it has to be done carefully. Why?? What does that tell you about the act? Before porn, most straight men viewed anal sex as a homosexuals act that had nothing to do with them. I’ve heard crass terms used to describe it to do with poo. Now porn has somehow made it appealing to some. It’s grim.

I agree wholeheartedly. I daresay if I banged my head against a brick wall repeatedly I would get used to it but why would I?

I would do your research just like he's asked you to OP. Then point out to him all the potential problems for women of anal sex. Women have a much smaller back passage than men so unless he has a very small penis you could end up with tearing, leakage! Etc. it's not worth it OP.

I'm 45 as well.
Sex of any sort is finished, repulses me, never been into it much.
Cannot imagine trying anal sex.
Husband, significantly older, is "happy go lucky"
to have me in his life and so am I.
You don't want to try this.
Full stop.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. I quite like it, but discovered that myself through masturbation. If it's not something you have an urge to try, don't bother. He is getting ideas from porn.

He’s said some vile things to you. He’s threatened you he’ll leave. He sounds really horrible and I think you’d be better off without him.

To the OP, writing as a guy and without knowing your husbands age it sounds like he may have caught some of the usual sex fantasies that are marketed to us from various sources eg porn, soc/media, commercial.

I can understand how someone who hadn't tried it would want to try it as...why not ? I include women in this, as depending on the approach here there's a spectrum from Puritanical prude to off grid nympho lunatic but anal sex is not really out there I would say and feel most all people should at least try it, as it could be a new source of pleasure.

Having stated this, there isn't much fun in my experience in having sex in a way that both aren't into, so if you haven't done so, why don't you try anal play as part of solo sex to see if you feel it has any mileage for you ? You would probably need to do this beforehand anyway to get used to a new sensation. If you went straight to trying anal sex without any prepping etc this would seem almost certain to be a disaster waiting to happen.

If you're REALLY not into it then this having experimented a good few times, this could potentially grow into an issue as it will either demonstrate that you have zero pleasure or interest in this which may be your real libido, it could be an unconscious block of some kind on the lines of resistance, although unlikely, your husband will also need to consider how important it is and if he also would benefit from reviewing his ideas around this, perhaps professionally for both if it gets that far.

At the end of the day, to be honest in my experience, anal sex is quite over hyped although if engaged in with some joy can be an additional aspect of sexual play to enjoy but it definitely should not be the beginning of the end if the relationship is strong in other aspects.

I think part of the problem is porn, anal sex in porn happens very quickly, no warming someone up or taking your time.
it makes it look like anal sex is no big deal, 2 penises in there, sure why not!

Increasingly I’ve been asked for it from partners, but it is a big deal. If done wrong it can be very painful and actually cause medical issues. I watched a documentary and ex porn stars were talking about problems with prolapse and anal incontinence because of how their assholes have been treated.

I mean, OP asked for views and experiences of anal sex, and those were the things that made it enjoyable for me, so...🤷‍♂️

Posters are talking only about the physical act, saying it's only an exit, there's nothing in it for women, and as you said above, the slowness/lube etc. implies the act isn't meant to be done.

However, for me at least - and one other poster referred to this - the enjoyment is very much mental and emotional, too. So taboo, so hot, so dirty, and to be vulnerable with him and to feel him taking such good care of me in return, mean that the handful of times we've done it have been some of the most erotic moments of my life. He made it good by bring extremely romantic, kissing my neck, my back, playing with my hair...I was nervous before the first time, but what made me try it was curiosity. For me, it all melted into a pot of filth and romance. In fact, I thought romance was romance and dirty sex was dirty sex. I never dreamed that the two could fall together so perfectly. That romance could be so dirty and that dirty sex could be so romantic. I definitely feel that it pushed my mental, emotional, and physical experience of sex onto a new level.

The point of this post is to demonstrate that posters can't speak for all women about this. You asked above why "all these women" do it if you have to go slow and use lube etc. The above is why.