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Original poster

Husband wants anal sex

632 replies

Saturday3 · 03/08/2024 22:28

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

OP posts:
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8
MoveToParis · 04/08/2024 07:03

I agree but think it’s even worse because the marriage counselor is obviously complicit in this.

Where the hell are they when it comes to boundary setting, respect, the impact of porn?

I would definitely be bringing this up as an example of coercion, and say you want to talk about that.

Also, if you relent once, it will always be expected of you.

MrRydersParlourGame · 04/08/2024 07:03

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 04:37

I've had anal sex with just one man, and it was amazing because he really knew what he was doing. Once he's in, it hardly feels any different from vaginal. The two passages are close together and if not for the initial entry, I don't think I'd know it wasn't vaginal.

I would never, ever in a million years have guessed I would like it. It was strangely hot and romantic.

If you two ever go ahead, use tons and TONS and tons of lube, and he has to take it really slow. Plus - and this a tip from the sex-meister I had anal with - it sounds counter-intuitive, but as he's going in, you should push your anal muscles out gently, as if you're doing a poo. Apparently that helps open up your butt.

Now, the moral quandary: I do not like that he said it's a hill he's willing to die on. WTH is that supposed to mean? He's gonna divorce you if you don't try it? That's a terrible thing to say.

I have SOME sympathy for his point that if you don't try it, he'll never know, since he's not planning to be with anyone else ever. Not much, but some.

Ultimately though, you have the final say on this. You can take his thoughts and feelings into account, but it's your body, your choice. And it's incumbent on him to accept his wife's "No." Just because you're married, it does not give him the right to free access to your body. You're a person with your own agency, and I think too many married men forget that. Whatever you decide, it sounds like your husband needs a talking-to about respect and boundaries.

If YOU wanted to explore sexual boundaries and try this out as a potentially fun new bonding experience, fine. But if the whole idea repulses you and you can't bring yourself to see it as a potentially sexy hot thing like he apparently does, then you say no and you remind him that he does not own you.

YOU own you. Full stop.

Just as a counterpoint, I have absolutely no sympathy for the idea that the poor dear man will have to never have anal sex if he honours his wedding vows.

They've never had it before so it is reasonable to expect upon making vows that that was never part of his life in the same way they didn't have an open relationship so he knew he was likely never going to sleep with anyone else ever again.

And honestly, if "missing out" on a particular sexual experience is the biggest problem he has, he's an incredibly pampered individual.

No sympathy.

Floppyelf · 04/08/2024 07:06

wizzywig · 03/08/2024 22:32

He's getting ideas from porn. Say yes you'll do the research and so you're going to peg him

This. Make it a two way street. If he wants it. He’s gonna have to get pegged first.

101Nutella · 04/08/2024 07:09

You don’t need to try something to prove you don’t like it.

men can be coercive using that train of thought. If you don’t want to which is perfectly normal, no is a full answer.

there are many things in life that I haven’t tried, visited, done etc because I have no interest to. As an autonomous human. If someone pressured me I wouldn’t want to be with them.

You could discuss opening up the marriage so both of you can find partners who meet the kind of sex you desire? With firm rules etc it Coul help your husband or it might make him more determine on that path.

tbh @Saturday3 it doesn’t sound like you’re compatible sexually currently WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE. just coz he watches porn and wants to be highly sexed doesn’t mean you do. How he’s handling it would give me the ick. It feels very pushy and coercive like he’s wanting to act out fantasies and not bothered about who it’s with.

what has he done to seduce you? If you’re more about intellect then what’s he doing on that and also how is he helping you not to be so tired by 10 pm to increase chances?

NewGreenDuck · 04/08/2024 07:10

I'd tell him to close the door on the way out. You have made it plain you don't want to do anal. He's behaving like a spoiled child not getting his own way. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both parties. He clearly doesn't care if you enjoy it providing he gets his own way.
If he feels that he's missing out then he can sod off and look for A. N. Other.

ToriMJ · 04/08/2024 07:15

Urgh divorce this man. Let him go die on his hill. You'll be so much happier.

NotAnotherDodgyNameChange · 04/08/2024 07:18

I had an ex like your H. He wanted it, and proceeded even when preparation steps were excruciatingly painful for me. He was abusive in other ways too.

Years later, I decided it was something I wanted to explore in the context of the relationship with my now DH. Being relaxed and actually wanting it made it pleasurable for me, we've done it a few times, it's fun for me (apparently for some women the nerves from our sexual organs also wrap around that area--I suspect this is me, too). In that context, where I initiate it, it's not degrading for me at all.

All this to say--I don't have a fixed view on anal sex generally. I do, however, think your first sentence says it all. You've consulted your sex drive, you don't want to do it, the research ends there. You don't need to do any other research than that.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/08/2024 07:23

If you try it, what will be next? Because there will be something else. This request is just part of a wider issue.
I take it he has absolutely no idea what it’s like to be perimenopausal? I’m not suggesting it means you have a limited/boring sex life, but you are not a performance artist.
What he is watching on screen is dulling his responses in real life. So he’s wanting to almost cajole you into something you don’t want to do.
This is supposed to be an enjoyable part of your marriage, not a tick list where he gets to write the list.
If he is a similar age to you, and wants to die on this hill, good luck to him if he wants to find someone else who will put up with his demands.
Is there any room for what you want here? Tell him to do the research. That for most women, sex is about connection and intimacy.
Do the research on his request? Tell him to do his own. Go and find someone taller than him and a few stone heavier to give him the full experience.
I could not bear to be around a man like this.

MattSmithsBowTie · 04/08/2024 07:26

I wouldn’t do it and it’s a hill I’d die on, no one’s ever asked me either. To be honest if a man asked me to do anal I’d probably wonder if he was a closeted homosexual.

hendoop · 04/08/2024 07:26

I think the issue is the sex drive not the Amal request- he wants more and it's his way of expressing and feeling love, you don't.

The Anal is attempt at suggesting an alternative or perhaps fantasy.

It is ok to divorce if you are not happy and if your needs are not fulfilled and if he is willing to do this then I would let him as you should never do an act you do not want to sexually to appease your partner as you will build resentment

dothehokeycokey · 04/08/2024 07:27

I would be telling him his hill he's going to die on will be embarrassing when you state the reason for divorce on the papers.

Twat

2021x · 04/08/2024 07:33

Consent for sex includes “enthusiastic and willing”.

It’s not that you have a low sex drive it’s that you don’t want to have sex with him. Your post gives insight that it’s all about his needs. That’s going to dry anyone up with good reason.

Posing · 04/08/2024 07:34

He has basically told you that anal sex is his ‘hill to die on’; if you don’t cooperate, then your marriage is over.

If he values your relationship so little that he is willing to leave over not being able to stick his dick up your arse then tell him to fuck off.

You have tried to resolve the sex issues. It’s not working. Split up.

Summerpigeon · 04/08/2024 07:35

You tell him no
You tell him you won't be having any sex your not 100% up for .
And if he choose to leave over that ,good riddance.
Why are you even entertaining this shit
Your not a blow up doll for his pleasure

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 07:38

MrRydersParlourGame · 04/08/2024 07:03

Just as a counterpoint, I have absolutely no sympathy for the idea that the poor dear man will have to never have anal sex if he honours his wedding vows.

They've never had it before so it is reasonable to expect upon making vows that that was never part of his life in the same way they didn't have an open relationship so he knew he was likely never going to sleep with anyone else ever again.

And honestly, if "missing out" on a particular sexual experience is the biggest problem he has, he's an incredibly pampered individual.

No sympathy.

Show quote history

Imo he's allowed to want what he wants and to feel sad that he'll never know what it feels like.

He's NOT allowed to pressure his wife into doing that thing.

StartingOver2024 · 04/08/2024 07:38

He has told you that he is willing to end the relationship over sex. Are you? If a man asked me multiple times to have anal after I said no and instead of accepting tried to convince me I would end the relationship. How are you supposed to have sex comfortably with someone who ignores your boundaries. I am willing to bet at some point he will "slip" in an attempt

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 07:43

MattSmithsBowTie · 04/08/2024 07:26

I wouldn’t do it and it’s a hill I’d die on, no one’s ever asked me either. To be honest if a man asked me to do anal I’d probably wonder if he was a closeted homosexual.

Oh, that's a bit much! Many, MANY straight men like anal.

LizzieBennett73 · 04/08/2024 07:44

It's perfectly OK to use the word no within your marriage OP.

Marriage and relationships are about listening, supporting and compromise. Doesn't sound like he's doing any of those....

Restaurantcritic · 04/08/2024 07:44

Ugh. I can’t think of anything worse. Why are men obsessed with anal sex?

But tbh I’m a big old prude so my view is probably very old fashioned!

MrRydersParlourGame · 04/08/2024 07:48

Restaurantcritic · 04/08/2024 07:44

Ugh. I can’t think of anything worse. Why are men obsessed with anal sex?

But tbh I’m a big old prude so my view is probably very old fashioned!

You don't have to do that and make a joking apology of your sexual preferences and boundaries.

It doesn't make you a "prude", "old-fashioned" or any other terms used to shame women into doing things they don't want to do for the sexual benefit of other people. Flowers

CrunchyCarrot · 04/08/2024 07:49
  1. You should never, ever partake in things that make you uncomfortable. You don't have to 'research' anal sex (i.e. actually do it) in order to prove your decision is right for you. That will only open you up to more pressure from your 'D'H, and likely be an upsetting experience for you.
  2. Your husband is being extremely selfish. He isn't willing to take your own views and feelings into consideration.
  3. Giving you an ultimatum that your relationship will be over if you don't comply is emotional blackmail. I'd call him out on it. Tell him no, you won't do and he can go ahead and leave, and see what happens!
  4. He doesn't really love you, either. If he did he would drop the subject and respect your feelings.
Flatdog · 04/08/2024 07:50

I would leave this man. He sounds a sexual bully. Coercing someone into sex they aren’t comfortable with a threat to “walk away” is appalling. You deserve so much better. You will probably feel more like sex with someone who isn’t a rapey bully. Why is he watching porn? Porn gives a completely male centred and skewered fake version of sex where female enjoyment isn’t even an afterthought. Your DH gives me the ick. “Anxious” without sex for a couple of days, eww. What an insecure loser.

Blibbleflibble · 04/08/2024 07:53

Absolutely not! Not because I think there's anything wrong with anal for people who enjoy it but because you are not enthusiastic about trying it.

He is emotionally blackmailing you and insinuating your marriage is in trouble if you don't. Sex by coercion is not consent in my book.

If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. Do not let him grind you down, it sounds like you're trying really hard to get your "mojo" back. What's he doing to help your sex life? Being romantic? Whisking you off on dates? Taking more interest in your interests and talking to you on a passionate and intellectual level? Or just running off to watch porn and suggesting anal? Because if its just the latter no wonder you don't find him sexy anymore. Xx

Sparklywata · 04/08/2024 07:56

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 07:43

Oh, that's a bit much! Many, MANY straight men like anal.

Show quote history

True. But it’s also reasonable to wonder if they’re in the closet.

There was a guy who everyone in his community knew was gay. He wasn’t out though but everyone just knew. He got a wife from his parents country Pakistan, some innocent village girl.

She ended up in hospital with all the anal sex they’d did. It is possible in some instances, not all, for this desire to be linked to a part of their sexuality being hidden or suppressed.

I know another girl who suspected it when her ex wanted anal and when they separated and had got back together, she was using his computer and saw he’d logged on dating sites and was displaying as open to men.

I think it just depends on the context, I’ve had only one guy asked me and I didn’t and don’t think he was gay, but if someone else asked me in the future I might think it.