Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Yuck. He sounds awful!!

Also, Anal can easily lead to tears that get infected.

I doubt this is true. I doubt he is rooting through bins to see what has been thrown away (and tampons would likely be flushed if this was happening.

Sounds like a homophobic rumour.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women

lt causes a range of problems for women, and in a relatively short space of time regular anal sex can cause the anal sphincter to weaken so that eventually it fails to close properly after bowel movements, resulting in leakage/incontinence.

I've had anal sex with just one man, and it was amazing because he really knew what he was doing. Once he's in, it hardly feels any different from vaginal. The two passages are close together and if not for the initial entry, I don't think I'd know it wasn't vaginal.

I would never, ever in a million years have guessed I would like it. It was strangely hot and romantic.

If you two ever go ahead, use tons and TONS and tons of lube, and he has to take it really slow. Plus - and this a tip from the sex-meister I had anal with - it sounds counter-intuitive, but as he's going in, you should push your anal muscles out gently, as if you're doing a poo. Apparently that helps open up your butt.

Now, the moral quandary: I do not like that he said it's a hill he's willing to die on. WTH is that supposed to mean? He's gonna divorce you if you don't try it? That's a terrible thing to say.

I have SOME sympathy for his point that if you don't try it, he'll never know, since he's not planning to be with anyone else ever. Not much, but some.

Ultimately though, you have the final say on this. You can take his thoughts and feelings into account, but it's your body, your choice. And it's incumbent on him to accept his wife's "No." Just because you're married, it does not give him the right to free access to your body. You're a person with your own agency, and I think too many married men forget that. Whatever you decide, it sounds like your husband needs a talking-to about respect and boundaries.

If YOU wanted to explore sexual boundaries and try this out as a potentially fun new bonding experience, fine. But if the whole idea repulses you and you can't bring yourself to see it as a potentially sexy hot thing like he apparently does, then you say no and you remind him that he does not own you.

YOU own you. Full stop.

Haha.
I thunk this should be compulsory for all men who want anal sex, just so they know how it feels. There'll be differing reactions, obviously, on both sides!

It's not homophobic. Gay men don't have access to perfectly good third hole for sex. If they did, I'm confident that for most of them the hole that shit comes out of (which is full of e. coli) would not be tops on their list.

Just as I thought. I can't imagine trying to get something up my bum. Sounds like torture 😱

Another thought: Marriage is all about compromise, of course. Perhaps the compromise could be that you don't receive anal, but that you peg him, and also that you schedule more frequent sex of the regular kind. And maybe try a few different things, like sex outside in an isolated place, or new positions. He doesn't get to do anal on you, but he does get more adventurous sex and more sex in general. Would that work? Then he might find it easier to accept no anal on you, if he's getting more and trying other things.

Have you tried light bondage? I find that very good. I love it when I'm on my back and he pins my arms above my head. Once, my guy had used some kind of special straps so that I was on my back with my arms kind of tied to my legs. Not sure whether to my thighs or calves as I was blindfold. But anyway, he was using an electric wand on me and it felt great. Then, unexpectedly, he gave me a soft kiss on the lips, and I didn't see it coming as I was blindfolded. It was so erotic. There's all sorts of stuff you can do that don't involve anything up your bum.

I know married sex can be a PITA and you probably just want a cup of tea and a book - oh, I have been there. (I'm divorced.) But maybe you could try to think of sex as a way to relax. Most men just want to pump and dump, but MAKE him touch you the way you want to be touched. Relaxing touch, massage, lots of kissing, all the bits that men miss, like how sensitive our backs are.

I think we have to teach men how women need and want to be touched and pleased. Get an electric wand and make him use it on you during sex. I'm almost 50 and a man did this on me ONCE, and it's the only time I've ever climaxed during intercourse. My sex life has been crap, actually, apart from this one guy. I wish so much I had spoken up and INSISTED on better sex that suited me more as a woman, and shown them what to do. (I tried to insist with my ex-husband, and he refused. So that was great. He claims he thought I was joking when I tried to discuss it with him. I tried three times to tell him.)

I really hope you can find a compromise where sex is concerned. It would be such a pity to break up over that. Marriage taught me that sex is way, way WAY more important to men than it will ever be to women, GENERALLY SPEAKING. (Don't come for me, internet. I know it's a generalisation.) That's just the way it is. I had a dead bedroom for years in my marriage, and it was my husband who didn't want me. It was so incredibly sad. When you're both old, you might miss his health and virility and desire.

But your husband needs to compromise too, and accept your No.

We used a TON of lube, he went slow, and it was totally fine. For me, it was an amazing experience. But he really knew what he was doing. He wasn't small, and I had zero discomfort the next day. He was an expert, and made sure to kiss me lots while we were doing it. Neck, back. lips, he stroked my hair, it was just so erotic and amazing.

Also, once you get past the outer part, it's like a cavern in there. Think of an upside down bottle. The outer ring is a bit tight at first, ngl, but it's fine with lube once you get past it.

I can't say it enough: LUBE LUBE LUBE!

The anus is pretty clean unless you've just gone to the loo. We have condomless anal and it's fine. He's very experienced and has had anal lots over the years with no condom (in committed relationships.) He's never had an infection. If I know in advance that we're going to do anal when we see each other - and we do plan it in advance - I'll usually take a bit of Imodium a few hours before we do it, so that I haven't just gone beforehand. I have IBS, so I'm used to taking it.

I don’t get these kind of threads sometimes. Op says she doesn’t want to do it and there’s always a few posters saying how amazing it is and giving tips on how to do it. That’s all well and good for you but the op doesn’t want to do it and that’s fine too

This! 😆 I bet most men would if you asked

If tons and tons of lube is used, and he is gentle and patient, these injuries should not happen. We do it occasionally - not every week or anything - and he's not small at all, but I have zero soreness the next day. When you think about it, poops are about penis size, sooo....

Gentle is the watchword, along with lube.

If you mean me, the OP posted on here that she wanted "people's views and experience of the anal thing." 🤷‍♂️

I believe I also made it abundantly clear that her No is the law, that her body belongs to her and her alone, and that he doesn't get free access to her body because they are married. I said her husband needs a talk about respect and boundaries. I also suggested a way of compromising that doesn't involve anything up her bum.

If he is saying that improving your sex life is his 'hill to die on' I think you do need to think about that seriously.

I don't read that as him saying 'anal sex or I'm outta here' but clearly he is pretty desperate for things to improve and I can't say thats a wildly unreasonable thing to want.

As far as anal goes, I won't recap others experiences, mine have been the same re finding it significantly more pleasurable than I'd ever expected...

I will say - I've been through periods in my life where I have absolutely NOT wanted anal sex... then where its been a massive turn on... and then back to 'no thanks'.. and so on.

If you're feeling worried and generally bad about sex at the minute, then the idea of something taboo, risky, something that makes you very vulnerable is of course going to be pretty abhorrent... but if you felt more relaxed, secure etc, you may feel differently.

The big deal is, you have to be able to talk frankly about these things without someone getting upset or annoyed - how you feel is how you feel (and the same goes for him) - it might change, but how you feel is valid in that moment and change won't happen by being pressured, bullied, nagged or given ultimatums.

I can't believe he's willing to divorce you if you don't let him do this.

You obviously don't want to or you wouldn't be here.

It's a shame your sex drives and desires no longer align, but the fact he is willing to end your marriage over this tells you he values sex above everything. Do you really want to be married to this man?

He sounds grim OP .No one should have to do anything they dont want to. I think you would be better off apart TBH ,I get some people are OK with it ,but from a health viewpoint it is risky for women .Esp with your issues .You are not a porn star for his amusement!

This is perfect.

my husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

Has HE done HIS research? It's a much riskier experience for women than men, and doctors are seeing increasing numbers of women with severe internal damage.

thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life
I think you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your life with someone who will coerce you into something sexually, which is was he's doing if it's a hill he's willing to die on

Coerced sexual experiences are rape. End of.

Yes some of these replies are horrific. Someone talking about needing lots of wine and lube to do anal. If you need to get boozed up to do a sexual act that’s a bit of a problem there.

Your husband is participating in "rape culture". You've said no, you don't want to, and instead of accepting your "no" to sex, he has taken this as his cue to bully, coerce and manipulate you into this sex. That's rape.

The only thing he is entitled to do is accept your "no" and decide whether or not that means he wants to end the marriage. He has essentially already told you it does, so he'd better get on and do it. That is the difference between him making a legitimate decision (however little I'd make it myself) and using it as a coercive threat.

Gently, OP, it sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse for the marriage to end but is too spineless to actually walk away himself, and is trying to make you do it for him so that he doesn't have to be the "bad guy". How conscious or subconscious this game is, i couldn't tell you, but of lay money this is part of what's going on.

If you give into this threat he will do it, of course, but then you'll find the next, more outlandish, request will come along to see if that will make you end it for him. Then he will play the victim, of course, but that's part of the point.

I'd seriously stay planning for a future without him, OP, either way.

Best of luck.

This

Yep.

*I'd lay money
*start planning for a future without him

Sorry!

Absolutely.

• Why did you and your ex wife divorce?
• she wouldn't let me force her into anal sex