Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

I cam understand that he may be upset at the thought of you having mismatched sex drives and wants, however the alternative is that you are coerced into doing something you don't want to do.

The notion that you not wanting something doesn't correlate into his mind that actually of you did ever do that, it wouldn't be for your own pleasure, but you'd put up with it for him, would absolutely change my viewpoint on him, who he is, and how safe he is.

It reads to me that he is manipulating you to change your mind, and I honestly think the tactics he is using is not too dissimilar to behaviour of a rapist.

I would buy the biggest, hardest strap-on cock with all the straps etc and say, “After you…”

Tell him no you don’t want to and you’d rather to divorce than be coerced into an unwanted sexual act. You should leave him anyway because he’s horrible.

If you're already not enjoying sex with him in the 'regular' fashion, then I very much doubt suddenly, after 30 odd years, introducing anal will be particularly enjoyable for you.
Not BC anal can't be enjoyable, but his attitude is just off and wrong. He clearly isn't thinking about giving you pleasure through anal. Just his own needs.
And 'do your research'!? What an idiotic thing to say. Research would've been you trying anal by choice a few times over the years with different partners or circumstances, and always fully consensual, and you deciding if you liked it or not.
Not some kind of bingo card he can suddenly declare he needs to tick off.

the bad dragon range are the extra large sizes

There is only one way to test out that theory…. And if he likes it, then fine he can work out how to do it for himself😮🍆

The first sentence is the end of it. No one who loves you would put pressure on you to do a sex act that you do not want to do. This is not normal, it's abusive.
I had an ex who was obsessed with anal and he pulled loads of the same lines on me 'if you really loved me..' 'if we do it properly you'll like it' 'other women love it'
Well I did it with him many times. Every single time it was awful. It hurt me and I cried. He would still insist on trying again.
I look back at myself with such pity. And I look back at him like he's a rapist.
I have a happy,mutually enjoyable and adventurous sex life with my husband now. He would never in a million years try and emotionally manipulate me into doing something that hurt me or repulsed me.
There's absolutely no need.
Some people enjoy anal and some people don't. Absolutely no one should be expected to do anal when they do not want to.

This is HIS issue. Not yours.
Someone who gets anxious when they don't have sex more than twice a week needs actual mental health help.
I have a high sex drive I'd happily have sex every day.. more when I was younger. But if I was with someone who had a slightly lower sex drive and only wanted sex once a week.. well I'd come to a compromise because why does my sex drive matter more than theirs?! And why would I find it sexy to be forcing someone else to have sex on my schedule??
Obviously if they had a really low sex drive that might become an issue.. I'd have to consider if we were compatible.
Utterly it sounds like OP really makes an effort to meet on middle ground but this guy is just pushing and pushing to have things his way.
He sounds like a nightmare to live with.

@EveSix For clarity, when I say anal ‘doesn’t do anything for me’ I mean it doesn’t directly make me orgasm as an act in its own right, unlike other sexual activities which can/do. I don’t mean it’s something I’m doing reluctantly/against my will. I know how much my DH enjoys it. Him being turned on and satisfied is important to me, so I see no issue with giving him something he loves if I’m able and happily willing to.

Also, if the anal penetration happens after some vaginal penetration, that natural lubricant helps, especially as, at that stage, I’m nice and relaxed which certainly helps to keep it more comfortable.

Anal is more dangerous for a woman than it is for a man https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/aug/11/rise-in-popularity-of-anal-sex-has-led-to-health-problems-for-women
Not something I'll ever do. I think it's so selfish of any man to want to do it.

Your husband is going to ‘pay’ you with the currency of staying married so he can buy anal sex?? OP did he really do therapy/counselling with you?

Sorry OP, this sounds horrendous. 😞

Oh yuck. If my husband suggested this degrading act, I’d throw him out.

The simple answer is really the right answer to this. If you don't want to, you don't do it and the 'hill to die on' comment is incredibly coersive and so far past a boundary any safe relationship should have.

You are not a sex worker. Sex in committed relationships is not like what you see in pornography. There's ample evidence that for men especially pornography changes what they view as 'normal'.

@Saturday3 I really really think you need to take a step back and look at this. You are trying to make him happy by doing things you don't really want to do, whether that be more sex or type of sex. That's not okay. I always ask myself if this is the type of relationship I'd want for someone I love. If the answer is no, it's a reminder I too am worthy of the relationships I'd want for my daughters, friends, family members etc.

There are many red flags in what you've posted. Please view yourself as worth more than being someone's object who is threatened with being left if they don't perform sexually...

Yes, the prostate. Men often like being tickled up there. It's different for women, there is no natural arousal in that area, we are not designed for anal sex. There fact that some women do, and appear to like it, doesn't alter that fact. It's degrading and can be dangerous, takes a lot of preparation and lubrication. No thanks.

I would not want to stay with a man like that, op, I'd let him go. You are young enough to rebuild your life for yourself and your child without him. It's not as if you haven't tried to make things work.

I'd rather be on my own than be with someone who puts this mind of pressure on me.
This is all about his needs, whatever they may be, and nothing to do with you.

The posts suggesting that OP should receive anal if the husband also agrees to receive anal are juvenile, silly, and naive. There are many straight men who have no issue with receiving anal. If she suggested this to her husband, the likelihood of him agreeing to it is higher than you think.

It is a hill he's willing to die on.

Tell him fine then, you'll start divorce proceedings and when his parents, your friends, the court ask why you'll say it's because he wanted bum sex and was willing to walk away from the marriage to get it.
What a creepy little sex pest he is. Each to their own with sexual preferences, but when one party says no then that's the end of the discussion. Nothing wrong with asking, everything wrong with throwing your toys out of the pram when you don't get the answer you wanted.

That was a bit homophobic! How do you think gay men have intercourse?

That’s the correct word for this situation, it is absolutely degrading. I feel like it’s a fantasy men have in order to put women into a submissive role and they usually are pressured into it.

My best friend swore for years she liked having anal sex with her husband, she used to try to convince me that she loved it and got pleasure from it. After finding out her husband was cheating on her and after they divorced she admitted that she hatred it and was trying to convince herself by telling me how much she loved it and she saw it as being adventurous.

My friend agreed to it under pressure and said her husband became obsessed and soon that was the only way he wanted to have sex, she said she once bit through her lip till it was bleeding to stop herself shouting out in pain.
She now has incontinence issues and is very embarrassed about it. She also said those issues started after the first few times they tried it, this more be a TMI issue but I think it needs highlighting, during anal sex she would often leak poo.

My DP was very inexperienced when we met and mentioned wanting to try anal sex, when I asked him why he admitted it was the “taboo” aspect. I told him I didn’t want to and said it wasn’t how its portrayed in porn and that it’s painful and messy and undignified. As soon as I mentioned that it was painful he said he didn’t want to do something that I wouldn’t enjoy. In my eyes that’s the correct response!

I think each to their own and if you consent because you genuinely want to do it then that’s all good. I find most women are coaxed into it against their will and for something that requires trust that’s all wrong.

I don’t know anyone that’s tried it that actually enjoys it for themselves, they might tolerate it or enjoy giving their husband/partner pleasure but I f yet to find anyone that says they do it because they love it and who means it.

I don’t understand how this is such a big turn on for men, it’s not exactly a sensual part of the body your literal bum hole! I honestly believe that it’s part of degrading women whether men are aware of it or not. As soon as I saw @PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey had wrote that word that I realised it summed it up completely in this situation.

Anal rape is used in prison not for sexual reasons but to control and degrade men. I’m aware that this is a different issue but I still think the act itself unless it’s in a happy relationship with mutual consent can have deeper meanings. Why would anyone want their partner to do something that is so undignified without an agenda?

The fact he refuses to accept your “no” is rather disturbing.

You are a human not a sex doll. He seems to not realise that relenting is not consenting. If he wants anal so much he should just let you peg him and be done with it.

(and I am not anti anal sex - I have done it many times. I am anti sexual coercion.)

Citation?

Honestly talking to and reading posts made by married women so often has the result of making me being fine being long-term single with no desire to try to change that.

This is really rather silly. Being gay is more than anal sex and having anal sex with a woman is nothing like being sexually intimate with a man.

The experience is completely different for men though isn't it? Dont they have a gland which makes it pleasurable which we don't? So if anything pegging him will only reinforce his opinion that I should try it.

Yep.

Say yes, then appear with a dildo strapped on, raring to go. After all, he has the prostate and would find anal sex pleasurable (once he got past the pain/discomfort)! Then repeat all his own arguments. But on a serious note, no one should be coerced into having any type of sex.

What kind of selfish jerk pressures his wife this way? If my husband told me he'd leave me if I didn't do what he wanted, sexually, I think I'd be showing him the door. That's not a loving relationship!

Some people may enjoy it, but that's no reason why anyone should try it if they don't want to. It doesn't seem to be what that part of the body was designed for, and it sounds horrific to me, so I'd rather be alone than with a man who tried to insist on it. There's more to life than a man, especially one who has tantrums over sex. He sound awfully immature for his age!