Husband wants anal sex

[Saturday3]

My husband is saying he wants anal sex, but I don't want to. He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life and that I should at least "do the research" before I say no so definitely, that a quarter of people do it regularly and that it is a hill he's willing to die on.

The context is we've had marriage difficulties and joint therapy, with one of the main issues being our differing sex drives - he wants more frequent and more adventurous sex, and it's changed since the birth of our child 4 years ago now. I've tried numerous things to increase my drive to meet him in the middle more, like starting HRT (I'm 45), doing Couch to 5k and upping my exercise, and making an effort to schedule nights in the bedroom etc. But it's very "stop start" - every time we make some progress for a few days I feel like we take two steps backwards again. I had horrible pain during sex after I'd had my child and I think it really spooked me and things never went back to how they used to be (on top of parenting, and all the other factors meaning I'm always tired by 10pm which I never used to be).

If he doesn't have sex for a few days he gets very anxious. In general it really affects his happiness, whilst I need more of the intellectual connection. He is younger than me too.

Our lives have changed so much since Covid and becoming parents so there's a lot more contextual factors I could talk about.

But just on the anal sex thing, what are people's views and experiences on this?

Oh I was fooled for a bit. 😆

I agree, fistulas are very common.

😄
They are so predictable. It's like it's their life's work to convince women on the internet to acquiesce to male demands.

Why don't you go sit on a dildo instead of trolling women's sites.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

End of.

😆

What scares me is the amount of women who were saying that she should just try it for his sake😳 I mean fucking hell, she'd put in her first line that she didn't want to do it. I'm seriously starting to despair at the rife misogyny everywhere 😞

Oh dear. Women having bodily autonomy makes you very, very angry doesn't it.

You may find therapy to be highly beneficial.

IKR. It's one thing to decide to be a handmaiden to male supremacy yourself, but trying to convince other women to do that is unforgivable in my book.
They should have to hand in their woman cards for that.

No. That's it. He can die on it if he wants to. You do not have to do your research. He wants what he wants. His boundaries are not yours. It's not because you "can" play on him that he "can" play on you.I could not respect someone who would insist so have access to my body, any part of my body, after I have said no. A blatant no. The relationship would die just like that. Right then and there.

Lol what?

Of course we have great sex lives!

Sadly not. My bil works for a company which collects waste and bins from public toilets.
On quite a few occasions he’s found stool spoiled tampons in the men’s toilets.
Make of that what you will.

This. Tell him he can go first and let you know how great it is.

Never mind what he wants OP, if you don’t fancy it then he can piss off!

The relationship isn't going to last anyway. Do you want to do something that you're not comfortable with before you eventually divorce or, do you want to hold on to your dignity and walk out with your head held high?

What you've written is so concerning @Saturday3

"He has never tried it and thinks he shouldn't have to rule it out for the rest of his life"

Then he should have discussed this with you prior to taking your marriage vows.

"I should at least "do the research" before I say no"

By "research", it sounds like he's only talking about the amount of people apparently having anal sex. I'm not sure what that's got to do with you, and why that should be something you should consider? It doesn't sound like he is referring to research on the health risks to females, not that he gives a shit I'm sure.

"it is a hill he's willing to die on"

This would be the final nail in the coffin for me here. If I had a porn-watching husband who was pressuring into more frequent sex than I'm comfortable with AND then putting even more pressure on me for anal sex that he knows I do not want, THEN saying that. Well, you can fuck off and go die on that hill. Don't forget to take rope for a noose with you on your way out.

Your husband sounds horrible, he's a sex pest.

The thing is, even if you gave in, what would be his next demand? His next hill to die on? It won't stop there. Then if you did, and didn't like it, but he did, he'd be pressuring you to continue. I'm sorry, but you don't want to, that should be the end of the matter.

If I were you, I'd be seriously reconsidering this marriage.

I had done anal a few times with ex boyfriends. Hated it. Mostly it hurt. The one time it didn't I was really, really drunk, he took a very slow time and he was the boyfriend w/ a small penis. Every time, poop came out mixed with semen. It's an utterly gross sex act. Even if done with care, it takes away the spontaneity and utter abandon that joyful sex should have. Anal is 'work'. No thank you.

My DH pestered and pestered me for years to do anal because he believed it was something he needed (likely porn or his friends told him so). Finally, I told him my truth with anal (see above). He's NEVER asked again. I'd like to think it was because I said it hurt but I'm sure the poopy semen plus the information that he had a much bigger penis than my ex magically fixed his 'need'.

If a mix of empathy, gross details and flattery don't work on your DH, then tell him "NO. That's my final offer." If he won't listen to that, he's not worth it.

OP, so, he is unhappy because you want sex less than he does, and his solution is to try and coerce you in a sexual activity that you have no desire for.
He's making threats and dictating the conditions under which you are allowed to refuse him.
WTF??
I mean wouldn't it make more sense for him to woo you rather than punish you?
He's prepared to end his marriage over this? He's bluffing, surely?
If someone said that to me I'd have his balls for earrings.

I feel for you OP what an awful situation to be in, your husband sounds extremely selfish and immature.
If you were up for it and happy to try it great, but if you are not then your husband should respect your point of view and not pursue it further.
I think for some men anal sex fulfills a gay fantasy (not all).
I guess if his desire for anal sex is that strong then you have to decide whether or not you are prepared to compromise (I myself and a lot of women wouldn't be).
I remember a few years ago HG getting caught having a BJ by a black woman in a car. He had Liz Hurley at home but that was obviously his fantasy and Liz Hurley was never going to be able to fulfill it.

I would also be very careful as anal cancer can be linked to anal sex and for that reason alone it would be a no from me (if anyone wants to challenge this please see the NHS website).

What is deviant is OP being pressured into something and using the threat of divorce to get her to participate in something she doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t matter what the sexual act is, it’s the coercion that is disgusting.

OP, I would leave this relationship. There is no way I could be with someone who was willing to coerce wrt sex.

Well this your answer. Some women like it /want to try it. Others don’t. There is no shame in not wanting to do it.
If you do the research and decide you just dont want to do it will he stop pestering you?

Haven’t read the full thread but it’s all about consent. If you are happy to try, do it, but only if you want to not just to please him. He can’t use threats of divorce or moan and whinge until you give in he has to respect your boundaries and your body.

If you decide to try, he also needs to do the leg work around the prep, so making sure he has the right lube, takes it slow etc he can’t just ram it in there first time. You might want to look at an enema type thing before hand as well or at least think about how you’ll deal with any potential mess so to speak.

Anal or not he’s not going to stop there OP. You’re goi g to have to face the fact you’re completely incompatible as a couple. Let someone else put up with his demands honestly, you’ll be relieved within a week of him leaving. All that constant stress and worry and having to pander to him… gone!