Will I regret having children?

[Stripeygreen]

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, I’m 33 now and about to start TTC. Don’t know how long it will take or if there will be any issues. I’ve always been more relaxed than DP about the changes it will make to our lives but since it’s become an imminent reality I’m getting cold feet!

I suddenly feel terrified about losing my independence, not being able to do what I like with my weekends, not being able to pursue hobbies as I do now, I love travelling and I know that will be really limited with children.

Can anyone reassure me that despite all this it’s the best thing they’ve ever done? I only ever see the negatives on here (of course) as no-one really starts threads on how great and fulfilling they are finding motherhood! Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

Is there anything I can do to help me come to terms with the changes? DP is a fair and equal partner and I know will be a great father. I’m prone to anxiety and depression so I do worry about this too. I would like to think I’ll be relaxed and take things as they come but I tend to overthinking and want everything perfect!

Thanks!

You'll have women saying it's the best thing that ever happened to them and others saying the worse thing.

If you love sleeping
love being adventures
love having quiet time
love popping out to the pub

it'll be a shock to the system

It won't be "perfect " motherhood never is.

If you really like doing whatever you want whenever you want, going anywhere at any time, and lie-ins, then yes you will regret it.

Thanks! Yes expecting both sides of the spectrum!

I don’t need too much sleep, I tend to be a night owl but still I get to dictate my sleeping hours at the moment (aside from work).

I don’t drink much and don’t spend much time in the pub. I like being in nature and exploring new places which conceivably could do with children, if at a different pace!

Some people love it and describe it as the best thing they’ve ever done.
Some people struggle and don’t enjoy it as much as they thought.
IMO it depends on your personality v the personality of the child which you’re not going to know unless you take the plunge.

it is possible to travel with children, if you lower your expectations. I also managed to keep some hobbies by taking it in turn to have hobby time on the weekends with DH. We each took it in turns to have Sat morning off.
I have also managed to have adventures.

Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

It is down to the individual and how much your partner pulls his weight, imo.

I have late diagnosed autism and ADHD. Because of the former especially, in all honesty if I could go back I wouldn’t have had children. Or possibly would’ve had one, but not DC2. Which was actually DC2 + 3. I’m a committed parent and I work so bloody hard with them but I am not living the life I want to live and I’m really sad about that.

If you are an introvert you may struggle a bit. But no-one really knows until they have had one, sorry! I know thats not helpful!

People come on here to moan, not share the good parts. The ones having good times aren’t on their phones.

Thank you, yes I think I’ll just have to adjust my expectations on an exciting day out or an adventurous holiday! I hope that post-initial baby stage DP and I can take it in turns to have some parts of the weekday evening/weekends off to do hobbies. He doesn’t play golf or football though so won’t be taking up weekends doing that

Once you have a child they have to come first. It’s never ending unless you are able to mentally check out at 18.
You’re only as happy as your saddest child. That is totally true for me.

thanks for your reply. I’d generally say I’m introverted and do need some quiet time after social gatherings but in the last few years I do seem to be more sociable trying out new hobbies and making conversations with people. We’ll be moving to a new area as well so would have to throw myself into making new friends which is a worry. My parents aren’t near but DP’s are, and I think would help out

I think it's hard to get your head around but instead of thinking of it as a "thing" with pros and cons- it's more like a total life change.

Everything changes so you can't really even compare with your pre-child life to say that now it's "worse" so you "regret it".

It's more kind of like your life isn't so much about you any more it's about your child. Whether you had a better time before they were born isn't all that meaningful any more. They are here now and it's all about them.

As they grow more independent your life slowly becomes more about you again.

Nothing more anxiety producing than your child.

Totally worth it though

If you accept that their lives are going to far outweigh yours then it's fine.

You're not going to be thanked you're not going to be praised you won't get down time when you need it all the time

It's heartbreaking and tedious repetitive and brain numbing

But also the greatest love you have ever experienced, the best hugs, the happiness you feel in their achievements. It's a privilege being our children's parents every single day.

They keep you young, you can shock them, a hot chocolate and disney movie is a treat.

They connect you to the future. They listen to your advice (sometimes) they stop you in your tracks with their insights.

But nothing prepares you for it.

It's not instagram, matching beach outfits, disney bedtime

They throw up in your face, everything will be covered in crumbs and/or damp for years. They get ill a lot. They won't go to sleep when tired.

Personally i wouldn't change a single moment
Some days feel like months but now, with teens, them snuggling next to you as they fall asleep seems like a lifetime ago.

No one can tell you if it's right for you
Lower your expectations and expect it to be the hardest work you have ever done
If you have them with the right person you can get through anything.

I really recommend marriage pre children. I did NOT think children would strain my relationship with my DH as much as it has.

it impacted my career more than I thought it would and being a “good mother” takes a lot…I am ON 23 hours a day or more…

i have 2 close together and honestly if I was in cramped quarters and /or had significant money worries I wouldn’t enjoy it a lot and would regret it.

as it is I love the life I have chosen despite the “compromises” and have ZERO regrets.

It’s an unpopular opinion maybe but emotional security via marriage and financial security (having savings and cash to make problems go ahead) makes everything a lot easier.

I don't agree with any of this, so I guess I am doing things differently. They have come first sometimes, especially when young, but at other times I have come first. Or DH has.
One of the things I see often on MN is that women desperately crave time for their own hobbies, but won;t countenance leaving their DH in charge and going out on a Saturday morning. All time has to be family time and spent together. I wasn;t keen on that and always worked towards maintaining my own interests and hobbies.

Yes, in some moments you may regret it. Or maybe regret is too strong, "reflect on whether you made the right choice" is maybe better! But there will be many many more moments of wonder, or maybe "how the fuck did I produce something so awesome!?" is better 😄 It sounds like you are well set up to be a great parent, you have a good partner and you are insightful enough to be wondering in advance. If you spend much time on MN you'll know that itself is not a given! Good luck x

I couldn't agree more. Particularly if there is even the smallest chance that you will go part time at work once the baby is born, or even just your career slows down while you can't put in long hours/overtime as required.
If you separate after the baby is born, or any time during its childhood, you will be in a better position financially if you are married, or if anything should happen to DP.

I enjoyed motherhood but it wasn't easy, in fact it was bloody hard graft.

One very busy child, one more placid. The busy child slept the placid one didn't, sleep deprivation was absolutely horrendous with my dc it lasted into junior school years I kid you not. The endless laundry even when they weren't ill, the driving here there and everywhere (plus their friends), paying for expensive hobbies that you know they'll give up, I still have a full cricket gear setup for ds and dd nearly got us to buy her a sailing boat to learn in until I came to my senses.

My dh had a demanding job (long hours/travelling internationally) and I was a sahm so expected to do it all and did. Things evened out when they became teenagers, dh was far better at negotiating with them.

On the plus side, I now have two adult dcs who are a pleasure to spend time with, we are all very close and I love them to their bones and am incredibly proud of them both.

Was it hard, yes.
Do I regret it, not one bit. Dh says we'd have a swanky penthouse in London if we hadn't had kids 🤣

It's very different for everyone and affected by your personality and what kind of child you have. I'm very introverted and find the lack of alone time to decompress challenging, however this is getting easier as they get older and more able to entertain themselves.

I have actually found making friends easier since having them though, as if you go to baby and toddler groups you automatically have something in common with everyone else there. Not always going to turn in to lasting friendships but you might get lucky and click with someone.

If you like getting out in nature you will definitely enjoy that side of parenting. It's cute watching them get fascinated by sticks/stones/sheep etc.

Thank you! This is a nice balanced view! I don’t care about the instagram stuff, I’m not really on social media and I don’t think I care what other people think too much, I just need not to be too harsh on myself as know I’ll make lots of mistakes!

I do all those things. I go out with friends, have hobbies as does DH who is brilliant.
What I mean is if DD is having friend issues and crying at bedtime to you about it that is the most important thing in your world to sort.
Making the sure the kids are ok mentally and physically always has to be number one priority.

All of those reasons (plus the financial burden and the fact I wasn't at all maternal) are why I decided not to. Never regretted it.

I did, so I only had one.

If I could do it again I wouldn’t have her.

It never ends and it’s soul suckingly boring and monotonous. Urgh.

To my surprise, I found it quite easy to put my own needs to one side as my love for my DD just took over everything as soon as she was born! So everything felt easier than expected.

BUT I didn't stop travelling (she's been abroad several times) and I have a fairly easy baby, so it is very very personal. No one can tell you really so you just have to go with your gut.