Will I regret having children?

[Stripeygreen]

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, I’m 33 now and about to start TTC. Don’t know how long it will take or if there will be any issues. I’ve always been more relaxed than DP about the changes it will make to our lives but since it’s become an imminent reality I’m getting cold feet!

I suddenly feel terrified about losing my independence, not being able to do what I like with my weekends, not being able to pursue hobbies as I do now, I love travelling and I know that will be really limited with children.

Can anyone reassure me that despite all this it’s the best thing they’ve ever done? I only ever see the negatives on here (of course) as no-one really starts threads on how great and fulfilling they are finding motherhood! Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

Is there anything I can do to help me come to terms with the changes? DP is a fair and equal partner and I know will be a great father. I’m prone to anxiety and depression so I do worry about this too. I would like to think I’ll be relaxed and take things as they come but I tend to overthinking and want everything perfect!

Thanks!

PS: It really is the best thing I have ever done. My DD lights up my life.

My DC are grown now. They have their issues, but I also have some marvellous times with them. I had a lovely day with DD yesterday doing something we both enjoy. I haven't posted on MN about it, or any social media.

Social media tends to extremes: either Dc are the best thing you ever did, or the worst. I find the reality somewhere in between.

I agree, OP, you should consider getting married first. And also move first, and build a network of friends before getting pregnant.

I'm an introvert and I love it, I think maybe more than a lot of extroverts I know because I don't feel like I'm missing out on a massive social life! I have always loved being around children though, maybe that's the best indication of whether you will enjoy it. I just have one daughter who is not quite two but I already feel like I'm living the best bit of my life, and I know a lot of older parents look back on having young children in that way. Obviously there are difficult bits (eg dd does not sleep well, never has), but there is nothing like watching your little person grow and develop their personality! Maybe I will feel differently when she is a teenager though...

Your child is the future and carries your family forward. When you get older and your child/ren is/are grown up then you might have grandchildren. It’s a privilege being a parent as well as hard work.

Thanks @TemuSpecialBuy and @DelphiniumBlue for your insights, really helpful. We probably will marry at some point. I’ve actually got more financial assets than DP which won’t change so I do have that security. Of course don’t know how things will change down the line if I do go part time etc.

It will be blooming hard work but no you won't regret it.

Think about how you'd cope if your child was disabled , mentally or physically . Not everyone has healthy children .

There is really no way to know if you will regret it. Depends on your child, your DH, your finances, your career.... so many considerations.

This is something I have considered too, definitely. It would definitely test us, as it would everyone I assume.

It really is a huge change, and it is really hard, but, in my experience its like they have never not been here. Do I miss lie ins and doing whatever I want, hell yes! But do I enjoy my kids and do they bring me so much happiness- yes!

However my DH and I are very 50/50 with looking after the kids,housework etc so I know its easier for me than those with partners who are less involved, I also have very supportive parents and in laws who look forward to and enjoy taking the kids for the night or the weekend if we ask, so again that makes a huge difference.
You will not enjoy it 100% of the time and you will miss elements of life before them but (for me) it really is the greatest love I’ve ever known.

You could have one and stop there. It's having several that can cause the strain.

Yes it will be a shock to the system and some phases might be v difficult whether that's newborn or teen. It's amazing though.

Thanks - yes the 50/50 split is very important to me and I’m as confident as I can be that it will be equal wherever possible

Are there any discussions you wish you’d had with your partner pre-children? Things you’d agreed or spent more time thinking about?

One thing, if you do have a child, from the first night set the expectation that babycare is shared. It will set the tone.

Tbh we have a 12 year age gap between ours so we kind of knew what was coming, but to me its important that you are on the same page with what you expect from each other. If i have done the night shift I do expect him to get up in the morning or if I have made dinner then yes he has to do the washing up. It works for us as neither is resentful that one of us has ‘done more’. - unless one of us is ill or away.

Also if you can it’s really important to try and find time for yourself and time to be together, even if its something small right now I’m in the bath and he is doing bedtime or sometimes we give the kids dinner and we have dinner when they are in bed so we can just talk the both of us.

It works for us! ( but still sometimes the kids are annoying and so is DH and i wish I was alone on a greek Island 😂)

In all honesty the main thing that's changed is I feel like part of a family again.

When I was a kid I couldn't just do whatever I wanted, we had to all go along as a family. Now it's the same again - that's the only downside - but now me and DH decide what we all do.

It's genuinely the best thing. We spend every evening playing and giggling with DD. I was told so many horror stories about being pregnant... No one told me how much fun it is :)

There's a book I'd recommend called "the book you wish your parents read and your kids will be tha kful you did" or something similar, it has a v bright colour. I'd highly recommend it whilst TTC then a few years after having children, i found it thought provoking in terms of reflecting kn my own childhood and how I will bring up my own chuldren, it also brought up helpful chats with my husband about common values and what equally sharing the burden and joy of parenting would look like in reality.

I'd also recommend getting married if you career will take a hit, for security, before children. As others have said, if you do it with the right person it's good, otherwise soul destroying.

Thank you, that all sounds very reasonable! I hope DP and I remain kind and considerate of each other without point scoring or competitive tiredness etc. I’ve read enough threads on here to know how it goes! To be brutally honest it’s more likely to be me acting unreasonably though I think I am a lot better now at taking a breath and reassessing than I was in younger years!

We thought we couldn't, DD was a (big) surprise so I can totally relate to those fears. And we had accepted we'd be child free so then the thought of having one was terrifying.

Yes, it's exhausting. Yes it leaves you no time for your hobbies. Travelling is possible but it changes. You lose a bit of independence (it does start to come back after the first few years as they get more independent too).

But it's also amazing. She's amazing. I wouldn't want to be anywhere other than somewhere watching her discover something new or enjoying whatever activity is flavour of the month. And that's not something I ever thought I'd say.

It is hard work. But it is totally worth it.

Make sure you're fully in it together though. Make sure you are protected if you end up being the one at home (full time, part time, whatever). The negative stuff, in my experience, is usually spouted by the posters who have to do everything while their partner does nothing.

You’ll both be unreasonable sometimes! Me and DH had a rough patch when baby was about 1 because they were just not sleeping we were so tired and we took it out on eachother but it passes and I wish he was that little again, just have good communication. When i was pregnant I was absolutely fuming my DH got me 2 bag of crisps because I just wanted 1, he got over it and I have returned to normal luckily!

Would you feel happy not having a child? I felt empty and purposeless without and had a desire to have children.

I love my son and my family I have created. Yes it is hard sometimes but I felt having no children was also hard in different ways.

Also as someone else said it's not a really a 'thing' but a lifelong commitment and I love having a purpose in my life and living for something more than me. I also can't wait for our family to grow and hopefully have family around me I have created in old age.

Thank you, that’s such a nice description so glad things have gone so well for you! I’ll definitely make sure I’m protected. MN has definitely taught me you can’t 100% predict how people will act down the line so I’ll never take it as given! We are both practical that way though, luckily

Honestly my DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I love him more than I ever thought possible. I actually love the days out with him which I think makes it easier, so I really do base a lot of my spare time around him and I know it won't last forever.

Saying this I did not enjoy the newborn phase one bit some people love it I didn't, but my son was born right at the start of the first lockdown so I don't think this helped.

Do you have family support close by? We don't and have found it hard. I am currently pregnant with number 2 (unplanned) and we are moving back to my family for support.

What I have struggled with most is the sickness bugs, croup, temperatures etc. My son also had food allergies (which he seems to have outgrown now) but I have really struggled with my anxiety and his health. I've really worked to get it in check, but when he gets a high temp I really hate it.

@Lentilweaver

I didn't read this like you did:

OneToThree
Once you have a child they have to come first. It’s never ending unless you are able to mentally check out at 18.
You’re only as happy as your saddest child. That is totally true for me.

I agree with it completely, but I interpreted it in the whole / your children have to come first in the bigger picture.

Eg, if you have a choice, you live where they are going to have the school that's right for them, you ensure they have opportunities that are going to help them thrive, if they are truly passionate about something, you do your absolute best to support them, and , if they are truly unhappy about something you can't fix, then you are too.

I've had (and still have) a fantastic career and lots of independence.

I still believe my children come first in my life.

Yes I really do want a child, I’d be devastated if we couldn’t. I’d really like the sense of purpose I hope it would bring (though not to rely on that!). I’m very family orientated and I do care more about that than nights out and adventure - as long as I could have some fun now and again!

Also to add.. . Once you have a child most often the things you felt were so important to you before no longer are so it's hard to comprehend pre and post motherhood.

E.g you said independence on the weekends was important before after you may not want to do as much independently and be happy to take your DC with you everywhere and have trips with them