Will I regret having children?

[Stripeygreen]

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, I’m 33 now and about to start TTC. Don’t know how long it will take or if there will be any issues. I’ve always been more relaxed than DP about the changes it will make to our lives but since it’s become an imminent reality I’m getting cold feet!

I suddenly feel terrified about losing my independence, not being able to do what I like with my weekends, not being able to pursue hobbies as I do now, I love travelling and I know that will be really limited with children.

Can anyone reassure me that despite all this it’s the best thing they’ve ever done? I only ever see the negatives on here (of course) as no-one really starts threads on how great and fulfilling they are finding motherhood! Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

Is there anything I can do to help me come to terms with the changes? DP is a fair and equal partner and I know will be a great father. I’m prone to anxiety and depression so I do worry about this too. I would like to think I’ll be relaxed and take things as they come but I tend to overthinking and want everything perfect!

Thanks!

I've felt the good and the bad, but I know I would've regretted not having children far more, and wondering 'what if?', I've done that 'what if' - twice now, which actually makes life less anxious, I don't have that fear hanging over me.

Having boisterous children has changed my personality so over time you're not that person you once were. I'm much less introverted, I don't crave travel, I can wake up early.

Sometimes it's overwhelming, you're on a ride you can't get off, but life is so busy with small children, especially if you have more than one, you have less time to dwell.

I always think, well I had a lifetime of lie ins, I've had loads of big adventures, I've had lots of nice restaurant / theatre trips - it's time to do something/be something else for a while.

It's incredibly challenging, perhaps look up the recent thread a woman made about how boring she finds having he child? I can't remember exactly what she said but it does show an honest picture of how draining some people can find it.

Personally, I love it so much and we are about to start trying for our second; though we are having an larger age gap than planned, at least 3 years rather than the 2 we thought we wanted, because it is bloody hard.
My husband would probably be okay with only having one but I really want 2 and he knows that in the long run it will be worth it, just that having 2 young kids is going to be really difficult.

I definitely miss having time for my hobbies but I do really enjoy spending time with my daughter and I know that as she gets older these moments will be gone and I'll have more time to myself again.
I can read books and go hiking when I'm 50, but my daughter will never be 2 years old again so I really try to enjoy every moment I can.

Travelling has not been a problem for us, but we found extended bed sharing and breast feeding really made the long flights and hotel rooms easier. Some friends didn't even travel abroad with their kids until they were over 2 but we've been to 7 different countries with our toddler, mostly long distance. As others have said, lower your expectations, slow the pace and make sure you include things that your kid will enjoy too like finding a park or kids museum.

I am also very prone to depression and anxiety and was really worried about that but I found letting go of worrying about milestones and doing the same as everyone else was with their baby helped so much. I really thought that I would be the person who had a set schedule as that's very 'me' but I was much happier going with the flow and being flexible and it took so much pressure off.
Cultivating your mum friend group helps here too, if you want to be relaxed and flexible your mum friends need to be too otherwise you'll be around people who are constantly comparing or can only meet up for 45 minutes because of the nap schedule. Which might be what works for you, so choose friends who are mumming in a similar way to you!

Your relationship with your husband will suffer, you'll both be overwhelmed, and overtired and you will lash out at each other. Try to remember that those bad times will be temporary if you can find the good moments and enjoy them and give each other as much grace as possible. It sucks but we found the best solution was giving each other space where possible, so letting each other have total free time to relax.

To have any kind of semblance of me time though, we have had to lower our standards around organising, cleaning, tidying, gardening, cooking, self care etc. Which has worked for us but might not for others. We prioritise spending time with our daughter, together and relaxing when we feel overwhelmed. We don't worry that the house isn't as clean as we'd like, that we've got several admin tasks that aren't quite up to date and that our garden is like a jungle. I have no skincare routine anymore because I'd rather get into bed earlier or read a book than worry about 6 steps of skincare. We take shortcuts with our cooking whilst still trying to stay healthy, we just do much simpler meals and lots of repeats. Your time just reduces so dramatically that we had to sit down and realise that we literally couldn't do everything that we wanted to, so something has to give or you'll burn out totally.

A big thing that I also had to accept is that your child will have a personality of their own when born and that means that they might not fit into the plans you had or behave like other kids. Try to find the positives and learn to adapt.
Yes children should fit into your life but they are also their own person who deserves a space for themselves, not just to be forced into the space we have decided to allow for them.

DH and I decided not to have children for a few reasons and have never ever regretted that decision not even for a second.

I am 70 now and most of my friends are a similar age. Most of them have children and grandchildren and some have great grandchildren. The majority of them say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

They say their children still cause them stress and grief as do the grandchildren and great grandchildren. Most of them are divorced and say that was mainly due to having children.

We are very happy after 45 years of marriage and all our childfree friends and family also seem very happy, all on first marriages and all been married at least 25 years

All you know for sure is that your life will change. It will change if you don't have children, too - but probably at a much more gradual pace.

Thank you, this is very insightful

Completely personal perspective - I've got a nearly 1 year old and life has never been better. I don't have an easy breezy lifestyle like I used to, that's for sure but I'd switch that any day to have my little DD. This year has been the best life experience I've ever had (exceeding the year I travelled/ university/ fun years of early twenties) . Of course this is completely personal.

My friend said to me once which stuck. . . Who do you want sat round the dinner table with you in ten years, twenty years and thirty years time? The decision you make now affects your current lifestyle, but also such a big impact on your future life.

It's so easy to describe the hard bits about being a parent (and there are hard bits) but the good stuff is indescribable unless you have lived it. And the good stuff is pretty special.

You'll manage, if you do it. It's different with your own. But it will be a struggle at times as it is for every parent. Of course it won't be 'perfect' so drop that idea. Some will say best thing ever and others will see clearly with hindsight, that they shouldn't have done it.

My take is that I personally think having children is very overrated. You don't have to do it. I'd have been really happy not to, but they're lovely adults now and I'm very proud indeed of them. But, if I had my time again, I wouldn't take that road. It finished my own life to be honest.

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I'm an introvert like you. I definitely do not regret having a child. I think this is helped by a very full and fulfilled life outside of motherhood and a very equal balance of oare ting with my DH. The first 3 years are awful IMO (constant neediness from child, no sleep, just boring as hell, even if you also work). So just lower expectations re hobbies, social life and sleep for a while. Then it just gets better and better, even though it still has tough times. The way I see it, I've been lucky enough to be able to experience pregnancy, child birth and motherhood. Lots of women don't have this, and wish they could. So I don't take it for granted. Having a child opens up a new window of experience, which makes life richer and more meaningful. There is a price you pay for this of course, it makes life more complex, harder in some ways. It puts a big strain on your relationship. So I'm in the 'yes' camp to motherhood. However I'm always honest to others about how shit I found the early years.

You will only know when you have a child. It's one of the greatest adventures you can go on. Hopefully there is a happy ending. You march to their rhythm. Easiest job in the world if you don't care about your child and it's one of the hardest if you do. Every child is different and you should never compare. I only have 1. She is my greatest achievement and it constantly amazes me that she is this person.
Imagine you couldn't have a child. Would that make you feel happy or sad. I cant imagine what people unable to have a child must feel.

Maybe you will, maybe you don’t. Some people get a pet and then abandon them, some people spend their lives adopting and caring for abandoned animals. Some people get a child and regret it, some go on to have few more. Whatever it is, children eventually grow up and move out - sometimes sooner than it takes for some people to file a divorce from an abusive spouse.

After conception, your body and life is irrevocably changed even if you choose not to continue with the pregnancy or the pregnancy fails to mature. It's an emotional burden from the very start. Then the physical burden starts in varying degrees.

After birth, the sheer weight of responsibility for another life is overwhelming as well as the stress of being the perfect mother and raising a emotionally strong, happy and healthy child.

However most of us muddle through just fine and raise decent kids. It helps if you have a partner on board to share the difficulties.

Despite not being particularly maternal, I think I've done OK. My DDs have been fairly easy to raise with plenty of boundaries and love. I'm proud that they are kind, smart and thoughtful.

You asked if you will regret having children?

But have you asked yourself, will you regret not having children?

Whatever your answer is, you can’t live with regrets, just run with it