Will I regret having children?

[Stripeygreen]

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, I’m 33 now and about to start TTC. Don’t know how long it will take or if there will be any issues. I’ve always been more relaxed than DP about the changes it will make to our lives but since it’s become an imminent reality I’m getting cold feet!

I suddenly feel terrified about losing my independence, not being able to do what I like with my weekends, not being able to pursue hobbies as I do now, I love travelling and I know that will be really limited with children.

Can anyone reassure me that despite all this it’s the best thing they’ve ever done? I only ever see the negatives on here (of course) as no-one really starts threads on how great and fulfilling they are finding motherhood! Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

Is there anything I can do to help me come to terms with the changes? DP is a fair and equal partner and I know will be a great father. I’m prone to anxiety and depression so I do worry about this too. I would like to think I’ll be relaxed and take things as they come but I tend to overthinking and want everything perfect!

Thanks!

Having a baby to me was like being hit by a car then presented with an alarmed bowling ball. The alarm would blare any time I wasn’t holding it and then periodically while I was holding it. I could do anything I wanted, as long as I carried the bowling ball around with me and did whatever it needed to stop the alarm. Any time the alarm wasn’t blaring you’d be worried sick and if some else offered to hold the ball your heart would hurt because you missed it and felt the craziest mix of “thank god I’m not holding it /please give it back now”
As kids grow up they become the cheekiest, funniest, best little friends you could ever ask for. I still have the urge to send them to their grandparents for a fortnight just so I can sleep and shower and be selfish for a while but I would miss them within minutes.

I found mothering a baby so much harder than I expected, my first was not an easy baby (my 2nd was sooo easy) so it depends on so so many factors that you just have to expect the worst and hope for the best!

children are basically why I married.
I had more assets by a long way but my DH is younger.

im still ft or will be when I go back buttt my career is def on pause. I also want to be able to dial back significantly for ages 10-14
eg PT, contracting or career break

DHs career is ramping up now while mine is flat and prob will be for about 5 years total from announcing 1st pregnancy.
That’s my choice.., to some extent.

but i have a 22m gap and will have taken 13m mat leave in each pregnancy both of which i have LOVED and are great choices for me.

Before having children I too worried about lack of sleep, having no free time or money. I now have 2 children and they are both amazing. They are so funny and imaginative and the thought that I once may have decided not to have children breaks my heart.

Yes it is at times stressful. I shout at them when they don't behave, the sleep deprivation was awful but most people get through it. As long as you desire a baby, have realistic expectations, a supportive partner and have good finances and are realistic about what a person who can't speak, is totally reliant on you and has to be taught everything needs you'll be more likely to enjoy it.

It is great when your baby first tries to talk or plays a game which imitates your life. They are cute and you can forgive a lot when someone is so small and has so much to learn.

Yes it is a lot of work but having children has also brought me a lot of joy.

Thanks for your perspective. No we won’t have family in the same town. DP family is about 40 min drive away without traffic. My extended family is in London which is a 40 min train train away or a longer drive. I think that either would be happy to babysit but not close enough to drop in for a cup of tea which is a shame. DP parents may be happy to do some childcare but not sure. Unfortunately we couldn’t afford to buy what we wanted in London and my parents are too far to commute from, so it’s the best we could do! We could move in due course if we needed to, I did always think I would live close to my parents when having children but it’s just not feasible.

I had my first when I was 41 so left it to the absolute last minute and did plenty of travelling, adventures, partying, focussed on my career etc beforehand. Having seen so many friends go through motherhood before me I knew my life would change completely, so that part wasn't a shock. We still travel a lot, and do some of our pre-baby activities (as the saying goes, they're just ruined now 😂). The sleep deprivation is real at first but it passes and you get used to surviving on less sleep. The bit I wasn't prepared for was the never-ending anxiety, starting in pregnancy and it just gets worse once baby arrives! I wasn't at all an anxious person before kids (high pressured job which has never phased me) so I think for me the hardest part has been the realisation that you can just never fully relax once you're responsible for this little person. Definitely no regrets, DS is absolutely amazing and it has also been incredible seeing DH become a father, but I do miss my old, carefree life sometimes.

This is lovely.

And so very very true

🥹

I just thought I'd add in here. My parents are 4 hours away. DHs are round the corner.

We definitely see mine more (or at least have more quality time). DHs are only bothered if we go to them, despite being 5 mins away. And we can't leave her with them, so we basically have no proper family support.

That can be hard but it is doable with a decent nursery and both parents fully committed to the family and careers etc.

Yes this is exactly what I mean.

I think 40 mins is closer enough to have some support, even just days out to together/having baby for the day so you and your DP can go out together. My family are 3 hours away so are really too far for any help.

OP I noticed your question. Is there anything you can do to prepare for the change? If you've ever worked in a nursing home or as a carer I would say it is like that but imagine the person being small and cute and living with you day and night.

If you don't have parents nearby to help maybe a good nursery nearby that offers care to young babies would be a way of getting a rest during maternity leave.

I coped OK with one child but when I had two I never rested and on hindsight I should have put them both in nursery one day a week for my sanity 😅

I think this is the best description.

The fact that you can give them "best day everrrrr" with a ham sandwich in the park while they chuck the crusts to the birds is just incredible. You start to see things through new eyes, as if you're a child again too.

It’s awesome, but the first year is rough! I don’t think we’ll have a second child, but if we could start with a 1 year old I’d be more inclined 🙈
Lower your expectations, dig deep and hope you have a partner that steps up too. I miss some aspects of child free life but absolutely don’t regret it. I thought I did at certain points, especially during the first 7 months, but every rough bit has been a phase and my son is a total joy generally.

I didn't. No-one could have been more unsure than me. All my adult life I thought I didn't want children. We had been together 20 years happily child free.
I decided at 36 that I might regret that, naively not even thinking I might regret having them. I knew nothing about children, had never held a baby or interacted with a child. I was pregnant within a month and had DC2 two years later.
Without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. I shudder to think now that I might have missed out on the life enhancing change that children bring. If I'd never had them I would have been perfectly happy and blissfully unaware of what I was missing.
And I still don't like children apart from my own who are now grown up.

You'll have children living with you for at least 18 years. My life now with a 16, 15 and 12 year old is very different to when they were 4, 3 and newborn. Life with children is about change, no stage lasts forever and they get better and better company. We're on holiday and today we watched the synchronised diving, went to a nice restaurant for a relaxed lunch then had a walk in the woods. We're currently now chilling reading books or looking at our phones. 10 years ago the restaurant would just have been hard work and we'd have had to take nappies and snacks on the walk and now we'd be busy with the bedtime routine. Now bedtime consists if me saying 'put your phone in the kitchen and go to bed, it's 10pm'.

I was never particularly social but enjoyed time to myself.

My hobbies were shopping and going to the salon and working unreasonable hours as I invested in my career. I was put together, I was slim.

Having a child has taken away so much. I’ve lost my independence and my career.

It is not possible for me to work because my child is autistic. I have to take him to therapies and appointments and it’s not going to change any time soon.

I’m miserable a lot of the time. It’s isolating. I’m stressed. I’m constantly worried.

You’re 33. If you’re not ready then don’t have children until you’re ready.

Your world will never be the same again. That's for better and for worse! On the other hand if your partner is a good parent than one child is certainly manageable and you can still get a night out or weekend away. But remember every age has its challenges and your always on duty! Best of luck 🤞🏻

@frozendaisy you have bought a tear to my eye.. how well written, lovely, and true ❤️ thank you x

Yes. Much less money, messed up body, it does effect your relationship, they turn into teenagers and I have no idea if mine will ever leave due to high rent prices etc.

I love my kids but I wouldn’t have any if I could do it again.

I have two children who are 3 and 5. They really are amazing. It is so hard, and tiring but there is so much love in our house. We love travelling, and it hasn't stopped us from going on holiday as much! Since having children we have gone to Majorca, Thailand, America, Malaysia, Sri Lanka and are planning to go to Singapore in October.
I wouldn't change our decision to have children for the world.
I am also 33 and think we might start trying for a third soon:)

Best and hardest thing I've ever done. Currently pregnant with number 3 at age 37

Unless you are 100% committed and excited, don't do it. They change your life forever, and always come with unexpected problems.

It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done and I wouldn't change my child for the world.

If I went back in time however, and had never met them, I can't say I would still have a child.

I have a son 21 months, second due next month.

Me and my husband haven't stopped going out, we have no one to look after DS (no family nearby) so he's always just came with us!

He behaves well as it's what he's used to and always done

Of course our life has changed but I don't feel like I miss out on much at all. I love being our own family.

Totally personal perspective -
People travel, see the world etc. to feel alive and have the best experiences. Personally, the experience of being a mother for the first time gave me more life satisfaction than the years I spent travelling and 'being free'. It is hard of course, but you only get one shot of life and having my little one is the best part of it, sleepless nights or not. This is just my completely personal experience.

I haven't loved every minute, and I have regretted it at times. It's hard work and I'm poor and knackered. But I can't imagine not having brought these people into the world.

Just to add... I lived and travelled south east Asia in my early 20s for three years, and now live in southeast Asia with my two children. If I had to say which I enjoy more, it would be when I have travelled with my little family!