Will I regret having children?

[Stripeygreen]

Hello

I’ve always wanted to be a parent, I’m 33 now and about to start TTC. Don’t know how long it will take or if there will be any issues. I’ve always been more relaxed than DP about the changes it will make to our lives but since it’s become an imminent reality I’m getting cold feet!

I suddenly feel terrified about losing my independence, not being able to do what I like with my weekends, not being able to pursue hobbies as I do now, I love travelling and I know that will be really limited with children.

Can anyone reassure me that despite all this it’s the best thing they’ve ever done? I only ever see the negatives on here (of course) as no-one really starts threads on how great and fulfilling they are finding motherhood! Do the positives outweigh the stress and tiredness?

Is there anything I can do to help me come to terms with the changes? DP is a fair and equal partner and I know will be a great father. I’m prone to anxiety and depression so I do worry about this too. I would like to think I’ll be relaxed and take things as they come but I tend to overthinking and want everything perfect!

Thanks!

It’s a shock to the system I’ll tell you that. I had my children young (early and mid twenties) and I don’t regret them. They are my biggest blessing in life. I don’t regret them.

@Happytimes123456 that's so lovely! I'd love to travel with my little one some day

Well - the Tegretful Parents subreddit has nearly 500k users. Need I say more.

regretful parents, even 🙄

Yes, you will regret it sometimes. But you would also regret not having them sometimes.

Children aren’t a key to happiness, but nor are they a barrier to it. Life is what you make it, either way.

You mention in your op about anxiety and depression, I've never had depression but did have anxiety before I had children, in my experience I think having children helped my anxiety as there were things I just had to do.
An example would be if pre children if I was feeling anxious I could choose just to stay in the house whereas when I had my DC's I had to take them to school, clubs, birthday parties etc so I just had to get on with it if that makes sense.
I'm certainly not saying this would be everyone's experience and yes my DC's have caused anxiety for me in different ways but I'm sure if I hadn't had them it may well have controlled my life far more than it actually does now

We didn't travel much when the kids were small (our parents live in tourist destinations in the UK so we'd visit them and do a bit of touristing at the same time which was more chilled than travelling abroad with 3 little ones) but since they were all school age we've taken them around the UK and Europe. Taking kids travelling (when they are old enough to understand what we're doing) is more fun than travelling as a young adult, we take a bit more time to do things and have done things with the kids we'd never have done without them.

It didn't really bother me having less time for myself (child is your hobby) and the early years go really quickly and then you can go back to things.

Children can join in with families lifestyles so only cramp your style if you let them. Babies do sleep quite a lot so introvert parents can get time to themselves

Having a baby or young child is the best time to move to a new area as there are groups to join and new parents are more open to making new connections

Well usually and for me..you won't regret per say..

More conflicted. You love them so much and would never not want them..
But on the days of constant tantrums, sleep deprivation, feeling like you haven't seen another adult properly in weeks.. you will sort of regret, then feel guilty for the thought, then profess your undying love for them..rinse repeat 😂

Honestly, I have had many times of profound regret over the years!

My struggles started right from the beginning as I had birth injuries that took about a year to recover from. Plus no family help and a husband who worked away a lot and PND. A very fussy baby who screamed an awful lot and didn't much like sleep. How I didn't have a full blown breakdown I don't know.

Anyway despite all of this I tried so hard to be a good mum. I think I did a really good job under the circumstances but it took every ounce of mental strength and it left me a shell of my former self for a long time.

10 years on and life is pretty great now but it has been a long hard slog for me to get to this point.

Anyway, I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't have a child but just go into it with your eyes open.

Nobody said a word to me about the challenges (and I know now that they had them) and I wish they had because I went into it very naive and underprepared!

Oh and I stopped at one child for obvious reasons which was the best thing I could have done!

If I could go back in time, I would most definitely do it again rather than stay childless. At least - that's how i feel so far! My son is 2.5. We plan for another soon, but want to stop at 2. The baby and toddler years go quick but feel so slow when you're in them😆
I didn't really have any hobbies though, at
least, none that take any time that I can't do now (animals being my main one, which obviously I can still have and look after!). I didn't do a lot of travelling either - a holiday abroad was every few years for me. In fact, now I can't wait to travel more, to go places with our boy! Everything I am looking forward to is more exciting to me now, because my son is in the world and we'll be doing them with him.
This is really going to differ from person to person though!

You won't regret having children. But you may regret not having them.

It depends on so many factors, it's impossible to say. People can only give their own perspective, obviously, which will not be the same as yours.

I worried about all the things that you are worried about, but in reality, I was so obsessed with my baby that it just didn't bother me. You may or may not feel like that.

My youngest just turned 18 last week, I am in my late 50s now and I don't regret having my children at all. Possibly because I did quite a lot before I had them. In fact, if I could go back to when they were about 7 and 5, I would.

You can’t say that for sure … I regretted it.

I have a just turned 1 year old who doesn't nap in the car or in her pram. She naps about an hour a day. I really want to go on holiday with her but it's difficult enough taking her on day trips because she won't nap and then gets upset. You will take your child everywhere with you. You won't get to do whatever you want to do at the weekends or do your hobbies. You'll probably really struggle to go abroad.

I really love my daughter though and she's the best thing to have happened to me! I'm in my 20s so I hope to be able to do more with my daughter once she's a little bit older.

Hardest but best thing I've ever done. I had DS 2 years ago aged 39 which was later than I'd have liked but circumstances in early 30s meant having children then wasn't a good plan.

Some of the things you like doing can be adapted to do with a child - for example we've done plenty of lunches out as a family or early dinners (save evening dinners out for when I meet friends and DH stays in), walking, running, trips to see things (which tend to be a bit shorter than we'd have done pre children) like gardens, food festival, meet friend at the pub for a daytime drink.

One of the things I appreciate the most about having 1 child is that we can both maintain regular hobbies without sacrificing work, rest or family time. I get Saturday mornings to do my hobby and ad hoc weekend dinner times to meet friends on my own, DH gets Thursday night and Sunday morning for his. For us this is the right balance of everything in our lives.

I would also add that we love travelling but are putting off long haul holidays with a time difference until DS is old enough to understand and adapt (which at the moment we're assessing is school age onwards). We had some lovely holiday in Europe since he came along but spent longer in the hotels themselves and doing lots of promenade type walks with the pushchair. We've found a different joy doing that and know it won't be forever

I miss lie ins, impromptu drinks, peace and quiet, time to do exercise in the morning, getting home and immediately chilling.

It's a massive shock when you realise you can't even pop out for milk on your own unless another carer is at home.

I'm happier and sadder than I've ever been.

I don't regret it.

I love being a parent. My dd is a teen now and amazing. There are so much factors that will impact on whether parenting is a good experience for you. For me what helped

• dh was on the same page. Was very hands on at home pre dc.
• I had an established career
• no financial worries
• good mental and physical health
• had a relatively easy baby
• had lots of experience of babies prior to having my own
• felt like this was the next step. Had the marriage, house, career, travelling and partying.

-dd fitted into our lives. We travelled from when she was 3 months old. Still holiday/ travel 6 times a year.

• I maintained hobbies and a social life as did dh.

And we had one dc. Couldn't have anymore but I'd go back and have one again. It's underrated. I did a doctorate when dd was a toddler. Couldn't have done this with 2 or more. My career has never suffered.

Things that were difficult

• no immediate family support. But we managed really well with good childcare and working as a team. I worked PT also which helped.
• the worry. Nothing prepares you for the worry you feel about your dc, and it gets worse as they get older and their issues get bigger.

If you both want one then go for it. But weigh up the pros and cons for you.

You need to have a proper discussion with your DP about finances, and this is very important as I assume you're not married. Consider it's more likely you will make financial / career sacrifices, even a few months of statutory maternity leave you'll lose out on pension contributions. How will you manage finances during maternity leave, and once you return to work, especially if you go part time. remember that if you're unmarried and split, there is no legal framework to support the practicalities of the split. I personally wouldn't even consider TTC until we got married. And you can still do hobbies, travelling etc, just needs to be a bit more organised!

I have found one to be a good compromise. You get to experience parenting, but you can still balance it with your own life, hobbies and work easily. We have the time to read, play sports and see friends no problem while still spending quality time with DC. We both work full time. I felt like I had lost myself a bit in the baby and toddler years but from primary school onwards, we have been back to normal. Life looks so much busier with 2 or more - it wouldn't have worked for us at all.

Agree with PP: your partner has to be in it with you and workload should be shared 50-50. I'd advise having a good chat prior to having children and prior to going back to work as you'll have been in a pattern during maternity leave where you would have done so much more.

The thing I miss most is just being able to go the pub for a few drinks because I fancy it.

Lovely sunny day like today… probably would have had a few drinks after work.

I think that's normal I just had my first she is 7 weeks and you do have moments of oh my god it's never going to be just the 2 of us again but I wouldn't change it for the world . It took us 2 years of TTC and she was very much wanted but I think it's completely normal to have bouts of panic . I always knew I wanted children but wasn't ready until
I was 34 mentally or finally, the sheer thought used to send me into a cold sweat not even exaggerating.

The best bits are wonderful and qualitatively different to anything else you could experience. But the hard bits are very very hard indeed. With two teenagers now, they can be wonderful company, great fun, even support at times but man, when things aren't going right for them you hear all about it and feel every bit of it. I had a knot in my stomach most of last year because of things going on with my son, while having to parent my other child with her own dramas, do a full time job, run a house, keep an eye on my elderly parents, try and keep some bit of a life for myself. One observation I do have, my friends who had the easiest time of it are generally themselves quite even tempered, dare I say it even docile people who have raised similar children who are generally fairly compliant and 'easy'. I do think through a combination of nature and nurture, you will see lots of yourselves in your children. I can be 'a lot' and my children definitely can be too, great but infuriating in equal measure.

You need to realise it's a really hard slog for I'm guessing at least 4 or 5 years. You never get a day off. Even writing it down like that doesn't sound as bad as it actually is! I don't think you can know it unless you actually experience it. Yes you will love your child more than anything, but that doesn't actually mean you should do it. Travelling, being rich, independence, sleeping etc etc are all great things not to want to give up. Don't do it unless you really understand how hard it will be and make sure your partner knows this too and equally really, really wants it too.