Care home "rules"

[Yupthatsit]

One of my relatives is beginning to realise she needs to move into a care home. She's in her mid 80s and she's great mentally but looking after her house is too much for her, she's tired now and she needs more care. She has said she's ok with going into a care home but has refused if she can't go for a walk daily and can't get an occasional online shop delivered (she's dreading the food but knows she'll only be able to get salads and snack things delivered - things that don't need cooking).

We've spoken to two care homes so far who have said these things wouldn't be possible. They allow walks with family members/visitors but not alone and she won't get visitors daily to do this. She only wants to go for a very slow walk for about an hour and she's capable of this if she goes slowly with her walker. She does it daily at the moment. They don't allow online shops. There are other homes we haven't spoken to yet but they'd be a bit further away to visit which makes things a bit more complicated.

I've not had anyone in a home before so I don't know if these requests are reasonable/unreasonable? Any thoughts or experiences welcome.

There is usually a middle step which is getting carers at home.

If she's struggling with the house then a cleaner and gardeners are much cheaper than a care home.

You can get carers up to 4 times a day as well to help with meal prep and washing/dressing etc.

My DGM was in a home that had a garden and there was a little walking circuit, that had grab rails the whole way around, would accepting that the walk might be restricted to the garden be okay for her?
Maybe she could ask about deliveries of a couple of items at a time from a local deli or somethings. Perhaps it the big shopping van coming that they object to, it might make the home look as if they aren’t feeding their residents. They would also be responsible for accepting the delivery or having to deal with an irate driver (they only get 2 mins per delivery) who doesn’t want to wait for your relative to be able to get to the foyer.

What you have been told is the norm. It's certainly not normal to have food deliveries, as there is nowhere to store much food in a room, and its unlikely they'd want to store resident bought foods in the main kitchen.

As for the walk, again its unusual to allow a resident to go out alone usually because they're not independent enough.

Perhaps your relative is too "able" for a care home. Is she self funding it or being assessed? Care homes are miserable bloody places. Can you see if there is an Extra Care scheme locally? These are like flatlets with own kitchen etc but with care staff on site.

She would prefer a home as she's also feeling lonely.

A sheltered block with a warden and carers coming in. They often have communal lounges and gardens. You can also get companions to visit to do fun things/chat. Good luck!

She'd sell her home and self fund

She'd prefer a home that has communal rooms as she's lonely

Thanks. We'll look around at local possibilities

It sounds perfectly reasonable to be honest. A care home is totally responsible for their residents' welfare and I can't imagine any allowing an independent walk off the premises for any length of time, let alone an hour.

It does sound like she'd be better off with carers at home if she's mentally alert. From experience a large number of people in care homes have dementia so your relative might not get the type of company they want.

What about sheltered housing?

If you self fund find a place with a nice garden and tbh they can't forbid you do internet shopping.

I think she'd be disappointed if it was just a garden to walk in. She currently walks to town and slowly tootles around the shops. She just stops at each bench for a rest.

I think those extra care schemes have a lounge as well. Care Homes arent the utopia your mum thinks, unless she knows a really nice one. They're usually full of old codgers wasting away screaming at each other, bar the odd exception.

Where in UK are you?

So sad, feels like a prison if you can't even go for a walk to the end of the road or anything.

Care homes aren’t what they were 30 years ago. They used to be great for the isolated elderly. But now many (definitely not all) residents are past the point of meaningful conversation. My grandma was desperate to go into a home, had some respite care in two different ones and then refused. An over 55s development with a warden and social club sounds more like what she needs with carers coming in.

Many care homes these days have residents who are towards the higher ends of the care needs which in practice means she might not find them much company.

It does sound like she is a bit too able for a care home.

A supported housing scheme might be a better option.

If she is capable of walking on her own (even with a walker) there may well be activities close to where she lives.

My church runs a friendship club for lonely older people, and the village hall has a couple of seated exercise classe, again aimed at the elderly and disabled.

She's in a village in Lincolnshire

She needs retirement living accommodation rather than a care home. Then she would be able to go out on her own, get deliveries, organise care according to her needs, and go downstairs to the communal area to chat to other residents.

Honestly OP, she doesn't sound as if she needs a care home yet. The fact is most residents in any these days will have advanced confusion so as a source of the company she seeks it may not be a good fit for her. Good suggestions up thread about downsizing/sheltered housing and getting some help in with practical tasks, also look for any activities (lunch clubs etc) she can go to.

I would look as assisted living rather than a care home. Lots of the residents will have higher needs so won’t be much company.

Assisted living means she gets to have her own space, and can still do all the walking etc but she will have on hand care if needs be and there are usually communal spaces where they have coffee mornings, game nights etc. I think that would suit her a lot more.

Unless you're on a DOLS deprivation of liberty you can come and go as you please but it's not a normal scenario at all. Usually people in care homes are in a bad way nowadays. They tend not to want to leave for a walk but they cant lock you in!! Care homes should know that.

Look up Extra Care schemes. Or try and find an awesome looking usually independent care home in a country manor with lovely grounds and you can walk around there. Most counties should have the odd nice one. Most (HC One, Four Seasons etc are absolute dumps)

Thanks all. She has said she'd prefer a care home. I think she's well aware that her health and mobility may not last much longer and moving more than once would be even tougher. I'll run these thoughts past her. Thank you.

They’re responsible for her, they are not being unreasonable.

If shes got mental capacity she can come and go, it's just unusual.

She's a grown woman who has lived independently since her husband died 15 years ago.

Has she looked at warden control flats, extra care or residential homes, it doesn't sound like she needs a nursing home. Small items of food can be delivered but not the weekly shop and she can look at the menu. The staff won't be available to take her out fir an hours walk anywhere she goes. What level of help does she need that she could get at home with carers coming in.