Care home "rules"

[Yupthatsit]

One of my relatives is beginning to realise she needs to move into a care home. She's in her mid 80s and she's great mentally but looking after her house is too much for her, she's tired now and she needs more care. She has said she's ok with going into a care home but has refused if she can't go for a walk daily and can't get an occasional online shop delivered (she's dreading the food but knows she'll only be able to get salads and snack things delivered - things that don't need cooking).

We've spoken to two care homes so far who have said these things wouldn't be possible. They allow walks with family members/visitors but not alone and she won't get visitors daily to do this. She only wants to go for a very slow walk for about an hour and she's capable of this if she goes slowly with her walker. She does it daily at the moment. They don't allow online shops. There are other homes we haven't spoken to yet but they'd be a bit further away to visit which makes things a bit more complicated.

I've not had anyone in a home before so I don't know if these requests are reasonable/unreasonable? Any thoughts or experiences welcome.

Even a crap care home is £800/week these days. But two grand takes the cake.

The bulk of any care home cost is staffing, especially with the massive spike in national minimum wage rates in recent years. Food accounts for a tiny amount, especially in the big chain homes. Some even only serve ready meals as its cheaper than making it themselves. Look up apetito meals! Activity is usually a part time job, few hours a day, negligible really.

How about an Audley Redwood retirement village? They have restaurants/communal areas, nice big gardens, you can get your food delivered and they will coordinate cleaners and carers if needed.

MIL is in a extra care type place (retirement housing scheme) run by Anchor. They are very good. She has her own little flat and does her own cooking, room for a fridge freezer, but also a communal room. Every day something's going on, little sherry parties, all sorts of fun, and she gets housing benefit to pay for it. She told me she is happier than when FIL was alive! Deliveries allowed and Lidl round the corner!

They say:

We understand that sometimes you like to be alone and at other times you may want to be more sociable. Our properties give you that freedom. At Cherry Tree Court we run social activities including entertainment evenings, bingo and regular day trips.

You will not need to worry about maintenance and repairs or gardening upkeep as we take care of those. We provide a wide range of facilities, including a communal lounge, a guest room, a garden with seating area, an on-site laundry and 15 parking spaces.

Just my opinion, not read all the replies.

I work in a nursing home and I think most of these requests sound reasonable to me.

Our place "lets" residents (it's not prison) online shop if they want. It's actually made the kitchens job easier in some cases where there are really specific dietary requirements for individuals as they like to order it themselves and the kitchen staff store it for them as they would the normal food stuff. It's named or has a room number on, the resident can then either request it from a staff member or go and ask themselves if they're able to mobilise (our kitchen is attached to the dining room).

We have two large patio areas for residents to walk around with benches and flowers and bird feeders. But granted, we don't have the staff to take someone for a walk around the area, same as most places. I wouldn't have thought it was a brilliant idea for most residents in care homes to go on their own for safety reasons, risk of fall and not being able to get help etc. However is she has full capacity, she's an adult and if it's in her care plan that she understands the risk etc then they can't stop her.

We have assisted living flats attached to our home as well, so they can do whatever they want when they want really. Go out and about whenever, but no staff go with them. They're a good option. Residents often organise a little group in the afternoons for a chat or games or films. They're not stopped from coming to the nursing home side either, can join in whenever they want.

My Nan lived in a lovely one bedroomed flat in a block with a warden. They had a communal room and communal kitchen with social activities, a lovely garden and were free to come and go as they pleased, but there was a warden on site 24 hours a day in case of emergencies. They had cleaners come in (if they wanted) and meals on wheels or they cooked for themselves in ther flats, dependent on their wants and needs. It was a great place, very friendly and as much support as was needed. It was the perfect step between her own bungalow and eventually a care home. As others have said, these sort of places are definitely worth a look.

If she has capacity then they can't deny her getting out for a walk. A care home is not a locked ward. They might not like it if her mobility is poor but she can come and go as she pleases. However it would be unlikely thay they would be able to provide a staff member if that is what you are looking for?

Tbh something like sheltered housing sounds more appropriate. Maybe discuss with your social worker

Look at companies like MHA. They have varying levels of care homes and have retirement living accommodation. You can start there then move into more of a care home setting when needed- often in an adjacent building

I’m afraid these days most care homes are a place of last resort when someone can’t manage with carers at home, certainly social services wouldn’t fund if someone can safely go for a walk themselves for example.
I also think in most homes sadly she wouldn’t find people of a similar level of independence that she could converse with.
perhaps some sort of sheltered accommodation with communal rooms would suit.

And also anchor homes. Look for accommodation with extra care

100% agree

They don’t have the right to stop her going out for a walk. It’s a care home not a prison.

Again I will say almost all the chains are ruthless and every little cost is worked out to a T. Look for Outstanding independent homes where there's more of a personal touch and managers have more licence to bend to their residents needs. One near me is run by a church charity and it's like a palace.

Another vote for sheltered housing complex. My DGP moved to one when my gran could no longer cope and when she passed my papa stayed on (he met conditions for stay with his age) as he wanted reassurance that there was someone on hand if needed and also the option to socialise if he wanted too in the communal lounge & garden without the stress of running a house 💖

I've not RTFT but unless she has a DOLS (deprivation of liberty) put into place for her safety, she would be free to leave any time she likes, as PPs have said, it's not prison. I've known residents walk to the local supermarket etc....

Anchor are fabulous. She would be able to have her freedom as well as carers etc. take a look at them.

I'm not in the UK, but am rather stunned by some of these answers. My late DM was in a care home here and some of the residents went out for walks, walked to the shops, one took a taxi to visit someone in hospital one day when I was visiting. I presume they were required to let reception know when they went out, but they certainly did it. I also used to see a man in town quite often who I know was in another care home - and had to walk some distance to get to town and back.

@StMarieforme

Here's our most recent anchor development in Bath

Really really nice - can be bought on shared ownership too

www.anchor.org.uk/our-properties/pemberley-place-bath

It used to be like that over here but with increasing people living longer and dementia, care homes are a last resort. Anyone with an ounce of independence remains in their own home with up to 4 x carer visits per day. If thats still not enough and you cant look after your personal care then care home is the only place to meet that need.

@Babyshadows that looks amazing- when can I move in!!

If she has mental capacity then a care home cannot stop her from leaving unless she is under a deprivation of liberty.
It isn't a prison and she's free to leave when she chooses.

Although it does sound as though assisted living / retirement home would be more suitable where there are care staff on site and communal areas.

In the UK, care homes really are only for people who can't be left alone. Someone with full capacity would have a miserable time in one.

When my mum had the stroke that left her physically helpless, she went into a nursing home. She was the only person there whose mind was intact. She spent her entire time in the conservatory or the garden, on her own.
When her money ran out, despite the level of care she needed, the council put her into an extra care flat with five or six care visits a day. They said that had she had the stroke even a year or two later then she did, she'd never have got a place in a care home. Dementia seems to be the only thing that leads to 24 hour care.

My elderly Australian relatives had/ have an entirely different experience, orders of magnitude better.

Plenty of people in care homes are mentally competent to decide on the level of risk they are happy with. If they aren’t physically able to take themselves off for a walk then there isn’t any need for a rule.

I think they are being unreasonable. If it's residential ofcourse she should have more freedom and leave the premises as and when she likes. They certainly did in my previous experience, nursing home is different though.

Maybe look at sheltered housing or elderly complexes, the more modern ones have shops/gyms but very expensive.

This. My Nan was recently in a good care home. The staff were lovely, they put on entertainment for the residents.. But it was honestly so depressing. I can't describe it to you. I didn't expect it but I came out after my visit and said to my DH don't ever put me in a care home, I'd rather be dead. Most of the residents were not really capable of much communication or providing much company. They had very high care needs. Some couldn't even get out of bed and were asleep all the time. My Nan was violent at times, I suspect others were too. It felt like they were just keeping people alive for sake of it tbh.. Quality of life was minimal. Honestly. I would look at other options as if your relative is going on long walks this isn't the place for her. Before choosing this care home, my mum looked at quite a few others and they were worse in various ways. It also cost an absolute fortune. A couple of thousand a week I believe.

I have no advice (apologies) but I'm gobsmacked that a care home won't allow a resident to go for a walk! They're in a home they pay extortionate amount for not a prison.

No wonder the elderly go downhill so fast in these places; all your independence just taken from you.

I understand the no online shop rule because there's not going to be anywhere to store the stuff she buys.